Logish Paradox

Starting My Own Business

There are 2.5 months left before the internship ends. It’s tiring, very tiring. Try as I might, I find it difficult to run my web developments in conjunction with the unfufilling internship. 

I hold no passion for auditing and accounting. It is a waste of my time and productivity.

My passion, instead, would be starting my own business, running it, and eventually relying on investments for my income. Some people who hear my aspiration believe that I am naive. They assume that I don’t know about the capital needed to start a business. They assume I know nothing about market research. They assume that in order to succeed in life, one has to work like a dog for a company…

I say, live and let live. I shall allow you to live your life as a dog, while you leave me to my aspirations. Do you know I have been establishing my business in the past years out of trial and error. I’ve pumped in at least a thousand dollar in capital; yes, not all businesses require you to spend $50K during the starting phase.

Out of the trial and error, it seems a quarter of the money has found a target industry that is profitable, with minimal work done. 

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I have never implied that starting a business was easy. I’m fully aware of the ins and outs. I have experienced the horror of losing money more than earning it. But it has gained me some fruit eventually. Do not make assumptions about me, especially when you know so little. 

P.S. Upon re-reading my post, it seems I’m feeling grumpy again. Oh well…

Logen L.

Tranquil Depression

Though without certainty, I can tell that I have had a minor relapse of depression for some time. I’ve been tempermental with my parents and sister, snapping at them and grumbling like an old man. My mind has been drifting unpredictably into apathy, anxiety, pain, sometimes calmness and clarity. 

Just now, I walked back home, mumbling and singing to myself. The frame of mind that possessed me was tranquil and yet, I could feel my mind shielding myself from my senses. I had no desire to see the world as it is. I’m going back to my old world. The world I created. 

At least, unlike the last time, I’m sitting on my chair calmly typing out my thoughts as it is. Neither paranoia nor worry is within my head. If it comes, I shall allow it to come and observe it. Nothing lasts forever. I’m taking a step at a time.

There’s no need to worry about me. I have faced worse. What I’m feeling now… It’s nothing.

Logen L.

I Am 19

It was refreshing to meet a close friend, whom I’ve not seen for a year, still sharing similar viewpoints on life. To be able to connect so well after the time gap is amazing. And I realise, the mark of wisdom is when someone allows their mind to consider the limitless possibilities, rather than rigidly generalise situations based on ‘common knowledge’.

Anyway, I was on MC today (Friday). The doctor told me that the cause of my daily migraines and disturbed sleep was stress-induced. My blood presure was slightly high and she gave me anxiety pills to improve the quality of my sleep.

I’m tired of the attachment. It is mind-numbing, boring and crazy. And when I think about this, it leads me to wonder… Will I survive the mandatory 2 years of being enslaved by the establishment…

Life is the rental of our body and mind. When the rent expires, we cease to exist. The law of impermance, cause and effect, and emptiness.

Thanks Ais and Bala for the meet. And I’m thankful to my fellow villagers for celebrating my birthday. 

Logen L.

I’m Not Born Out Of A Factory Assembly Line

These days I notice myself blogging more about my desire for tranquility and happiness. I feel uncomfortable when forced to talk to family, friends and relatives about my plans for the future. Everyone wants to hear that I want a regular job, a girlfriend, a university degree, a wife and to work myself soullessly to my demise.

For fuck’s sake, I’m not made out of a factory assembly line!

I don’t want a 9 to 5  job. I don’t want to work for money. I don’t need a wife. And I certainly don’t need people to tell me what I want and don’t want in my life…

I’m tired of donning a mask just to please people. Yet again, this mask I wear is for my convenience. I have no desire of having a long drawn conversation, in which the other party explains why my plans are naive, stupid or impossible. It does not serve my motives to allow someone to crush my dreams.

It feels good to be alone sometimes. The silence can both be paradoxically beautiful and terrifying in an instance.

Logen L.

Mental Breakdown

I suffered from a mental and emotional breakdown yesterday after work. My entire face was burning hot, whilst I stormed towards the train station. Inside the MRT cabin, my entire body shook with rage.

I contacted my liason officer, who knew I was under a lot of pressure. Without planning it, I could barely talk to her when she answered. I broke down crying. I’m rather thankful for advice.

Having decided to take the day off, I’m rearranging my perspective and strengthening my state of mind. Nearly 2 months have passed, 4 months left.

Logen

edited on 7 May 2009

Audit Internship Stress

I’m waiting for the internship to end. I repeat this line of words to myself everyday.

Anger has not served my purpose. Insanity has nearly wrecked the persona I portray at work. I’m trying hard to be calm. It isn’t easy. I cannot let go of the craziness. I cannot… But I must.

Logen L.

The Balancing Act Of Life Over Work

The internship has robbed me of some time and sanity.

It is apparent that I want to have a calm state of mind. A mind so tranquil that it doesn’t go crazy when 9 small issues and 1 huge problem crops up at the same time.

In the last week, I took the first step and asserted to my colleagues the importance of Aikido to me. I’ve been going to classes regularly since then and have recently been awarded Blue belt. Somehow, Aikido allows me to focus on the opponent with a relaxed attitude and execute the techniques.

Today, I resumed my jogging routine. This step was crucial to ensure I was back on track towards my goal and things were becoming stable.

Aside from those two things which form my normal routine, I aim to meditate on emptiness more often. To detach from the ego and truly see the emptiness of form. Tomorrow, I shall try out Tai Chi at home. Once I’m more familiar with it, I might join the oldies downstairs to do Tai Chi every Sunday morning.

What do I want from life? What do I seek?

I want to be contented and relaxed. I want a certain someone. I want to be financially stable through starting or buying over a business or even investing in property. I want to be mentally ready to die when my time comes, whether it is tomorrow, next year, next decade or whatever. Life is unpredictable and fear is a hindrance.

Logen L.