I Don’t Know

Not much has changed, but I feel obliged to write, since it’s my birthday and I haven’t written an update in a long time.

These days, the most common words that resound in my head is “I don’t know”. And these words have a multitude of meaning. One, I don’t know what to think. Two, I don’t want to think. Three, I don’t know the wherefores of my existence because I probably won’t get to where I want to be. Four, I don’t know what you are playing at, but you don’t know how happy and miserable I feel when we talk. Five, I just don’t know…

Even with constant greetings of ‘Happy Birthday’ on social media, the one thing that is lacking is the part about being happy. One can immerse himself in a world of illusion for awhile, but the emptiness eventually catches up. What’s worse is when the melancholy hits you, and you have forgotten the wherefores of sadness because you have lied to yourself for too long.



The Invisible Obituary Along The Path

As I walked home tonight, slowing the pace in sync with the melancholy and burden within, I stepped over a page of the obituary left on the concrete path. The lady’s face and obituary post covered half the page, and she must have mattered to those whose life she touched. But the rest of the world moves on, uncaring and indifferent, evident from the many shoe marks upon the page.

Therein lies the very poetic nature of our sad reality. People die, and when they do, the world rotates without missing a beat.

We convince ourselves that we are eternal in how we live, constantly in denial of the fact that we shall meet our quietus one day. We pretend that the memories we create and share will exist till time ceases. But no… no one cares. For most, getting an obituary will be a temporary form of remembrance. Eventually , the portrait announcing your death find its way into a landfill. People forget and people move on.

On a note related to death, the lucky ones, who are ever so cheerful, take for granted the happiness they have. And the rest of us suffers from the cruelty and selfishness we inflict upon one and other. But just as happiness is temporal, so is suffering. The ultimate end is when the rented vessel (we call our body) lies in a beautifully crafted wooden box. And that box is all that it is, just a box to keep a relic of forgotten memories.

What is the point? Really, what is the point…

Some will have flashes of regret on their dying day, while others who have lived in constant agony will welcome the relief. I’m not certain that I will welcome the relief with open arms, but on some days, it beats having to feel the desperate and lonely emptiness of it all arising from this curse.


Alone on New Year’s Eve from 2012 to 2013

It’s New Year’s Eve, and here I am wired and morose from having little rest from a busy schedule. I have observed, throughout the years, that my resolution to be happy becomes increasingly elusive. And each year, I manage to isolate myself and make myself a tad more lonelier.

I am a very flawed person; an ineffective mix of stubborn ambition, unrealistic sense of time and undisciplined focus. As a result, I always seem to lack time. I have unwittingly pushed away old friends due to this perpetual loss of time. And when I finally find time a long time later, I feel too guilty to contact them. Why should they wish to meet me, when I have rejected their meetups so often.

Of the army friends I see more often, I have recently confirmed my assessment and therefore have come to terms to the prospect of letting go of a few friendships. People come, and people go. And the law of this world is the temporal nature of everything. One or two will choose to leave, others will become distant by neglecting efforts to connect, and the last few will stick with you until they leave as a result of their quietus.

That said, here are my resolutions:

  1. Be disciplined in my focus and purpose
  2. Persevere but know when to let go (or try another method)
  3. Find more time for family and friends
  4. Remember to breathe and smile
  5. Earn sufficient returns from my web investments to pay for my monthly student loan repayment
  6. Devote time to run and exercise (Need to keep in shape, regulate my moods and avoid RT. Perhaps between now and the future, I might actually become happy and want to mitigate the years that cigarettes have cut from my life.)
The unresolvable resolution…
“A person doesn’t know true hurt and suffering until they’ve felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere.” ? Rose Gordon, Her Imperfect Groom
Happy new year in advance. I’m going to take a nap before continuing my assignment.



Ineloquent Ramblings and Worries

Spent my Christmas and entire break working on my Microeconomics assignment and still have much more to complete. I need a break from this shit.

The pressure of balancing school and freelance work is horrible. I have no room to fuck up because my University education is  financed by bank loan. If I screw up in school, there will be issues with graduation date and the commencement of loan principal repayment. If I screw up work, there will be issues with repaying the monthly interest on loan.

Here’s reality. People call this responsibility and obligation. To me it’s a suffocating burden. And to you, you are understandably indifferent. This is life…


Silence Says More, in a World Filled with Noise

Nothing changes. I’m forcing out words because I know not what to say. The depth of my sadness is overwhelming. I don’t question where, but I know I don’t belong here. I see happy people and sometimes resent them. And I see people facing common problems and resent them more. That’s all I have to say.


Silence For Fear Of Loss

Silence can be both a blessing and a terrible thing. And to remain silent for fear of loss is a curse.

It’s been so long, yet I still feel strongly about you. I remember your scent. I remember your smile. I remember your kindness. I remember your idiocy and cheeky retorts. I remember your cruelty. I remember you, and the fond memories and moments.

And whatever I remember of you, I cannot let go. My ambiguity serves to confuse and mislead, so as to preserve my privacy and secrets. I want you to know this. I want you to know this… You are meant not to know for sure.

There will come a time when we become complete strangers; it would be better to let the natural law of impermanence prevail. Drifting apart is better than rejection. At least I’d know you didn’t leave by outright choice. Your seeming indifference hurts though. And my biased eyes cannot tell for sure…

I don’t want to lose you. But our ships have set sail in irreversible courses to different destinations. Be happy please. Brighten another person’s life with that smile of yours.


Apprehensive Over Managing My Business and Curtin Studies

Adjusting my sleeping habits back to normal hours have come at a cost. I feel tired all the time and have become less productive. I expect this to change though. My body has to relearn a new sleep-wake pattern and it takes time, since I’ve fucked it up in the past half a decade.

So, what’s new? I’m starting to see a pattern in my freelance business and have insights on my impediments to reaching the business’s potential. I need manpower and I need focus by the means of a daily agenda. This is even more crucial when the following week arrives, because I’m beginning my university double-major course at Curtin. I’ve got to calm myself and take things a step at a time; I’m having paralysis-by-analysis at the moment…

It’s been difficult. These days, the happiness I’m seeking is far away – invisible in this chaos and darkness. Some times, I feel content and am in the moment despite the chaos around me. But when I get my usual energy lows, doubt and worries creep in. Sad to say, I don’t have an exciting social life and my time is restricted to spending quality time with friends over dinner. Where is the excitement? In fact, excitement is far away concept to me as well. The energy to rein in my emotions when managing the business, has also rein in my love for seeking thrills.

I’m going to end here. I’ve been farting non-stop and the smell is killing me… It is needless to say where I will be going after this sentence…