Category Archives: Confession

11/22/07

I Want To Speak My Mind

Ah, I’ve been waiting for it. Melancholia is seeping through my mind again.

Sometimes I wish I could speak my mind, but no, I must contend myself with ambiguity. I’m sick of leaving huge gaps in my words for the sake of censorship. I don’t mean censorship in terms of axing out vulgarities. Honestly, I don’t mind saying fuck, chee bye, lan jiao, lampa, mai-re pundeh and a whole host of taboo words. But the things I want to write have tremendous consequences as compared with mere vulgar words.

Tears cannot compensate for the pain I feel. I’ve numbed it for too long; I’ve floated without knowing who I was. However, I accept that I’ll have to remain behind a mask. Even after the show has ended, I must continue my wearisome act just because I’m bound by the fucking stage; like a ghost bound to his haunting spot.

It sounds like I’m giving up but I’m not. Logen is a stubborn bitch.

My own words stating that I’m the god of my own destiny still applies. But maybe I’m already too tired to journey on. I long for my demise when I lie in bed. I might just go on dreaming forevermore. Reality doesn’t really go well with me. It considers me an oddity.

Ultimately, I’m saying that I do not belong in this world. I’ve simply lost my way from home. I do not remember the place I belong because it certainly is not here.

Logen

11/20/07

Journeying through Religion

The following article talks about my take on religion.

Life’s reality is harsh, perhaps even cruel. Have you ever woken up and wondered why you have to battle through yet another routine? Although there is an obvious option to end our lives, we avoid that.

Maybe some of us continue to journey through life, hoping to find our destiny. Perhaps faith in a higher power spurs us on. And possibly, you believe that neither destiny nor god is relevant to the equation of living life.

It was at the age of 11 when I asked myself about my beliefs. At which, I found them to be an empty mirror of my parents’ (Hinduism and Budhism). Thereafter, I decided to turn to Christianity. Honestly, I was initially attracted to it because of it’s lesser requirements to go to heaven. And the Chinese Budhism idea of hell scared me a lot. I did enjoy school chapel services.

Two years later, I chose instead to become a Wiccan. I took the longest time with this decsion because Wicca wasn’t common and I still felt attached to my past religions. Wicca’s idea of harmony intrigued me immensely. Its appeal lay in the focus on nature and freedom of belief. I wasn’t bound by, what I felt were, empty rules.

Anyway, I had believed that the gods and godesses were representations of a higher power. And morality was dictated by the Wiccan tennet, which basically connotes: In everything you do, harm no one and treat all with respect. I hold this standard of morality till this day.

I discovered that one need not prescribe himself/herself to what was common and accepted. After all, religion was created by men.

The final transition was when I rediscovered Budhism. Not the one in Singapore that was fused with Chinese folklore, but the one which stuck to its ancient roots in Nepal. Its philosophy on life opened my mind to certain concepts like emptiness and the ego.

Then on, I became Agnostic. I don’t know if god exists but believe his/her existence is irrelevant to living life to the fullest. I don’t believe in destiny as preconceived. Nor do I believe in a preconceived purpose in life.

However, I do believe that we are what we make ourselves to be. We are the ultimate gods and goddesses of our fate. This is my reason for waking up daily and living life. The religion of self-empowerment.

Logen