All I hear is the echoing silence; the vision of olden empty hallways with long forgotten madhouse inmates. I am blind and cannot see the path towards happiness. I am deaf and cannot hear the god of destiny calling my name. And I have been silenced by the doctors of this madhouse. Will you hold my hand and guide me out of the cold black abyss. I am afraid; damn afraid of this paralysis, damn afraid of being abandoned and damn afraid of being unwanted.

Can you tell me that I’m worth it?

Logen

The new year has prodded me into thinking about life and what will happen after my stint at the army. It has reminded me about why my desire to be happy is just a pipe dream; and I’ve been sucessful at forgeting this dreadful reason for months, until now. Like I said in my prior post, don’t judge me or presume you know me. Don’t ask me the wherefores of my sadness out of curiosity.  Don’t talk down at me. At the same time, shut the fuck up about god.

I feel as if I’m stuck in another dimension, while everyone else is moving on with life, settling down in normalcy and conventionalism. I guess, this is the point where I stop and doubt myself and my existence. No longer can I cry. The closest I’ve gotten to crying is when I drink. And that’s also the time I feel most human.

You know what… I’m supposed to be writing my resolutions for 2012. Here they are…

1. Resume Aikido training (or switch to Yoshinkan Aikido)

2. Regularly produce content for my 2 other websites (at least once a month)

3. Learn conversational Thai

4. Earn US$300 from direct advertising (by June)

5. Make US$150 in domain sales (by June)

6. Become slimmer and tone my body

7. Take up a sport (other than martial arts)

8. Do a cover of Zombie accompanied by guitar music for Youtube

9. Complete a marathon

Happy new year people…

Logen

Here are some excerpts preluding and postluding the new year festivities for the past half a decade. In my serach for my writings in the past, I managed to idiotically delete an entire blog database by accident for a prior blog. Oh well.

Earlier this year, 2011:

Sure, there were many people walking in a drunken stupor, but better drunk and happy than sober and moody. What happened to the saint-like Logen who didn’t associate with booze and drunkeness? Well, he had sex, enjoys the occasional whiskey on the rocks, got pissed drunk twice and grew out of sainthood…

- Excerpt on having a disappointing and melancholic new year this year (2011)

2010:

It doesn’t matter if I will take on a path less taken. No matter the difficulty. Even if there is little proof that my principles, ethics and path will enable me to succeed, I will push on. I will be the exception because I’m not mere statistics. I am Logen, the god of my own destiny. And I don’t give a fuck of what society expects me to do.

- Excerpt on my vow to reach happiness. Incidentally, I had an awesome new year at Siloso beach party (pictures included).

Prelude to 2009:

So, whose hairstyle to choose: Uchiha Madara (or Sasuke) or Yondaime Hokage? My hair still isn’t long enough… and I can’t seem to forget that bloody hair dresser who butchered my long hair.

- Excerpt on choosing what cosplay hairstyle to have in the new year. And my grudge against the hair dresser.

2009 Resolution:

[...] conquer my fear of cockroaches and any other creatures with more than 4 legs, bigger than a 20 cent coin and living on land

- Excerpt on resolving to kill my horrible fear of cockroaches, which I have already achieved in the stinking dirty building in armour camp.

 2008:

Not unlike Christmas, the ushering of the new year has little significance this year. I feel especially lonely as others celebrate their friendships and relations.

- Excerpt on loneliness. Enough said.

2007:

Last year had been a true challenge, which I have eventually pulled through. At the beginning of yesteryear, I aimed to rise above the two-year long depression that had clouded my mind; I succeeded.

- Excerpt on ‘conquering’ depression temporarily. Melancholy comes back eventually.

2012:

Happy New Year my friends. I will be going once again to Siloso Beach Party this year. In fact, I’m supposed to meet my friends in 2 hours. See you.

Logen

Life takes you to places and amidst the journeying there is suffering and self-fulfillment. Often the suffering and pain surpasses the self-fulfillment, especially when the life you seek is unconventional. It is a sad sad world. And we need the people in our lives to be more accepting to our eccentricities, more supportive of our dreams and less judgmental to our struggles.

It is difficult to find people who share the desire for an unconventional life, contradictory to what society expects. It is just as difficult to find friends who would listen to your struggles for happiness without lashing out judgment.

Truth be told, the people we call ‘friends’ talk too damn much when what you need is a respite from life’s miseries and someone to listen (and be with you in the moment). When your body language leaks melancholy, these people ask about your well-being out of curiosity, not care nor concern. They judge your problems as though they know you and know every factor of struggle in your life. They belittle your struggles and tell you they’ve been through worse or that there are people in this world who are unluckier.

What arrogance, ignorance and insensitivity… Is it necessary to compete on whose life is more fucked up when someone gives their trust and confides their issues? Why the hell do you think therapists are paid to listen? Yes, that’s right. People talk too damn much.

Be a friend. While curiosity isn’t a sin, making ignorant criticisms as a byproduct of your curiosity is a sad excuse for care and concern. Learn to shut up and listen, control the urge to judge where judgment is unnecessary and lend support by being there. People already know the answers to their problems and need limited input. Agree to disagree and accept that there will always be stubbornly different views. Instead, give them the respite from pain and the strength to move forward in life.

Logen

Boredom has nudged me to dig some ‘dirt’ on Ais (a close friend of mine). Hopefully the dialogue between Eileen and her five years ago would give you some laughs.

Sorry Ais.

Logen