Logish Paradox

Living In Another Land And Writing A Novel

“Nothing is bleaker than the future, except perhaps the past.”

- A remark by a geisha on the war, Memoirs of A Geisha

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I spent the morning contemplating (and worrying) over how life will pan out after I have served the military. Long have I discovered that life rarely takes on the path of your desires. And my desires are many.

Before the age of thirty, I intend to migrate out of this country to another. My reasons for doing so are purely personal. I want to be a businessman who runs his own business, with a portfolio of investments. And I’d like to author fictional stories as a part-time job. Amidst all this, I want the time to train in Aikido (or Aikijujutsu) and perhaps fall in love.

However, when I compare my plans with what I observe of others, my aspirations sound naive and risky. The standard cookie-cutter plan of my friends is to: (1) Apply for a ‘good’ university, (2) Graduate and work for a company for the rest of their lives, (3) Find time to get married in the process. I don’t mean to scorn the plan, but it certainly isn’t for me.

There are some options in my mind now, to take my being closer to my goals (mainly the immigration).

1. Train in Japan as a live-in aikido student at the Yoshinkan Aikido Headquarters. Supplement my income as an English teacher and improve my Japanese proficiency. After 5 years, I can be considered for naturalisation as a Japanese citizen. There is definitely job satisfaction as I enjoy teaching.

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2. Become a (accountancy or business) student at an Australian University. Apply for permanent residency for some years before applying for citizenship.

3. Take up an accountancy degree through Ngee Ann’s affiliation with overseas universities, or study for ACCA. Work for a few years locally, then apply for Canadian citizenship as a skilled worker (accountant/auditor). Or if I have sufficient net assets (unlikely), I can apply for Canadian citizenship under their entrepreneur scheme.

Apparently, money is a damper to my plans, especially option two. But I’d like to further my studies for the sake of a back up plan and to have one last opportunity to be a student. I’m going to the ‘Study In Australia’ Exhibition to consider my university options this Sunday.

It occurred to me that the idea of traveling the world while working as an English teacher seems viable. To write a book while events take shape in an unfamiliar cultural landscape is spontaneously romantic. What say you? Please answer my poll below.

Logen L.

Things To Do Before Being Conscripted

This is the year when I’ll be conscripted into the military. Before that happens, I intend to do these things:

1. Attain Silver for NAPFA

The two obstacles that I face in this physical fitness test are the standing broad jump and pull ups. I must be in time to take the test in mid April.

2. Learn to do the Melbourne Shuffle

I’ve fallen in love with shuffling ever since I’ve seen it done on YouTube. But after seeing some girl at Powerhouse shuffle, I’m determined to master it. Muahaha!

3. Gardening and re-potting

After my efforts at weeding months ago, the aloe vera plant is flourishing. Baby aloe veras are sprouting and I intend to re-pot them.

4. Write one short story

I’ve said on several occasions that I want to write short stories. However, I’ve always allowed procrastination to get the better of me. This time I want to brush up on my language and get to writing.

5. Meditate and live life

Though I’m aware, I’ve been drifting in fatigue and without direction for the past weeks. I’ve got a lot to reflect on by attempting insight meditation. Also, I’ve got a lot of partying and clubbing to do. That’s part of living life, is it not?

6. Increase Online Earnings

Yes. I’ve been doing this for a long time. I daresay, so much so that I neglect other parts of my life. Therein lies the reason for putting this goal as the last.

That is all. I’ll take action when I wake.

Logen L.

Happy 2010 and Resolutions

We live in a world of uncertainty. Everyone hurts so badly that they’ve become compassion-less. Familiarity is comfort; selective reality is medicine to assuage the suffering.

Today, I’m here to renew my vow to reach my happiness, amid the uncertainty. I vow to reach my goals my way. I will forgive and be compassionate to even those who oppose me.

It doesn’t matter if I will take on a path less taken. No matter the difficulty. Even if there is little proof that my principles, ethics and path will enable me to succeed, I will push on. I will be the exception because I’m not mere statistics. I am Logen, the god of my own destiny. And I don’t give a fuck of what society expects me to do.

Happy new year everyone. I resolve to stick to my code of ethics and principles and my way (and path).

Logen L.

First Week To The Hectic Final Semester

This semester will be hectic. As it is, the first deadline for a crucial assignment is in slightly over a week. Most modules require intensive study.

I’m going to take things one step at a time. However, I need to be more disciplined and take action to complete my work without procrastination. If I dawdle, the consequences may be dire.

Logen L.

Reducing My Phobia Of Cockroaches

I’ve been listening to hypnosis recordings a few times a week to reduce my fear of cockroaches.

Days ago, I managed to spray down a young flying cockroach and wrap it in newspaper to throw away. I found out I can handle the presence of a cockroach if I either close my eyes or ignore its ugly features when killing it. If I look at its feelers, ugly eyes or kicking legs, I’ll end up screaming.

Last night, I had a vivid nightmare and I remember using scrunched up newspaper to whack a huge cockroach dead. And even flicking a smaller cockroach off my thigh.

Yes, it was a dream. But if I’m able to subconsciously deal with cockroaches, perhaps I am actually reducing my fear with the help of hypnosis.

It is a small step towards my goal. And I’m feeling happy about it. I’m not ready to deal with huge flying cockroaches though. Or even huge running cockroaches.

Logen Lanka

Suffering In The Cycle Of Pain and Pleasure

Lately I’ve felt a relapse of melancholy. It was a taste of the pains I went through years ago. The feeling of being unloved, unwanted, helpless, hopeless and loneliness. The silence of your world is the most terrible and wondrous feeling. Your tongue is cut by your oppressors. You feel blades slicing deep within your heart. You cannot call out for help. No one knows. No one cares. Yet, you yourself can listen to the pain of your crying heart.

Among people, you wear a mask of happiness. You force yourself to forget the melancholy, and for awhile you succeed. But once you’re alone, the shadows creep in to smother your breath.

Of all things, I learnt not to deny pain. It is part and parcel of life. Being in denial of pain will consume every ounce of positivity and kindness you have left. It makes you cold hearted and vengeful. The denial of melancholy will not prevent the pain from seeping in; it will prolong the suffering.

I’ve accepted the recent sorrow, and it has faded. Yet, it had a purpose. I was reminded of the noble ideal I came across when battling depression last time.

Buddhism calls this ideal compassion.

Human being suffer. We suffer due to the ignorance of our true nature of impermanence. Suffering has no comparison; each person deals with pain and feels pain differently. At some point, every human being (and sentient being) encounters pain, for it is part of the cycle of pain and pleasure.

The cure for suffering is compassion. If you seek to lighten another person’s pain, you will diminish your own pain. You learn to understand pain on a different level, from a different person. Understanding turn to acceptance and you will see yourself in that person. In essence, every person is the same.

This is what I’ve forgotten for so long. I’ve lost my compassion in one of the major relapses of depression. I became hateful towards people who made me resent myself. As lofty as this goal is, I strive to be more compassionate…

Logen L.

Of The Military, Martial Arts and Meditation

I’ve submitted my documentation pertaining to the military conscription. Close to Christmas, I have a medical appointment to ascertain my fitness and health in order to serve the army. The thought of inserting a needle into my vein to draw blood is making me squeamish.

For the next three months, I’ll acclimating myself to a new workout routine, incorporating martial arts and Parkour. I also want to get back to meditating. But for that to happen, I’ve got to take care of my body properly. I’m getting regular fatigue combined with migraines and this won’t be conducive to meditation practice. I ended up in a half sleep state the last time I meditated while fatigued.

Any cures for fatigue or/and migraine? My mother will probably say, “You sleep so late everyday, of course headache lah!”. Haha.

Logen L.