Category Archives: Confession

01/1/08

An Ironic New Begining

It seems that I’m going through a miserable new year. An ironic beginning, some might say. However, the continuation of an incomplete school semester can hardly count as a new beginning.

I’ve been unproductive during the past weeks and have yet to know the cost of my inaction. Projects and revision lagging behind.

In all honesty, I’ve lost the drive possessed during the first semester. My primary objective then was to keep my mind organised. To allow for it to assimilate info quickly and prove to myself that it can be done. And if school stuff helped in the process, good.

I’ve proved it, albeit my 3.5 GPA. The 0.5 gone can be attributed to me not handing up an assignment, missing a graded quiz and focusing too much on certain modules.

Anyway, the issues I face now is inaction (procrastination) and a stubborn heart. Say no more about the stubborn slut; I mean heart.

Well, I hope everyone else is having a better new year. In being a true blue money-faced Singaporean, may 2008 be prosperous. Screw the increase in GST.

I see a crash in the ang pow market!

Logen

12/31/07

The Veil Between 2007 and 2008

In a few hours, we shall move through the veil that separates years 2007 and 2008. Not unlike Christmas, the ushering of the new year has little significance this year. I feel especially lonely as others celebrate their friendships and relations.

People are strange. The way we view time. Why wait for a new year to resolve for change? Because everyone else is doing the same? Never mind.

For the year 2008, I resolve to procrastinate less, be calmer and more introspective and be less fearful of writing blatantly honest blog entries. I have got to up my writing standards.

Logen

12/30/07

Drifting Aimlessly Into The New Year

As the new year approach, I knowingly drift without aim. My mind is blank as to what I seek in life.

Perhaps I do know my goals, but sadly, I’ve forgotten them. Life is strange in this way. You get so distracted by your desires and hurts that you no longer remember to live life.

Even now, I struggle with this entry. Though, I have a topic at which I target, I cannot identify this topic. My mind is too lethargic to be insightful.

All I know is, over these few days, I need to regain my presence of mind. I’ve got to seek my direction without aid of a map. And so, my search for myself begins, once again.

Logen

12/29/07

The Legend of Memories

I went somewhere. The place filled with old memories of boyhood. And there I saw, from the third person’s view, of my replay of reminiscences.

Though I cannot turn time, the tingly feeling of nostalgia affirms that what has happened really happened. I am so afraid of forgetting this feeling. Memories without feeling are like legends; things that may have happened but quite unbelievable.

The new year approaches and I’m starting to look back. The past has given me strength and in return I have sacrificed my naiveness. In this life of impermanence, let us live more.

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year.

Logen

11/30/07

What Am I Worth?

Sometimes I wonder if I had made a wise decision in choosing the same polytechnic as my secondary school friends. Then again, had I chosen another school, I’d be wondering the opposite.

Friends come and eventually leave. Others change so much that you no longer identify their face with their new character. Some just hurt you without knowing it.

Up Is Down

It just seems that my pariah lifestyle in semester one was much more appealing compared to now. I had the freedom  to do as I pleased. And my only company, myself, would never take me for granted. Though I confess that I later joined my classmates, they were much more accepting of my quirks. They entertained my crazy tendencies.

Truthfully, I don’t know what I’m stabbing at. The only thing that is sure is that I’m thoroughly upset with myself. Upset that I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable, incompetent, pathetic and not assertive. I’m tired of feeling this way… I feel so out of control. Yea, that’s it. I get stressed and act crazy when my power to control my life is diminished.

Perhaps the reason why I have no idea as to what I’m stabbing at is because I’m in denial. Denial of the fact that I may have a self-worth problem. Denial that I may want affection and respect. Never mind. Once again, I’ve taken my readers on a boring ride without explaining my thoughts.

Logen L.

11/29/07

Me, A Sissy Freak

On my journey to death, I try to conform to conformity. Though I know not how, I tried my hardest. Still I failed. My hope is waning. What can I do for society’s acceptance. Perhaps soon I’ll reach my destination. Then conformity will no longer be an issue.

It just hurts to be effeminate. It’s just like never finding a part of yourself. Your identity as male person. As much as I hate to talk about this issue, lets be honest, people know and people tease. I remember being called unpleasant things by people I didn’t even know, during my secondary school days.

I attempted to change countless of time, but failed. I hate to keep searching for this part of my identity because it never manifest itself. The tauntings just worsens it. It makes me feel inferior and incompetent.

I sense a similar pattern here in poly. I’m not paranoid. Maybe I should just dress up like a freak. At least they would laugh at my dressing than at me.

In all honesty, I love being eccentric but not in the effeminate way. Never mind. I just feel this empty part of me growing. Life’s a bitch. But people are bitchier…

Logen

P.S. I am not against effeminate people. It’s just difficult if you know what I mean.

11/28/07

We hate someone for how they make us feel

I’m haunted by the past. Three years ago, I waged war against a friend, whom which I felt had treated me disrespectfully. I was an overly sensitive and insecure kid then. I was taunted and teased by some. However, my greatest merit was to bottle anger for years, and when the last straw came, my wrath would be overwhelmingly illogical.

This person was a close friend of mine. I had considered her a sister of sort. But I had felt I was taken for granted and I was sensitive when people teased me about my effiminacy. That she did. It hurt just too much, to know that there are things in this world you’ll never be.

On a certain day, three years later, I snapped and plotted against her. I managed to manipulate a majority of people to turn against her. It was easy as some had a tiny seed of resentment. Most of them were her close friends. I cruelly used whatever I knew, to reach my means. Did I have a conscience? I did, but we were too far in to stop.

In hope to lighten the blow, we had half the group of friends to tell her up front about breaking ties and then the other half would comfort her. Thereafter, in a few days, the other half would too abandon her. I saw her tears and my heart wrenched. In my temper I had become a monster.

In my attempt to reverse my doings, I and a few others reestablish ties with her. Though she had taken a day to consider our betrayal and then agreed to patch back, things were never the same. We drifted apart. She may have forgiven but it is something I can never forget.

Karma has made me pay. I eventually became paranoid that the same act of betrayal would happen to me. I felt extreme guilt on top of my other insecurities that it pushed me to the verge of depression.

On hindsight, things could have been different. We could have talked it out with her and tell her that we were upset. She would have listened. However, I chose the easy path in a spark of anger.

Why then am I talking about this now? Something similar happened and reminded me of what I did. Some things are better kept quiet or talked openly about.

Upon contemplation, I find that we dislike a person only because that person makes us feel unpleasant about ourselves (i.e. incompetent, stress, inferior, etc.). Ultimately, we have to make peace with ourselves.

I remember,
Logen L.