I’m still resentful of many things that happened in the past.
I remember being compared to other kids and made to feel inferior. When I was depressed, a person whom I felt was a confidant of power was taken from me by your unfair comparison. You were both blind to the pain I went through. I drank alcohol before I went to bed, so that I may find my release. But I never did release myself from the chains.
I couldn’t spend money as I liked because we were financially impaired. I resented how other kids could buy whatever they wanted. I was naive enough to believe in a better life. Sometimes, people ask why I’m so strange. Why is my imagination so over active. My imagination made my life worth living. It represented possibilities and things I’ve yet to feel in actuality. In truth, I had rather die in my sleep, forever living in my fantasy than to wake up to a living hell.
I wanted to talk to you both. However, I can’t. I simply wasn’t good enough, was I? I felt that my only worth to family were grades.
I had felt unwanted and unloved. I feared abandonment from close friends. So much so that I had once planned to cut people off before they cut me off.
I resented being teased in school. I often hoped to be run over by a moving vehicle while I crossed the road.
Why am I even crying while typing these words? I’ve tried so hard to run away from the past, yet it is catching up with me. I have not let go of the chains I’m enslaving myself with. I’m a damaged person. I feel like a broken toy; already outgrown my usefulness… Unable to find my happiness…
Logen L.
I can relate to some parts of this post. Well dude, actually I’m kinda imaginative as well. Just that I don’t put my ideas into action.
You should put your ideas into action. Anyway, I was feeling horrible while typing the post. My state of mind is stable now.
I understand, we all get depressed sometimes. IF I DO, A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD HAVE FUNNY NAMES. woots
Some idea are not suppose to be put in action,for example u know..haha..Dun give up on hopes.I feel worse than u most of the times, yet I still survived.It’s just the darkness before sunrise.Soon u will see the sunlight.
Haha. You’ll be like a second me Eugene.
Xing Dan, I think pain is a subjective thing and has no comparison. Certain recent events triggered memories of the hell I went through long ago.
I’ve already seen the light. My past relapses of depression has taught me not to succumb to darkness. I was tired of wallowing in self pity.
The thing is, it is only human to feel the highest of ups and lowest of lows in life. It is a neverending cycle.
Sounds to me like your (or you were) looking for happiness and direction in the wrong places. You have a good start going with “the” website, and a blog. Understanding why your thinking and feeling some way is the only way to know how to stop it.
Interestingly, I did the same thing a few years back. I have a blog somewhere on the internet (and I still write all the time), and I used to make websites. And whats also strange is that you sound like you went through similar experiences that I went through.
Indeed James, I was looking for happiness in inappropriate places. I have come to understand that.
I do go through occasional melancholy when triggered. It is a part and parcel of existence. I find that beyond discovering the wherefores of my thinking, I have to take action. Thus the life list.
It’s great that we can relate to each other. I mean, the core of being human is suffering (because of dissatisfaction). And it is suffering that brings about compassion to our fellow human beings. All the best in your life. 😉