I was talking to someone a while ago about a friend who seemed depressed at that time. This friend whom had hit a low, was usually so cheerful and lively. It therefore was unusual to see her exceptionally withdrawn.

I told my conversation partner that some people laugh so that they can ward off the sadness within. When circumstance is hopeless and unchangeable, people surpass the stage of crying and laugh instead. The bitter laugh of misery.

Laughter temporarily allows them to forget their sorrows. Though odd, they sometimes laugh at nothing or little things. It is just the way they cope with life; the way they try to see the light rather than the dark.

She then asked me whether my talk on ‘laughter being a mask’ was referring to myself. I simply smiled and shrugged.

I do use laughter as a subconscious coping mechanism. However, most recently, I find it difficult to have a good genuine laugh. And perhaps I lost the ability to cry as well. Even then, I feel myself escaping into my world of fantasy, in which I was abandoned as a child into this dimension of the world. Time and again, I search for the gate to return to the dimension I belong to but can never find it.

Bad memories of the past are coming back to haunt me and I fear one day I would succumb to those thoughts. I remember the times when I was powerless against the teasing at school. I felt pathetic for not having the guts and tenacity to fight back.

My fears on the future aren’t pleasant as well. I doubt circumstance will grant me the happiness I desire. My simple want of having family and friends by my side may shatter. Before it shatters and hurts me, I’d rather abandon them than be abandoned.

Sorry for being so bitter. But when you were once scorned before, you’d harden your exterior to prevent your spirit from being hurt again. You learn to wear a mask, and become an actor. Sometimes, you get so caught up that you forget who you really are.

Thankfully, I live my life as close to who I am as I can…

I may be an oddity, but I am who I am.

[ fanvideo made by Rainbow610 ]

Logen L.

Last Thursday, I met up with Mrs Wendy Lai, who had been my form teacher during my upper secondary years back in Beatty. We had the opportunity to meet in Ngee Ann (my current school) because, she was taking her students there for an accountancy-related event.

During the two years in upper secondary, she used to be my mentor when my team participated in a few business competitions. We had sacrficed afternoons and sometimes mornings just for the sake of those competitions. And when our team won third place for both years, it was worth it.

My team not only had gained experience but had bonded with Mrs Lai considerably. Therefore, you can imagine that we were really happy to catch up after my graduation two years ago.

Anyway, as we conversed about how the class was like back in the day, she suddenly asked if I was doing any emceeing in Ngee Ann. When I answered ‘no’, she asked why not.

In trying to answer her, I remembered last semester when I stumbled in my presentation. And it seemed thereafter that I have developed a sort of mental block towards public speaking. This I told her.

Instead of looking exasperated, she reminded me of the business competitions, both of which I had presented really well. When I tried to tell her that my fiasco of a presentation was an indication of how my nerves had affected me, she told me that I had no problem presenting my team’s business plan in front of hundreds of people for two years. And it reminded me about how coolly I answered the judges’ questions, criticisms and praises.

I won’t analyse what went wrong on that day when I stumbled. But to think that a presentation in front of 40 people affected my nerves was laughable indeed. I can only resolve to prove to myself that I can do what I did two years ago.

Sometimes, it takes someone to remind you of what you once were capable of. Thanks Mrs Lai.

Logen L.

I finally visited my grandfather two days ago. He was happy to see me and we did talk for quite a bit.

Knowing that his memory was failing him slowly, I bought him green tea. I wanted to get him some reading material but his eyesight is bad. And in my opinion, it can contribute to memory problems.

The eyes can be said to be the windows to intellectual stimulation, such as reading, doing word puzzles and so on. Without intellectual stimulation, especially in old age, the brain power can actually deteriorate. But I’m not to worried for the old man, because he tries to read albeit with great difficulty.

From our conversation, I found out some interesting things from him. He had fought for Singapore during World War 2. He was injured during the bombings and till this day has shrapnel stuck in his shins. After the war, he was offered citizenship in England and medical care for his injuries. He declined.

Throughout the conversation there was a shade of bitterness in his voice. He talked about the shortcomings of age; the lack of ability to be self-sufficient and befalling to illness. I could tell that he was lonely. It makes me think, would I one day feel this sense of loneliness. Would I lose my ability to support myself and fall into the ills of age. And eventually would I pray for death to come swiftly, to escape the pain.

Logen L.

The human condition dictates that we only see the partial truth. What do I mean? Can you experience truth in a direct manner? The answer is no. We perceive truth, through our five senses and mind. While the five senses are rather reliable, they are still prone to error. The mind, however, is more so unpredictable.

I shall illustrate this with my own example.

Some days ago, I was upset about what someone had said about me. The moment I heard what I heard, my mind immediately dug up past references of similar events. By the time I had finished replaying my memories of the past and what had happened moments ago, what the person had said became ten times worser.

Very often, things that happen to us aren’t as bad as how we perceive them to be. However, the mind doesn’t let your past hurts be gone so easily. The mind likes to take the good things that happen for granted, and choose to relish in painful memories.

This is the human condition. From moment to moment, we seek to free ourselves from suffering by anticipating and then avoiding suffering. We seek pleasure to numb the pain. We become paranoid due to past incidents.

But think about this, if you continuously try to avoid suffering by being paranoid, isn’t it additional suffering? After all, what we perceive is only the partial truth. Paranoia is the overactive imagination at work.

To truly be free, you have to let go of the bad; if you decide to carry the burden of bad memories, they will fester inside of you and eventually consume you.

Life is just a paradox.

Logen L.

Last week, I decided to dress up differently (maybe too differently for some). I cannot pinpoint to a single reason as to why I did so. However, for sure I was tired of being so damn self-conscious of my eccentricities. And sick of people blatantly implying that I should conform to what is normal.

I can’t say I’m ashamed of being eccentric. Somehow, I glory in it because it proves my existence and it tells me who I am. Yet, after saying all that, I fear being judged and disliked.

This time, I wanted my dressing to be congruent with my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to see if I could deal with being criticised at a basic level. And you know what? It was excruciating. Experientially, I have finally found out, no matter what I do, people have something to say.

The things I heard, brought me back to the past where I was taunted for being effeminate. I don’t know… I felt devalued and worthless. I’m especially sensitive to whatever hints at me being effeminate.

Anyway, thanks to a few unique friends, I realised many things of value. I’m not going to give a damn about what people think…

Logen L.

Positivity is truly a strange attitude. When you have it, things seem not to faze you. This includes sizable obstacles that block your way.

Yet, it is difficult to maintain such an attitude of positivism. Because when one becomes negative, everything that happens seem to confirm and justify his attitude. For example, waking up late for school is a bad thing, and if by chance you encounter a rude pig on the bus, it confirms your perspective on the day being bad.

In the end, your mind will begin seeing things selectively. You will tend to notice the horrible stuff and take for granted any neutral or good events. In the end, you continually confirm and justify your negative attitude. This is a very good way to be melancholic and miserable.

At least this is how it is for me. I simply hold on to anger or sadness when I get stressed. And it sometimes take months for me to reach rock bottom.

We as human beings remember our hurts and take for granted our pleasures. It is hard to do it the other way round and be positive; when you selectively ignore the horrible and notice the good. Well, all in all, happiness and sadness are both choices.

I am trying to have that positive attitude but it isn’t easy. At the same time, I don’t think I’m hard to please. Laughing throughout the day is no problem for me. However, my friends prefer that I cut down on laughing and lower the volume of my laughter and stop snorting while laughing.

Logen L.

I was chatting with a friend earlier and we came upon certain things. These things reminded me of the past and helped form valuable insights.

In talking about choices that affect the future, this friend had indicated he was afraid of history repeating. I remembered my own fear of my past and the fear of another friend. It was then I realised everyone has this universal fear of their past hurts and desire to escape it.

This hurt is very much like a burn caused by fire, resulting in the victims avoidance of fire. However it is much deeper and potent at consuming the mind. Deeper, because it is the cruel kind of pain entwined with the victim’s helplessness, which leads him to believe himself to be inferior.

It is the kind of pain that robs a person of his hope, strength and purpose to live on his life. Eventually, the pain may die off but it leaves a ghost that enslaves its victim into a vicious cycle. At the hint of history repeating itself, the heart races, the head pounds and the breath becomes short.

On the same wavelength, I identified another piece of insight while talking to this friend. As human beings, we reach out from within our sorrows and desperation, hoping to find a person who would understand.

Just knowing that you’re understood, makes a difference. It indicates you’re not alone in your suffering and, that someone who understands you has acknowledged your worth. But many times, we isolate ourselves, and never allow the world to assuage the hurt and to understand. In this sense, we are all similar.

I know this because, I myself have many times felt myself scratching desperately at the walls of the abyss, trying to crawl out. And in my heart, I just want someone to believe in me, to witness my tears and acknowledge that I’m not disposable. However, my ego despises being pitied at, because some people confuse support and pity.

It is this understanding that calls forth compassion. It is when I see myself in the person suffering that I cannot just watch without helping.

Logen