Category Archives: Confession

01/13/08

Bear a Mask and Live with it’s Consequences

Things seem to be heading for the worse. I don’t know what’s happening to me. Earlier I was fine and all of a sudden I feel despair. It happened so fast.

It’s a repeat of year 2005 and 2006. From depression, I recovered with minimal aid. Yet I’m sinking into the abyss again. I fear the agony of despair, anxiety and loneliness. Much worse the fear of fear.

Upon running through memories of my dead grandfather, I thought about how disappointed he would be of me if he was still alive. Maybe that expresses the sentiments of my family. I wouldn’t know. How about friends? I do not know. I don’t want to know!

I am contaminated and broken on the inside. Fooling myself that I was powerful, I fronted a mask, drove all resentment and misery inwards. Combined with my oath of silence, my soul withers in pain.

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Now that the entry has ended, there is a calming effect upon me. Enjoy it while it lasts…

“Lost in the darkness, try to find your way home
I want to embrace you and never let you go…
Almost hope you’re in heaven so no one can hurt your soul…
Living in agony ’cause I just do not know
Where you are” -Somewhere, Within Temptation

Logen

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01/12/08

Between Depression and Recovery

This is really a first for me. My mind fluctuates between depression and recovery. It was the same a few days ago.

All I know is I’m acting like a mentally ill person. I had a good breakdown a few hours ago, berating myself while sobbing. As predicted, I’m getting waves of paranoia and moments of terror.

It’s coming soon. I feel it. I can avert part of it but the rest might just kill me. On my side stands only one person, me. While the faceless enemy is a thousand times the stars in the sky. Maybe I’m not having the right perspective now. I don’t know.

My will is strong but the mind is greatly diminished, exhausted. I hope this will cease before desperation kicks in. Desperate people do desperate things.
Logen

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01/6/08

Denial And Truth

Life has so far been cycles of denial and clarity. At times, we lose motivation and drift, ignorant and cavalier about our destination. I’m happy that I have once again found clarity because denial makes a person a stranger towards himself. And someone who doesn’t know himself, will never find satisfaction.

In the past months, I tried to live a perfectionist lifestyle but failed miserably. Somehow, I have this need to be perfect. Whenever I do not uphold a high standard, I tend to give up; lose motivation. I subconsciously lied to myself about the merits of perfection and the possibility of attaining them. And through this deadly form of denial, I began to lose myself, drifting aimlessly in a darkened abyss.

My weakness lies in being too ambitious and when things don’t go my way, I either shut it out or flee from it. My fear of the truth doesn’t help. Eventually I do face it and marvel at how prominent the solution is. I just was too distracted to see what was there before…

Logen

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01/1/08

An Ironic New Begining

It seems that I’m going through a miserable new year. An ironic beginning, some might say. However, the continuation of an incomplete school semester can hardly count as a new beginning.

I’ve been unproductive during the past weeks and have yet to know the cost of my inaction. Projects and revision lagging behind.

In all honesty, I’ve lost the drive possessed during the first semester. My primary objective then was to keep my mind organised. To allow for it to assimilate info quickly and prove to myself that it can be done. And if school stuff helped in the process, good.

I’ve proved it, albeit my 3.5 GPA. The 0.5 gone can be attributed to me not handing up an assignment, missing a graded quiz and focusing too much on certain modules.

Anyway, the issues I face now is inaction (procrastination) and a stubborn heart. Say no more about the stubborn slut; I mean heart.

Well, I hope everyone else is having a better new year. In being a true blue money-faced Singaporean, may 2008 be prosperous. Screw the increase in GST.

I see a crash in the ang pow market!

Logen

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12/31/07

The Veil Between 2007 and 2008

In a few hours, we shall move through the veil that separates years 2007 and 2008. Not unlike Christmas, the ushering of the new year has little significance this year. I feel especially lonely as others celebrate their friendships and relations.

People are strange. The way we view time. Why wait for a new year to resolve for change? Because everyone else is doing the same? Never mind.

For the year 2008, I resolve to procrastinate less, be calmer and more introspective and be less fearful of writing blatantly honest blog entries. I have got to up my writing standards.

Logen

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12/30/07

Drifting Aimlessly Into The New Year

As the new year approach, I knowingly drift without aim. My mind is blank as to what I seek in life.

Perhaps I do know my goals, but sadly, I’ve forgotten them. Life is strange in this way. You get so distracted by your desires and hurts that you no longer remember to live life.

Even now, I struggle with this entry. Though, I have a topic at which I target, I cannot identify this topic. My mind is too lethargic to be insightful.

All I know is, over these few days, I need to regain my presence of mind. I’ve got to seek my direction without aid of a map. And so, my search for myself begins, once again.

Logen

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12/29/07

The Legend of Memories

I went somewhere. The place filled with old memories of boyhood. And there I saw, from the third person’s view, of my replay of reminiscences.

Though I cannot turn time, the tingly feeling of nostalgia affirms that what has happened really happened. I am so afraid of forgetting this feeling. Memories without feeling are like legends; things that may have happened but quite unbelievable.

The new year approaches and I’m starting to look back. The past has given me strength and in return I have sacrificed my naiveness. In this life of impermanence, let us live more.

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year.

Logen

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