The relativity of reality makes the concept of fairness and unfairness subjective. However, when nightmares unfold into our lives we question life’s fairness.

I do not believe in a god. Therefore, I do not question the fairness of shit happening in my life. I am my own god. Yet, being my own god has its downsides. As much as there are things I can control, there are more factors I cannot control.

It sucks. Really it does.

This doesn’t mean I’ll hand the reins of my life to some fictional being. No offense. This is just my point of view here.

Sighs…

Emptiness is form. Form is emptiness. Then why am I so concerned with form, which inherently lacks substance? Because I’m human.

Logen L.

I watched him staring blankly into the space in front of him for hours. His mind was clearly elsewhere as he couldn’t hear us talking. He was hardly himself, walking around soulessly and hopelessly. He had lost his source of income.

For the whole day, he didn’t eat. He forgot that he hadn’t eaten.

He nearly got assaulted in the morning and I was told he was too distracted to even defend himself. There was someone holding back the would-be attacker. Otherwise, I don’t know what would have happened.

I wish I could tell him to leave the finances to me. But I cannot make the sacrifices. I’m selfish… I’m cold-hearted…

I have my wants and needs that seem unfulfilled. I feel empty sometimes.

I’m at a loss. It’s affecting me. And I’m exhausted. I really need a break.

At the same time, if the source of income doesn’t come back, my intuition tells me that a man without hope will want to end his suffering. I don’t wish to face that.

Life does not suck. Being alive sucks. The living suffer while walking to their graves…

I’ll think of something. I have to. I cannot allow my family to be shattered… I will not… I must act fast… I must not falter…

Logen L.

The past week was torturous. But it was saved by the gathering with my fellow interns.

We celebrated the last month of our attachment and motivated ourselves to bear with the final month.

I shall introduce the interns. From left to right in the photo below, we have Cindy, Fiona, Yvonne, Shi Hui, Frederick, Logen (me) and Zhen Zhen.

Both Yvonne and Frederick are from the Tax Department and the rest of us from the Audit Department.

Cindy loves to pout after grumbling or talking and smiles widely whenever she sees the rest of us at the pantry. On my grumpy days, I will scold her for being so happy. And my sarcasm doesn’t work on her because she doesn’t understand it.

Fiona (aka Office Senior) is most of the time in office and knows new policies, politics and tells us the news when we’re back. She acts grumpy whenever Shi Hui and I tease her. However, she’s seems to behave like Shi Hui from time to time and parodies Shi Hui’s antics to great effect. At a point in time, we have named her Hui Shi, supposedly a second Shi Hui.

Yvonne and I go a long way. We were classmates during our Secondary School years. She is self-conscious and talks a lot when you’re alone with her.

Shi Hui (aka Outside Senior) is usually out of the office (like me) and is familiar with the technical procedures of fieldwork. She is the craziest among the interns and is also my ‘best friend’ (inside joke). Her manager mispronounces her name as Sher Hway to our amusement.

Frederick cracks random jokes to great exasperation from the group of us. And is often teased by Shi Hui.

Zhen Zhen takes a long time to respond to us whenever we’re talking. She is lost in her thought, or as Sher Hway likes to say, lost in her own world.

Within the audit interns, we have fucked up nicknames. For instance, I am ‘fuck tart’, Shi Hui is ‘fuck puff’, Fiona is ‘fuck cake’, Cindy is ‘fuck kueh’ and Zhen Zhen is ‘fuck lapis’. If you notice, all the nicknames are improvisations from pastries. This all started when Shi Hui was cursing someone at the filing department, calling him a fucktard. Her pronunciation was ‘fart tut’. Eventually, I began naming the interns these nicknames. It’s the stress…

And now, for pictures…

Everyone above is laughing because Zhen Zhen stepped on my foot when rushing to get in the picture before the timer went off. As a result, I exclaimed in pain. Zhen Zhen is the happiest there.

Now, they’re trying to push me out of the picture. The guilty ones include Office Senior (Fiona) and Outside Senior (Shi Hui).

Cindy has this habit of pouting after grumbling and at times after talking. And I have the habit of teasing her about it by imitating her.

The only two guys in the group of interns. Both of us are known for our weird/long hairstyle during the initial stages of the internship.

Logen L.

Forgive me for the delay. Here’s a tribute to Michael Jackson, of whom I was once a fan of.

Kudos to a man who embraced eccentricity. Kudos to someone who saw violence and discrimination and fought on with his music. Kudos to a devoted humanitarian.

He who comes to this world, must eventually leave. Rest in peace MJ.

To end off, here’s Michael’s contorversial music video when it first came out.

Logen L.

I haven’t had the chance to focus on ‘here and now’. On occassional weekends, I anticipate how unpleasant work days are going to be, resulting in my grumpiness.

I was pissed off to receive work-related calls and text messages after work yesterday. Is the work that bloody important to disturb me? Can it not wait till next Monday to tell me I’m needed to set up files on top of what I have to do? Fucked up…

Seven weeks remain. I can’t wait for the internship to end.

Logen L.

There are 2.5 months left before the internship ends. It’s tiring, very tiring. Try as I might, I find it difficult to run my web developments in conjunction with the unfufilling internship. 

I hold no passion for auditing and accounting. It is a waste of my time and productivity.

My passion, instead, would be starting my own business, running it, and eventually relying on investments for my income. Some people who hear my aspiration believe that I am naive. They assume that I don’t know about the capital needed to start a business. They assume I know nothing about market research. They assume that in order to succeed in life, one has to work like a dog for a company…

I say, live and let live. I shall allow you to live your life as a dog, while you leave me to my aspirations. Do you know I have been establishing my business in the past years out of trial and error. I’ve pumped in at least a thousand dollar in capital; yes, not all businesses require you to spend $50K during the starting phase.

Out of the trial and error, it seems a quarter of the money has found a target industry that is profitable, with minimal work done. 

I have never implied that starting a business was easy. I’m fully aware of the ins and outs. I have experienced the horror of losing money more than earning it. But it has gained me some fruit eventually. Do not make assumptions about me, especially when you know so little. 

P.S. Upon re-reading my post, it seems I’m feeling grumpy again. Oh well…

Logen L.

Though without certainty, I can tell that I have had a minor relapse of depression for some time. I’ve been tempermental with my parents and sister, snapping at them and grumbling like an old man. My mind has been drifting unpredictably into apathy, anxiety, pain, sometimes calmness and clarity. 

Just now, I walked back home, mumbling and singing to myself. The frame of mind that possessed me was tranquil and yet, I could feel my mind shielding myself from my senses. I had no desire to see the world as it is. I’m going back to my old world. The world I created. 

At least, unlike the last time, I’m sitting on my chair calmly typing out my thoughts as it is. Neither paranoia nor worry is within my head. If it comes, I shall allow it to come and observe it. Nothing lasts forever. I’m taking a step at a time.

There’s no need to worry about me. I have faced worse. What I’m feeling now… It’s nothing.

Logen L.