Sinking Into The Abyss

I’m cracking. It hurts. The fear and paranoia is returning, slowly.

I cannot withstand battling against multiple triggers at one time. And this time, there were more than a multiple.

My mind is in a whirl, so much so that I no longer know why I’m sad. The more I ask myself why, the faster my thoughts race. I can no longer catch up with their pace.

Teach me how not to feel pain when people attack the core of your existence. Tell me why am I unwanted. Why can’t I have the taste of normalcy.

Am I born into the wrong world? A conventional person can relate to the ideas of common people. While me… I don’t know.

I don’t want to sink back into the dark abyss of guilt and sorrow. I was stuck in there for over 2 years last time. It was as if I was looking at reality from behind a veil that was trying to suffocate me.

The emptiness is heavy. Someone in the abyss is grabbing my ankle and pulling me under.

It’s coming back. It hurts, and I now find it hard to breathe. I don’t want to sink into the days when I was numb…

Logen L.


My Intepretation of Depression

I’ve spoken about depression in my last few entries. Before my words are misconstrued, here is my intepretation of what depression essentially entails. Depression is an overwhelming sense of anger, despair, or sadness that persists for over two weeks. It has the power to destroy a person’s sense of being and personality.

On this basis, from Secondary 3 onwards, I had an onslaught of despair and sadness, lasting for up to six months. It ceased for several weeks before repeating itself. Despite small relapses, I recovered between the end of 2006 and start of 2007. These relapses are seldom as acute, but if I get paranoid about them being permanent, it become agony.

Thusfar, I’ve avoided talking about my triggers. I’m afraid to be judged for them and admit myself to be oversensitive. Those triggers have a life of their own. It’s not unlike looking at an old photo and having a video montage of happy memories replaying in your mind. Contrary to happiness, those memories cause me misery.

Enough said. I’ve exhausted my braincells and my body is aching for sleep. To my ever-so-silent readers, do give me feedback on what you like and dislike about my site. Suggest topics that you’d be interested to read about.

Good night.


P.S. Mandy I’ll post the meme you tagged me on another entry, on another day.