Compared to last semester, I’d say this semester is less tense. I’m more relaxed and yet there’s this feeling of emptiness. It’s like losing a loved-one but no matter how hard you try, you can’t remember who he or she is.
Speaking of which, my uncle, whom I shared a bare but profound connection with, died last Thursday. Killed by a heart-attack, they say. No doubt, I felt the loss. It even reminded me of my grandfather’s death.
The chinese funeral procession, which I attended was no comfort. It made my heart wrench when I saw my cousin sobbing.
The unfamiliarity of the rites made me feel melancholic. Within hours I was bored. I ended up laughing at the priest. It’s very much like the caveman story: Two cavemen were ready to fight each other. Then to disperse the tension, one laughed it off and the other one eventually laughed too. Laughter doesn’t necessarily mean something is funny. It can happen when someone feels threatened by an unfamiliar situation.
I felt sick when I saw my uncle lying within the coffin. My aunt was immensely brave not to have cried.
This recent death, reminds me of the impermanence of life. It reminds me that funerals are more important for the living than the dead. The dead is just dead, while the living grieves painfully for the dead.
One day, we ourselves will fade. We may leave a legacy but ultimately, the question is: Will our deeds be remembered?
Rest in peace, yi zhang(uncle). I remember your deeds.