I wish I could express my thoughts as eloquently as before. But as at now, my mind is written in a language that I know not how to transcribe to English.

I’m frustrated at my lack of direction in life; something I prided upon in the past. Now its all groggy as though I’m recovering from amnesia. My confidence and assertiveness have dwindled and I find it difficult to assert my fair rights and stand. To worsen my predicament, every time I hear that (if you know it, then you know; otherwise, mind your own business), I feel as though someone has broken my ribs apart to slice my heart over and over. Circumstance makes it difficult for me to love, let alone feel compassion, for another person.

This is what happens when you live life without religion. You cannot rely on the ‘infallible’ fairytale of humans to fix your life. You cannot attach yourself to an ‘absolute’ truth. Ironically, there is no such thing as absolute truth nor reality. However, when you hit rock bottom (or are in denial that you are melancholic), it becomes tough to contemplate your situation.

Even then, I’m contented to make up the rules and principles of my own life. For one, I prefer to think for myself and not be lectured about morality.

It is therefore prudent that I begin by taking charge of my life and start respecting myself as an individual. I cannot constantly neglect my needs, because by doing so, I’m subconsciously allowing people to step all over me.

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And I must stop perceiving the world in terms of ‘statistics’. For instance, statistics like: “Most people die by the age of 70″ , are not only inaccurate but place limits on what I can achieve as an individual. I cannot let these statistics dictate whether I’ll achieve my goal. Instead, I must push on despite the shit and uncertainty to create my path. I already know the typical life of the people in my land is not my path.

P.S. Don’t be a smart aleck to assume that I’m worried about dying at the age of 70. The statistic (which is totally made up) is just a convenient example to shield my real concerns. You think you know me, but what you know of me is what I allow you to know. Perhaps its time I trusted a few other close friends to be not shameless gossips.

Logen L.

When you possess clarity in your thoughts and the direction in life, you assume that the clarity will last. However, this act of attaching yourself to clear thought, is the beginning of losing it. In order to see things as they are, we must let go of what we fear.

If we are able to calm our minds of fear, we’ll be shocked at how fear can aggravate an innocent situation. We are conditioned to face the good with pleasure and attachment; and the bad with fear and aversion. We must drop the illusion of good and bad as they are ultimately two sides of the same coin. Both good and bad should be faced with a calm objective mind. Fear taints clear thought. It instigates paranoia that totally blinds us from clarity. Blindness impairs us from taking action.

[ Aikido demonstration and free attacks ]

Sometimes, during Aikido training I’m required to defend against attacks, at normal speed, without knowing how the attacker will attack. Anticipating an attack results in lack of clarity, because most of the time, you won’t be able to anticipate an attack correctly. I have to empty my mind of anticipation and fear. This way I can truly see an attack for what it is; and not what I imagine. And my body has been able to respond to an attack without hesitation by blending with the attackers attack.

I realise the key to being calm and retain clarity is to accept that some of my fears may come true. In the case of an attack, it is the fear of being hit. By accepting those fears I can take action to minimise the impact. It beats attaching to my fears and allowing them to claim my sanity. As a martial artist, the moment you lose clarity and calm, you are dead. I suppose the same can be said of life.

Logen L.

Time and again, adversity has taught me to have compassion for another human being’s pain. Ignorance is the cause for all of the world’s problems. People live within their selective reality, seeing the world as how they want to see it. They dehumanise and disrespect fellow human beings and justify their fears by imposing selective reality on their victims.

At a time when my mind was purer, I would tell you to react to their actions with compassion. But my world has been and continues to be oppressed by these people. For which they oppressed, I cursed them to die. I hated them.

My mind had become unstable and I lost clarity in my thoughts. How can one be sane when his sense of self is clinging onto a thread, so close to death? Finally, I experienced the essence of hate and truly understood why people can be driven to hate and commit acts of violence.

When you crush a person’s hopes and dreams of creating their happiness in all entirety, it is as good as murdering this person. After all, when a person dies, he gives up his past, present and future.

You can be as certain as fucking hell, this person will fight for his life. Amidst the darkness, where he sees no light nor compassion, the person will turn to ignorance and paranoia. And this will sire hate. No one wants to hate. It is only out of desperation and desire to survive that he hates to motivate himself to live.

With the little clarity I’ve regained today, I’m relinquishing the hate I cling on to. Hate has a price. You poison your soul with perpetual pain by clinging on to hate. And by clinging on to hate, I’m as guilty for ignorance as the people who victimised me.

I now sincerely believe that compassion can bring about change and peace. Compassion allows us to see the human inside everyone, even within the monsters who are ignorant. It reminds us that even the worst human being has some good within them. And compassion has always been associated with the divine. I mean, do you attest that compassion, towards someone who intends to murder your existence, is an easy thing to do?

Logen L.

I’m forced by society to see with eyes tainted by my blood.
It drips down, crimson red; I can’t help but focus on the pain.

Yet again, I have killed myself; the agony prolonged by fear of death.
From the corpse within the abyss of cold, I am reborn.
The old self has too much hate to recover; it demands a blood debt.

The shadows await the new god’s demise;
Will they succeed in dragging him down at the next turn in tide…

Logen L.

Disclaimer: The text here is merely my opinion. It may or may not represent the true nature of things. This disclaimer serves to protect me from repercussions if you wish to rely on my views. On no account should I be held responsible.

The module WISP (World Issues, Singapore Perspective), is presently covering discrimination and prejudices in a Singapore perspective. I’ve kept silent on my views for the past 1 and a half years, because I have lost hope on this country. My voice and the voice of many others do not matter to the establishment. Why then should I waste time proving that youths are not apathetic on current issues…

The government and society want to hear what they want to hear. The voice of dissent is quelled like a disease. We speak of equality in this country. But what of foreign workers? What of not appointing a certain race in certain parts of the military? What of gays, lesbians and the trangendered? Are they not people too?

I was tired of being called a ‘Bangla’ just because I demanded respect for the Bangladeshi workers who worked here. I was tired of the taunting in school when I used to be effeminate. So is it wrong of me to demand respect for them because I had a small taste of how homosexuals are treated.

Politics is sordid business. Speaking up for the discriminated is sordid business. Because society loves to throw their sordid stereotypes on apparently normal people on the basis that they are different.

“No, my religion says…”.

“They are so smelly…”

“It is just disgusting…”

“They are lazy and stupid…”

The one thing that has inspired me to carry on with my voice today are the words from Dr Soin, who quoted Magaret Mead:

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

Apparently I have to be careful with airing views of this nature, lest I be thrown in jail for inciting disharmony…

Logen L.