If you’ve come here for something positive, I’m sorry to disappoint you; you should have known better and long given up on that. Life is far from happy. Reality is a curse. The only saving grace are my close friends who have been very supportive, even though we do not meet often.

I want to feel something other than melancholy, disappointment, boredom and stagnancy. Yet, this is all I feel. I don’t want to type a long drawn post justifying why I feel the way I do and why I am who I am. I just am and this is how I feel.

How does a fun and crazy person become risk-averse and unhappy? Life happens. Society expects people to fall into a cookie-cutter mold; to be the same, to want the same and to feel the same. Guess what… This is a place where I do not belong. This is a place where I cannot find the strength to smile. This is a place where I am just different.

I don’t know how long I can tolerate the worries and the fear of stagnating. I fear death less than losing the people I love. But this is life.

I don’t know how I’m going to make this work. And I say this with intense disappointment and sadness.

I had high expectations to enroll into Curtin University Singapore but this may not happen. Yes, I was accepted and the contract is signed, but I have yet to find the means to finance the tuition fees. Every time, I think the loan is settled, something crops up and there is some new requirement.

With the business issues and personal problems, I am finding it an uphill battle to keep myself sane. I try to sleep to escape the living nightmare but I cannot. I finally know why so many people lose their fun once they reach a few years into adulthood; life sucks it out of them. And I truly know why people have their vices… they need to cope with how fucked up life is.

And you know what? I’m damn tired.

Logen

But you don’t, do you? And you’d never know.

I saw you just now. But you didn’t know. You know nothing. And it is best left at that.

I hope you were happy. I really do.

In our desperation, we see what we want to see. But in my desperation, I see people as they are and worse; unfeeling, unemphatic and selfish hypocrites. I’ve been watching more feel-good movies and dramas just to feel some hope; to lie to myself that maybe reality isn’t that harsh and things could very well have a happy ending.

Furthermore, while I’ve been pushing away thoughts of my dead granddad, I still see the people I love dying. I get the occasional nightmare of a loved one dropping dead and end up crying in my sleep. In the past, my dreams used to be my refuge from reality, but now, even that little shred of where I might belong is fading.

My friends think I’m happy and my life is a comedy. But my life is a tragedy. My existence is what it is. In these few months, this is the closest I’ve come to wanting to die. It feels much different than the teenage depression I’ve faced.

My aunt died of breast cancer last Monday, leaving behind her husband and two daughters; one of whom is my god-sister. I wasn’t told until I booked out of the god damn military camp. Because of tradition and custom, my family most regrettably cannot attend her funeral as we are still in mourning.

I was not particularly close to this aunt of mine. But I had stayed at her house on several occasions when I was a kid. She was always pleasant.

I have not yet seen my god-sister. And I know that she isn’t taking it well. I would go ballistic if I were her.  Nothing I say will be able to bring back her mother. And no words will comfort her.

Less than a month ago, I had to watch my granddad die and now, my aunt. How many more deaths do I have to face? Asking why is fruitless. There is no one who can answer that. God doesn’t exist.

Loneliness is not a bad experience if you were lonely for most part of your life. Being alone can be a tranquil feeling. The problem occurs when you let people in and forge a genuine bond with them. Breaking the thread that entwine two hearts or more is terrible. The roaring silence and the dark empty void consumes you. You sit within the darkness and the shadows reach out, grabbing you with their cold, cold palms. You have no choice but to accept their embrace and comfort. And you join the ranks of those who no longer want to feel love and ultimately pain.

People have their vices. And they use their vices to forget; alcohol, sex, cutting, drugs and so on.

The reality of life is that we are lonely individuals who are born alone and die alone. The people who support us and love us will ultimately die off. If they don’t die, they reject you. Life is a joke and a game that you cannot win. The end result and destination is death. Hope, dreams and love allow you to last longer in the game. And the most you gain out of the game are extra fleeting moments of happiness, sadness, satisfaction, discomfort and pain.

Maybe its the extra time that matters. I don’t know…

Logen