It was refreshing to meet a close friend, whom I’ve not seen for a year, still sharing similar viewpoints on life. To be able to connect so well after the time gap is amazing. And I realise, the mark of wisdom is when someone allows their mind to consider the limitless possibilities, rather than rigidly generalise situations based on ‘common knowledge’.

Anyway, I was on MC today (Friday). The doctor told me that the cause of my daily migraines and disturbed sleep was stress-induced. My blood presure was slightly high and she gave me anxiety pills to improve the quality of my sleep.

I’m tired of the attachment. It is mind-numbing, boring and crazy. And when I think about this, it leads me to wonder… Will I survive the mandatory 2 years of being enslaved by the establishment…

Life is the rental of our body and mind. When the rent expires, we cease to exist. The law of impermance, cause and effect, and emptiness.

Thanks Ais and Bala for the meet. And I’m thankful to my fellow villagers for celebrating my birthday. 

Logen L.

These days I notice myself blogging more about my desire for tranquility and happiness. I feel uncomfortable when forced to talk to family, friends and relatives about my plans for the future. Everyone wants to hear that I want a regular job, a girlfriend, a university degree, a wife and to work myself soullessly to my demise.

For fuck’s sake, I’m not made out of a factory assembly line!

I don’t want a 9 to 5  job. I don’t want to work for money. I don’t need a wife. And I certainly don’t need people to tell me what I want and don’t want in my life…

I’m tired of donning a mask just to please people. Yet again, this mask I wear is for my convenience. I have no desire of having a long drawn conversation, in which the other party explains why my plans are naive, stupid or impossible. It does not serve my motives to allow someone to crush my dreams.

It feels good to be alone sometimes. The silence can both be paradoxically beautiful and terrifying in an instance.

Logen L.

I suffered from a mental and emotional breakdown yesterday after work. My entire face was burning hot, whilst I stormed towards the train station. Inside the MRT cabin, my entire body shook with rage.

I contacted my liason officer, who knew I was under a lot of pressure. Without planning it, I could barely talk to her when she answered. I broke down crying. I’m rather thankful for advice.

Having decided to take the day off, I’m rearranging my perspective and strengthening my state of mind. Nearly 2 months have passed, 4 months left.

Logen

edited on 7 May 2009

I’m waiting for the internship to end. I repeat this line of words to myself everyday.

Anger has not served my purpose. Insanity has nearly wrecked the persona I portray at work. I’m trying hard to be calm. It isn’t easy. I cannot let go of the craziness. I cannot… But I must.

Logen L.

The internship has robbed me of some time and sanity.

It is apparent that I want to have a calm state of mind. A mind so tranquil that it doesn’t go crazy when 9 small issues and 1 huge problem crops up at the same time.

In the last week, I took the first step and asserted to my colleagues the importance of Aikido to me. I’ve been going to classes regularly since then and have recently been awarded Blue belt. Somehow, Aikido allows me to focus on the opponent with a relaxed attitude and execute the techniques.

Today, I resumed my jogging routine. This step was crucial to ensure I was back on track towards my goal and things were becoming stable.

Aside from those two things which form my normal routine, I aim to meditate on emptiness more often. To detach from the ego and truly see the emptiness of form. Tomorrow, I shall try out Tai Chi at home. Once I’m more familiar with it, I might join the oldies downstairs to do Tai Chi every Sunday morning.

What do I want from life? What do I seek?

I want to be contented and relaxed. I want a certain someone. I want to be financially stable through starting or buying over a business or even investing in property. I want to be mentally ready to die when my time comes, whether it is tomorrow, next year, next decade or whatever. Life is unpredictable and fear is a hindrance.

Logen L.

I want to seek my happiness in some foreign land. Somewhere where no one knows me.

It is the freedom to engage in my senses and follow my instincts unabashedly that lures me away from here. Here is the world of convention. Eccentricity is looked upon as a disease. People gossip as if they are perfect. In actual fact, they are diseased with fear.

They fear to become what they gossip about. They live in fear and carry the donkey across the narrow bridge just to please society. They complain that life is unfair, when they are contributing to the unfairness in another person’s life.

Where is compassion and understanding? Tell me.

Logen L.

Since the internship began, I’ve been thinking a lot about work and life. I fear what the future entails.

Will I be the majority who devote all their time to work, just to earn money they don’t have time to spend. Will I trade my soul and happiness, just to earn that extra buck which I believe can buy me happiness.

From my first week as an audit intern, I see the stresses of working in one of the Big 4, especially during the peak period. Work-life balance is non-existent. Your life is your work.

I believe that we work to sustain our life. And we live life in want of happiness. There is no doubt in my mind that I’d choose a low paying job, so long as it keeps me happy.

I want to do something fulfilling. I want to have the little moments for some breathing space and to enjoy living within the moment. Unfortunately, most jobs in the finance sector do not allow for such necessities.

It falls on me to take action now. To build up a business from scratch…

Logen L.