Logish Paradox

Don’t Take My Friendship For Granted

logish — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 16:45:10 +0000

Do not take me and our friendship for granted. Just because I keep silent and joke off your disrespect doesn’t mean I don’t feel offended and hurt. You have crossed the line when you include my family in your insults and I cannot remain blind to your disrespect. Do you not think I have emotions or an ego as well? Am I a joke to you?

With the end of the military service around the corner, do not taint the good memories of our friendship. It may be that our friendship is shit to you. If so, it is regrettable that I’ve been so foolish in believing that we are more than acquaintances in the same military camp. Go and fuck yourself. For that matter, go and fuck yourselves as well…

I forgo my sleep to meet you guys outside of camp and all I get is insulted and reminded of the tragic realities of life. Thank you for confirming that my company and existence is unimportant, unappreciated and a joke.

Logen

Life Is A Comedic Mess of Tragedies

logish — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 23:34:35 +0000

In our desperation, we see what we want to see. But in my desperation, I see people as they are and worse; unfeeling, unemphatic and selfish hypocrites. I’ve been watching more feel-good movies and dramas just to feel some hope; to lie to myself that maybe reality isn’t that harsh and things could very well have a happy ending.

Furthermore, while I’ve been pushing away thoughts of my dead granddad, I still see the people I love dying. I get the occasional nightmare of a loved one dropping dead and end up crying in my sleep. In the past, my dreams used to be my refuge from reality, but now, even that little shred of where I might belong is fading.

My friends think I’m happy and my life is a comedy. But my life is a tragedy. My existence is what it is. In these few months, this is the closest I’ve come to wanting to die. It feels much different than the teenage depression I’ve faced.

In The Fringes Of This Dimension

logish — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 08:58:15 +0000

Why do I have to pretend to be cheerful when I’m not? And why do I have to bear a grumpy demeanor just to get people to fuck off and leave me alone.

This is a world that belongs to those who conform to the norm and to societal expectations. And I have no place in this world. I do not belong here. Every moment I am here is suffering. I may have my happy moments and contentment; but the blank canvas and default state of my mind is melancholy.

The time has long passed when I craved normalcy and a place where I belong. In frankness, no such place exists. I do not want to live within the fringes of this dimension but I’m forced to. I do not want to lurk in the shadows that people refuse to speak of, but I’m forced to.

You have no idea how much I hate and resent this world that has evolved and left me without a place. I can only watch from the shadows, and see the people I love leave and move on, while I remain where I am.

Don’t tell me to cheer up. You don’t what’s happening, you don’t know me and you don’t care. People are selfish and think only of themselves. They judge people for their entertainment until they are victims of their own victimization. There is no repentance and no forgiveness. There is only the cold and suffering.

Suck it up and wear a mask of conformity. And don’t forget to pretend to be happy.

Logen

Another Death Within The Month

logish — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 04:55:27 +0000

My aunt died of breast cancer last Monday, leaving behind her husband and two daughters; one of whom is my god-sister. I wasn’t told until I booked out of the god damn military camp. Because of tradition and custom, my family most regrettably cannot attend her funeral as we are still in mourning.

I was not particularly close to this aunt of mine. But I had stayed at her house on several occasions when I was a kid. She was always pleasant.

I have not yet seen my god-sister. And I know that she isn’t taking it well. I would go ballistic if I were her. Nothing I say will be able to bring back her mother. And no words will comfort her.

Less than a month ago, I had to watch my granddad die and now, my aunt. How many more deaths do I have to face? Asking why is fruitless. There is no one who can answer that. God doesn’t exist.

Loneliness is not a bad experience if you were lonely for most part of your life. Being alone can be a tranquil feeling. The problem occurs when you let people in and forge a genuine bond with them. Breaking the thread that entwine two hearts or more is terrible. The roaring silence and the dark empty void consumes you. You sit within the darkness and the shadows reach out, grabbing you with their cold, cold palms. You have no choice but to accept their embrace and comfort. And you join the ranks of those who no longer want to feel love and ultimately pain.

People have their vices. And they use their vices to forget; alcohol, sex, cutting, drugs and so on.

The reality of life is that we are lonely individuals who are born alone and die alone. The people who support us and love us will ultimately die off. If they don’t die, they reject you. Life is a joke and a game that you cannot win. The end result and destination is death. Hope, dreams and love allow you to last longer in the game. And the most you gain out of the game are extra fleeting moments of happiness, sadness, satisfaction, discomfort and pain.

Maybe its the extra time that matters. I don’t know…

Logen

I See Death Everywhere

logish — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 11:59:04 +0000

These days, when I hear the phone ring I automatically think that there’s bad news. My mind wonders if it should prepare itself for another person’s death.

People are born only with the final destination of death. Where there were hopes and dreams, there is now a melancholic reality that death is the final outcome. Everywhere, there is death. There was news of a young man dying in the military today. And the fact is, people die everyday.

More often, I see the death of my loved ones, my friends and my camp-mates. I envision them within a coffin and I don’t know how to deal with it.

And it is as if I can’t get the image of my granddad being mechanically pushed into the crematorium fires. I’ve been searching for videos of that scene; of a coffin being cremated by computerized machinery. And I get confused as to whether I have come to terms with the death of my granddad.

Maybe it is because it has been only a week. I should give it more time. And I shouldn’t isolate myself from friends. I’m killing myself with the insanity within.

Logen