Monthly Archives: January 2008

01/15/08

Mandy Tagged me with this Meme

Answer the following questions:

1. The person who tagged you is ?

Mandy Low

2. Your relationship with him/her is?

She is a very close friend. At one stage we used to be best friends.

3. Your impression of him/her?

Crazy joker with an understanding nature.

4. The most memorable thing he/she has done for you?

Too many things. But in summary she’s been there for me when I needed it most.

5. If he/she becomes your lover, you will ?

Hahaha. You’re making me laugh. That won’t happen.

6. If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she have to improve?

Read my previous answer. But as a friend, I’d advise her to… (Mandy, you know what I always tell you. Haha.)

7. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will ? 

The most that would happen is that we will no longer contact each other.

8. Your overall impression of him/her?

I feel so warm inside. Hahaha. Inside joke…

9. How do you think people around you will think about that person?

Approachable, extremely open and sociable. Has a mental streak in her.

10. The characteristics you love in yourself are?

Loyalty, honour and the depth of my insights. I am from the noble house of Godric Gryfindor.

11. On the contrary, the charactereristics you hate yourself for are?

Fear and paranoia. They stop me from thinking logically.

12. The most ideal person you want to be is?

I’ve said this before a long time ago, the Buddha and Albus Dumbledore. Though I’d prefer to be my own version of them.

13. For people who care and likes you, say something to them?

Let us unite against the dark bomoh. Evil will not and must not prevail!

14. Pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel.

Nope I don’t want to know.

Note: Logish Paradox will have less regular updates in light of the final exams. However, I’d try to maintain it at 2 posts a week.

Logen

01/15/08

My Intepretation of Depression

I’ve spoken about depression in my last few entries. Before my words are misconstrued, here is my intepretation of what depression essentially entails. Depression is an overwhelming sense of anger, despair, or sadness that persists for over two weeks. It has the power to destroy a person’s sense of being and personality.

On this basis, from Secondary 3 onwards, I had an onslaught of despair and sadness, lasting for up to six months. It ceased for several weeks before repeating itself. Despite small relapses, I recovered between the end of 2006 and start of 2007. These relapses are seldom as acute, but if I get paranoid about them being permanent, it become agony.

Thusfar, I’ve avoided talking about my triggers. I’m afraid to be judged for them and admit myself to be oversensitive. Those triggers have a life of their own. It’s not unlike looking at an old photo and having a video montage of happy memories replaying in your mind. Contrary to happiness, those memories cause me misery.

Enough said. I’ve exhausted my braincells and my body is aching for sleep. To my ever-so-silent readers, do give me feedback on what you like and dislike about my site. Suggest topics that you’d be interested to read about.

Good night.

Logen

P.S. Mandy I’ll post the meme you tagged me on another entry, on another day.

01/14/08

The Imbalance of Tears and Fears

The week leading up to my relapse was pure agony. I seem to have forgotten how I crawled out of the abyss two years ago. But with the relapse, I’m remembering some details on the arduous journey.

During this period, I was in a contemplative mood on my good days and on other days, I had spasm of fears and tears. The following reflects my thoughts in the course of recovery.

Like the thunder storms that occur as nature’s way of correcting imbalances, life is the same. Our saddest moments indicate issues unresolved lurking within our minds, awaiting corrective action.
When facing these problems, it’s good to take a proactive and contemplative approach. Through objective contemplation, we learn the causes of our distress. And with the cause known, we choose to change what we cannot accept and accept what cannot be changed.

Understanding pain, just makes it easier to let go. While paranoia happens when we don’t have all the cards on the table.

I’m determined, at this time, to let my brain lead my heart away from adversity. I shall rise from the ashes like before.

Note: In those trying moments, Harry Potter and Dumbledore were by my side (the books). This explains my sentimental feelings towards the books. Not forgetting that Dumbledore reminds me a lot of my grandfather.

Logen

01/13/08

Blog Spam Protector Acting Strangely

I’ve got a funny feeling that my spam-protector is throwing out some innocent comments. If you are one of those people, please contact me through logishblog[at]gmail[dot]com. I’d like to resolve the issue if there’s one.

Thanks.

To friends who try to reach me only to no avail, sorry. The term is hectic and you know how crazy it drives me. Though this is no excuse to neglect friendships, I can only apologise. My line is open to emergencies no matter what. In writing this, I think Harris is most well-deserving of my apology. See you soon.

Logen

01/12/08

Between Depression and Recovery

This is really a first for me. My mind fluctuates between depression and recovery. It was the same a few days ago.

All I know is I’m acting like a mentally ill person. I had a good breakdown a few hours ago, berating myself while sobbing. As predicted, I’m getting waves of paranoia and moments of terror.

It’s coming soon. I feel it. I can avert part of it but the rest might just kill me. On my side stands only one person, me. While the faceless enemy is a thousand times the stars in the sky. Maybe I’m not having the right perspective now. I don’t know.

My will is strong but the mind is greatly diminished, exhausted. I hope this will cease before desperation kicks in. Desperate people do desperate things.
Logen

01/11/08

Blinded and Silenced

A dam brimming with tears, awaiting salvation.
A shaver running against one’s eyes, dripping crimson.
A sharpened hook slices the tongue; speech suspended.

The torment of being blinded and silenced,
While hearing the wails of inmates echoing off the cold concrete.
Back within the asylum… the place I fear.

Nobody notices that I’m no longer here.
My impetus of hope now gone, what more is there to live for?

Logen

01/10/08

The Truth Is Relative and Incomplete

We sometimes forget that the laws of this world are neither black nor white. Shades of gray is still errorneous, though it leans closer towards the truth.

Where judgment is concerned, the hues of colour matter, as colours represent human emotions. And emotions are byproducts of how people intepret their incomplete truth, of which is dangerously limited by sight and hearing. As said before, the truth and reality is relative.

While the wise aren’t enslaved by absolute judgments of black and white, I, the fool, chose to react to stabbing words. I can’t blame myself really. What would you do if someone sliced open your inner scars and ran that blade up and down, carving it deeper into your flesh. I skipped logic and went straight into panic mode. It is a self-preservation thing.

I have to admit that panic-mode is the worst state of mind to be in. Your heart races, your body prepares itself for another hurtful episode and simple problems are exagerated by your mind. The deadly combination wrenches all the hope within you and eventually triggers a mental shutdown (you get a breakdown if you’re unlucky).

That said, I’ll have to be the bigger man. I have to open my eyes to the colours of the world. I resolve not to neglect reason because the truth is sometimes beyond what can be seen and heard. I do maintain that I belong elsewhere though.

Logen