Pain and Comfort

I was chatting with a friend earlier and we came upon certain things. These things reminded me of the past and helped form valuable insights.

In talking about choices that affect the future, this friend had indicated he was afraid of history repeating. I remembered my own fear of my past and the fear of another friend. It was then I realised everyone has this universal fear of their past hurts and desire to escape it.

This hurt is very much like a burn caused by fire, resulting in the victims avoidance of fire. However it is much deeper and potent at consuming the mind. Deeper, because it is the cruel kind of pain entwined with the victim’s helplessness, which leads him to believe himself to be inferior.

It is the kind of pain that robs a person of his hope, strength and purpose to live on his life. Eventually, the pain may die off but it leaves a ghost that enslaves its victim into a vicious cycle. At the hint of history repeating itself, the heart races, the head pounds and the breath becomes short.

On the same wavelength, I identified another piece of insight while talking to this friend. As human beings, we reach out from within our sorrows and desperation, hoping to find a person who would understand.

Just knowing that you’re understood, makes a difference. It indicates you’re not alone in your suffering and, that someone who understands you has acknowledged your worth. But many times, we isolate ourselves, and never allow the world to assuage the hurt and to understand. In this sense, we are all similar.

I know this because, I myself have many times felt myself scratching desperately at the walls of the abyss, trying to crawl out. And in my heart, I just want someone to believe in me, to witness my tears and acknowledge that I’m not disposable. However, my ego despises being pitied at, because some people confuse support and pity.

It is this understanding that calls forth compassion. It is when I see myself in the person suffering that I cannot just watch without helping.



Between Depression and Recovery

This is really a first for me. My mind fluctuates between depression and recovery. It was the same a few days ago.

All I know is I’m acting like a mentally ill person. I had a good breakdown a few hours ago, berating myself while sobbing. As predicted, I’m getting waves of paranoia and moments of terror.

It’s coming soon. I feel it. I can avert part of it but the rest might just kill me. On my side stands only one person, me. While the faceless enemy is a thousand times the stars in the sky. Maybe I’m not having the right perspective now. I don’t know.

My will is strong but the mind is greatly diminished, exhausted. I hope this will cease before desperation kicks in. Desperate people do desperate things.