Make Your Tombstone’s Dash Count

We live in a world of paradoxes and tragedies. Life is a rental of this mortal vessel that will eventually be returned back to the earth beneath our feet. That which we call a body is in the constant state of decay and repair. As time passes, we lose the ability to keep up with repairing the decay, until eventually, what is left of us is dust and bones.

Tombstone of Logen Lanka

As we advance, we forget our mortality and keep striving at the cost of what is truly important. We hold on to our stubborn values and beliefs, so much so, that we overlook and infringe the liberties and rights of other.  We struggle for the dream of a better life, and in the process trample over the dreams of the thousands of unknown and nameless people.

We live in an unfair world because we make it so. We live in misery because we are selfish for our own interests. And when we leave, we leave the mess and chaos we have created; that is our legacy, which we will not be remembered for if we are lucky.

I don’t know if I’m going to find my happiness. I don’t know if I will be stuck in student debt. I don’t know if my business will work out. I don’t know if I can find my certain someone.  Life is uncertain for all.

But I am certain that I am the god of my own destiny. I am certain that I will fight on in this struggle. I am certain that I will do my best to be immortal and leave behind a legacy worthy to be remembered for the right reasons.

I will make the tiny dash between the years on my tombstone count.


Image generated from: www.jjchandler.com/tombstone/


I Am Going To Curtin And Business Is Stabilising

My loan application to finance my University education at Curtin has been approved and I am indebted to both Siva and Shi Hui for being my guarantors. I would also like to thank both Mandy and Xing Dan, who has both offered to be my guarantor as well. Also, I appreciate the genuine concern of my fellow half-blood, JX, who had sent a long email with options on financing;  that said, he is also at Curtin and as suggested as much that my crazy presence at Curtin would bring life to the place.

Logen in the streets of Taipei

Logen in the streets of Taipei
(photographer: JX – I’d better give him credit. Although, he didn’t get me to sign model release forms :p )

Life has been hard but things are starting to work out in business. I have to still keep going on to ensure that I bring added stability to my income. With my acceptance of the job offer from my client, things will be a tad bit chaotic. When the time comes when I have to balance Uni, the business and the job, I am sure my moods will worsen. But my resolve and innate stubbornness, as ever, is intact.

How about love life? I lack one, despite having a huge liking for a certain person. Enough said.

So, let me fall back on my vices of smoking, drinking and soon enough (again), sex. I sound reckless with my life, but that is how I attempt to forget the bleakness. I will, of course, attempt to get some exercise in. But gaining weight is not a problem. With my horrendous sleeping habits, copious amount of smoking and knack to forget my meals when working, I have been told that I’m getting skinny – ‘skinny’ being a subjective term, considering I know really skinny people (one of whom thinks he is fat. Gosh…).

I intend to do several posts regarding stories of my close friends, probably starting from the people I mentioned on this post. I’d like to show some appreciation to the people in my life, instead of having melancholic and bleak posts all the time. So, watch this space.

One more thing, due to my correspondence to both clients from UK and USA, my English use has gotten slightly quirky as I have to switch from UK spelling to US spelling and vice versa. So forgive me for any inconsistencies.


Sorry To Disappoint You

If you’ve come here for something positive, I’m sorry to disappoint you; you should have known better and long given up on that. Life is far from happy. Reality is a curse. The only saving grace are my close friends who have been very supportive, even though we do not meet often.

I want to feel something other than melancholy, disappointment, boredom and stagnancy. Yet, this is all I feel. I don’t want to type a long drawn post justifying why I feel the way I do and why I am who I am. I just am and this is how I feel.

How does a fun and crazy person become risk-averse and unhappy? Life happens. Society expects people to fall into a cookie-cutter mold; to be the same, to want the same and to feel the same. Guess what… This is a place where I do not belong. This is a place where I cannot find the strength to smile. This is a place where I am just different.

I don’t know how long I can tolerate the worries and the fear of stagnating. I fear death less than losing the people I love. But this is life.


Am I Going To Curtin?

I don’t know how I’m going to make this work. And I say this with intense disappointment and sadness.

I had high expectations to enroll into Curtin University Singapore but this may not happen. Yes, I was accepted and the contract is signed, but I have yet to find the means to finance the tuition fees. Every time, I think the loan is settled, something crops up and there is some new requirement.

With the business issues and personal problems, I am finding it an uphill battle to keep myself sane. I try to sleep to escape the living nightmare but I cannot. I finally know why so many people lose their fun once they reach a few years into adulthood; life sucks it out of them. And I truly know why people have their vices… they need to cope with how fucked up life is.

And you know what? I’m damn tired.



Did You Know?

But you don’t, do you? And you’d never know.

I saw you just now. But you didn’t know. You know nothing. And it is best left at that.

I hope you were happy. I really do.


Life Is A Comedic Mess of Tragedies

In our desperation, we see what we want to see. But in my desperation, I see people as they are and worse; unfeeling, unemphatic and selfish hypocrites. I’ve been watching more feel-good movies and dramas just to feel some hope; to lie to myself that maybe reality isn’t that harsh and things could very well have a happy ending.

Furthermore, while I’ve been pushing away thoughts of my dead granddad, I still see the people I love dying. I get the occasional nightmare of a loved one dropping dead and end up crying in my sleep. In the past, my dreams used to be my refuge from reality, but now, even that little shred of where I might belong is fading.

My friends think I’m happy and my life is a comedy. But my life is a tragedy. My existence is what it is. In these few months, this is the closest I’ve come to wanting to die. It feels much different than the teenage depression I’ve faced.


Another Death Within The Month

My aunt died of breast cancer last Monday, leaving behind her husband and two daughters; one of whom is my god-sister. I wasn’t told until I booked out of the god damn military camp. Because of tradition and custom, my family most regrettably cannot attend her funeral as we are still in mourning.

I was not particularly close to this aunt of mine. But I had stayed at her house on several occasions when I was a kid. She was always pleasant.

I have not yet seen my god-sister. And I know that she isn’t taking it well. I would go ballistic if I were her.  Nothing I say will be able to bring back her mother. And no words will comfort her.

Less than a month ago, I had to watch my granddad die and now, my aunt. How many more deaths do I have to face? Asking why is fruitless. There is no one who can answer that. God doesn’t exist.

Loneliness is not a bad experience if you were lonely for most part of your life. Being alone can be a tranquil feeling. The problem occurs when you let people in and forge a genuine bond with them. Breaking the thread that entwine two hearts or more is terrible. The roaring silence and the dark empty void consumes you. You sit within the darkness and the shadows reach out, grabbing you with their cold, cold palms. You have no choice but to accept their embrace and comfort. And you join the ranks of those who no longer want to feel love and ultimately pain.

People have their vices. And they use their vices to forget; alcohol, sex, cutting, drugs and so on.

The reality of life is that we are lonely individuals who are born alone and die alone. The people who support us and love us will ultimately die off. If they don’t die, they reject you. Life is a joke and a game that you cannot win. The end result and destination is death. Hope, dreams and love allow you to last longer in the game. And the most you gain out of the game are extra fleeting moments of happiness, sadness, satisfaction, discomfort and pain.

Maybe its the extra time that matters. I don’t know…