10/5/12

Make Your Tombstone’s Dash Count

We live in a world of paradoxes and tragedies. Life is a rental of this mortal vessel that will eventually be returned back to the earth beneath our feet. That which we call a body is in the constant state of decay and repair. As time passes, we lose the ability to keep up with repairing the decay, until eventually, what is left of us is dust and bones.

Tombstone of Logen Lanka

As we advance, we forget our mortality and keep striving at the cost of what is truly important. We hold on to our stubborn values and beliefs, so much so, that we overlook and infringe the liberties and rights of other.  We struggle for the dream of a better life, and in the process trample over the dreams of the thousands of unknown and nameless people.

We live in an unfair world because we make it so. We live in misery because we are selfish for our own interests. And when we leave, we leave the mess and chaos we have created; that is our legacy, which we will not be remembered for if we are lucky.

I don’t know if I’m going to find my happiness. I don’t know if I will be stuck in student debt. I don’t know if my business will work out. I don’t know if I can find my certain someone.  Life is uncertain for all.

But I am certain that I am the god of my own destiny. I am certain that I will fight on in this struggle. I am certain that I will do my best to be immortal and leave behind a legacy worthy to be remembered for the right reasons.

I will make the tiny dash between the years on my tombstone count.

Logen

Image generated from: www.jjchandler.com/tombstone/

10/1/12

I Am Going To Curtin And Business Is Stabilising

My loan application to finance my University education at Curtin has been approved and I am indebted to both Siva and Shi Hui for being my guarantors. I would also like to thank both Mandy and Xing Dan, who has both offered to be my guarantor as well. Also, I appreciate the genuine concern of my fellow half-blood, JX, who had sent a long email with options on financing;  that said, he is also at Curtin and as suggested as much that my crazy presence at Curtin would bring life to the place.

Logen in the streets of Taipei

Logen in the streets of Taipei
(photographer: JX – I’d better give him credit. Although, he didn’t get me to sign model release forms :p )

Life has been hard but things are starting to work out in business. I have to still keep going on to ensure that I bring added stability to my income. With my acceptance of the job offer from my client, things will be a tad bit chaotic. When the time comes when I have to balance Uni, the business and the job, I am sure my moods will worsen. But my resolve and innate stubbornness, as ever, is intact.

How about love life? I lack one, despite having a huge liking for a certain person. Enough said.

So, let me fall back on my vices of smoking, drinking and soon enough (again), sex. I sound reckless with my life, but that is how I attempt to forget the bleakness. I will, of course, attempt to get some exercise in. But gaining weight is not a problem. With my horrendous sleeping habits, copious amount of smoking and knack to forget my meals when working, I have been told that I’m getting skinny – ‘skinny’ being a subjective term, considering I know really skinny people (one of whom thinks he is fat. Gosh…).

I intend to do several posts regarding stories of my close friends, probably starting from the people I mentioned on this post. I’d like to show some appreciation to the people in my life, instead of having melancholic and bleak posts all the time. So, watch this space.

One more thing, due to my correspondence to both clients from UK and USA, my English use has gotten slightly quirky as I have to switch from UK spelling to US spelling and vice versa. So forgive me for any inconsistencies.

08/28/12

Sorry To Disappoint You

If you’ve come here for something positive, I’m sorry to disappoint you; you should have known better and long given up on that. Life is far from happy. Reality is a curse. The only saving grace are my close friends who have been very supportive, even though we do not meet often.

I want to feel something other than melancholy, disappointment, boredom and stagnancy. Yet, this is all I feel. I don’t want to type a long drawn post justifying why I feel the way I do and why I am who I am. I just am and this is how I feel.

How does a fun and crazy person become risk-averse and unhappy? Life happens. Society expects people to fall into a cookie-cutter mold; to be the same, to want the same and to feel the same. Guess what… This is a place where I do not belong. This is a place where I cannot find the strength to smile. This is a place where I am just different.

I don’t know how long I can tolerate the worries and the fear of stagnating. I fear death less than losing the people I love. But this is life.

08/12/12

Am I Going To Curtin?

I don’t know how I’m going to make this work. And I say this with intense disappointment and sadness.

I had high expectations to enroll into Curtin University Singapore but this may not happen. Yes, I was accepted and the contract is signed, but I have yet to find the means to finance the tuition fees. Every time, I think the loan is settled, something crops up and there is some new requirement.

With the business issues and personal problems, I am finding it an uphill battle to keep myself sane. I try to sleep to escape the living nightmare but I cannot. I finally know why so many people lose their fun once they reach a few years into adulthood; life sucks it out of them. And I truly know why people have their vices… they need to cope with how fucked up life is.

And you know what? I’m damn tired.

Logen

06/2/12

Did You Know?

But you don’t, do you? And you’d never know.

I saw you just now. But you didn’t know. You know nothing. And it is best left at that.

I hope you were happy. I really do.

05/26/12

Why Ask Why When It Changes Nothing

Why can’t my life be simpler? Why do my choices have such complicated implications? Why do I have to feel this deep sense of sorrow and hopelessness? Why then do I exist?

People take their lives and normalcy for granted. Their friendship and kinship are extended conditionally. They like to assume to know everything about you, when they know nothing that matters to you. They take you for granted. They are the biggest hypocrites, criticising others when they commit the very same trespasses. Compassion and mercy is overrated. Kindness is a comforting gesture that everyone forgoes and forgets.

I’m trying to retain small vestiges of my naivete but I cannot. In this cruel world, you have to be your own god and be strong. Stupidity costs you. No one cares. Everyone is blind and deaf. And people take advantage of your warmth and concern.

Enough is enough. I really don’t want to feel the way I feel on a near daily basis. The despondency is killing me on the inside. The mask I wear melts when I consume alcohol. And people think that I’m a foolish drunk talking. No matter how drunk I am, I remember my words. My body may fail me but my mind does not.

You know what… The truth reveals itself through two impetuses: alcohol, anger(resentment) or both. And most of the time, I am both. So, next time, don’t pretend to care when you are just curious. Go and have your fun and leave me be.

I’m used to being left alone in my own company; I was always a lonely child. I can handle the darkness that comes for me; the shadows that grin maliciously in the deep suffocating abyss. Just go…

05/25/12

Happy Belated Birthday To Me

Just another day. Nothing special.

I don’t get the hoo-ha over birthdays; one, you become older and, two, you are closer in your journey towards the final destination of death. Birthdays are just a morbid way to celebrate living through and surviving one year of suffering.

It is however, heart-warming, to get birthday greetings from family and friends. It is good to know in some way that people remember your existence. And even if only for one day (or less), they may appreciate your existence and their relationship with you.

Forgive my morbid outlook on reality. But humanity is at its last straw with me. Maybe I’m just a horrible person and an outcast in society. Nonetheless, I appreciate my own existence. Happy birthday Logen…