Sometimes I wonder if I had made a wise decision in choosing the same polytechnic as my secondary school friends. Then again, had I chosen another school, I’d be wondering the opposite.
Friends come and eventually leave. Others change so much that you no longer identify their face with their new character. Some just hurt you without knowing it.
It just seems that my pariah lifestyle in semester one was much more appealing compared to now. I had the freedom to do as I pleased. And my only company, myself, would never take me for granted. Though I confess that I later joined my classmates, they were much more accepting of my quirks. They entertained my crazy tendencies.
Truthfully, I don’t know what I’m stabbing at. The only thing that is sure is that I’m thoroughly upset with myself. Upset that I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable, incompetent, pathetic and not assertive. I’m tired of feeling this way… I feel so out of control. Yea, that’s it. I get stressed and act crazy when my power to control my life is diminished.
Perhaps the reason why I have no idea as to what I’m stabbing at is because I’m in denial. Denial of the fact that I may have a self-worth problem. Denial that I may want affection and respect. Never mind. Once again, I’ve taken my readers on a boring ride without explaining my thoughts.