Resentful of The Past

I’m still resentful of many things that happened in the past.

I remember being compared to other kids and made to feel inferior. When I was depressed, a person whom I felt was a confidant of power was taken from me by your unfair comparison. You were both blind to the pain I went through. I drank alcohol before I went to bed, so that I may find my release. But I never did release myself from the chains.

I couldn’t spend money as I liked because we were financially impaired. I resented how other kids could buy whatever they wanted. I was naive enough to believe in a better life. Sometimes, people ask why I’m so strange. Why is my imagination so¬†over active. My imagination made my life worth living. It represented possibilities and things I’ve yet to feel in actuality. In truth, I had rather die in my sleep, forever living in my fantasy than to wake up to a living hell.

I wanted to talk to you both. However, I can’t. I simply wasn’t good enough, was I? I felt that my only worth to family were grades.

I had felt unwanted and unloved. I feared abandonment from close friends. So much so that I had once planned to cut people off before they cut me off.

I resented being teased in school. I often hoped to be run over by a moving vehicle while I crossed the road.

Why am I even crying while typing these words? I’ve tried so hard to run away from the past, yet it is catching up with me. I have not let go of the chains I’m enslaving myself with. I’m a damaged person. I feel like a broken toy; already outgrown my usefulness… Unable to find my happiness…

Logen L.