This is really a first for me. My mind fluctuates between depression and recovery. It was the same a few days ago.
All I know is I’m acting like a mentally ill person. I had a good breakdown a few hours ago, berating myself while sobbing. As predicted, I’m getting waves of paranoia and moments of terror.
It’s coming soon. I feel it. I can avert part of it but the rest might just kill me. On my side stands only one person, me. While the faceless enemy is a thousand times the stars in the sky. Maybe I’m not having the right perspective now. I don’t know.
My will is strong but the mind is greatly diminished, exhausted. I hope this will cease before desperation kicks in. Desperate people do desperate things.
Logen
i hate breakdowns. it only shows that something is making u deeply unhappy and u can’t manifest it in any other way until it overflows.but then, i guess it only goes to show just how insignificant we are to the gods’ eyes, but dun do this to yourself. and by the way, u were never a failure to me and many others.if u ever face another bout of paranoia again, just find your best fren, and talk to him/her. i can’t promise instant success, but it helps .
The frustrating thing is that I do have an inkling of what is troubling me. However due to my need of secrecy and privacy, I don’t get the chance to work them out. Yep, I drove the craziness inwards, only to let it explode and overflow.
Thanks Champa. And about the best friend part. I had best friends in the past. But over the years, I’ve decided to shed the ‘best friend’ concept together with naiveness. Sorry that I sound so bitter.
I appreciate your help. 🙂