I’m haunted by the past. Three years ago, I waged war against a friend, whom which I felt had treated me disrespectfully. I was an overly sensitive and insecure kid then. I was taunted and teased by some. However, my greatest merit was to bottle anger for years, and when the last straw came, my wrath would be overwhelmingly illogical.

This person was a close friend of mine. I had considered her a sister of sort. But I had felt I was taken for granted and I was sensitive when people teased me about my effiminacy. That she did. It hurt just too much, to know that there are things in this world you’ll never be.

On a certain day, three years later, I snapped and plotted against her. I managed to manipulate a majority of people to turn against her. It was easy as some had a tiny seed of resentment. Most of them were her close friends. I cruelly used whatever I knew, to reach my means. Did I have a conscience? I did, but we were too far in to stop.

In hope to lighten the blow, we had half the group of friends to tell her up front about breaking ties and then the other half would comfort her. Thereafter, in a few days, the other half would too abandon her. I saw her tears and my heart wrenched. In my temper I had become a monster.

In my attempt to reverse my doings, I and a few others reestablish ties with her. Though she had taken a day to consider our betrayal and then agreed to patch back, things were never the same. We drifted apart. She may have forgiven but it is something I can never forget.

Karma has made me pay. I eventually became paranoid that the same act of betrayal would happen to me. I felt extreme guilt on top of my other insecurities that it pushed me to the verge of depression.

On hindsight, things could have been different. We could have talked it out with her and tell her that we were upset. She would have listened. However, I chose the easy path in a spark of anger.

Why then am I talking about this now? Something similar happened and reminded me of what I did. Some things are better kept quiet or talked openly about.

Upon contemplation, I find that we dislike a person only because that person makes us feel unpleasant about ourselves (i.e. incompetent, stress, inferior, etc.). Ultimately, we have to make peace with ourselves.

I remember,
Logen L.