Being in camp for 5.5 days straight each week has taught me a lot about myself. One, I have an anxiety issue  and lack confidence when it comes to learning and executing drills (or anything that requires coordination). Two, I allow people to step all over me because I believe I should always be nice. Three, I have constant anxiety over upcoming events.

Frankly speaking, I have no idea how I will get through the next 20 months of military life. However, I know for sure that I have got to step out of my safe zone and return to my noisy self. I must not allow people to step all over me.

I am exhausted; honestly fatigued from the insane regimented schedule that provides for less than 7 hours of sleep and lack of expressive output.

Hopefully, when I receive my posting, things will become better. Until then, I remain doubtful. I will be flying off alone to Thailand after graduating from Basic Military Training to rest, reflect, relax and recharge. I want to decide on my course of action and perhaps do some domaining business there and write some short stories at the cafe.

Note: I am graduating from Basic Military School on October 2nd.

Logen L.

There is no doubt that my heart is still filled with gloom and negativity. But upon reflection, part of this melancholy is my doing. I feel out casted on the military island; but I realise that I didn’t put extreme effort to exert my personality to my army mates. I was withdrawn from the sad reality before me.

The loss of Aikido in my routine has removed certain anchors of tranquility.

Also, for being my quiet and yet flamboyant self, I am teased for being effeminate. I do not like to be taken back into the past where the same steely knife cuts into the very scars in my heart.

Yet, I feel thankful for possessing foresight to write a book of insights, which was meant to be read when I forget myself during the darkest of times. Reading that book reminded me of who I once was, why I was who I was and who I wanted to be.

I now await with impatience for the day I graduate from basic military school. Hopefully I get posted into a unit where I am able to return to Aikido and have the time to reflect on life.

Logen

Upon enlisting into the army, I find less and less time for myself, my family and my friends. For the sake of adapting, I’ve ignored the fact that time no longer belongs to me. I’ve also been fooling myself to believe that the army is a choice I’ve made rather than a circumstance foisted onto my shoulders.

I feel exhausted, like I’ve never been before. Even then, I try not to complain. My motto is to do my best for situations that are salvageable and remain calm if the situation is unchangeable.

I now realise that in the army, the question to be asked was never: “How am I to survive this?”. The key to surviving unpleasant circumstances is to shut off the thought process, go with the flow of the training program and take a step at a time.

There is bound to be negativity associated with each step of the training, but forget and let go off the negative experience; take each step as a completely new journey. That way, time doesn’t feel prolonged. Before you know it, days, weeks or even months have passed.