Logish Paradox

Reflection of The Last Month of 2008

This will be the last entry for year 2008 and I wish everyone a happy new year. I will be away tomorrow for a chalet and barbeque party.

On another note, I started out the school vacation with hefty goals. Some of these goals, I have selectively neglected in order to focus on other seemingly important goals. It pains me to say my focus on ‘important’ goals is my excuse for procrastination.

I have, for the past week, focused on developing my domain names to gain traffic, and consequently earn the US$10 by year-end. I will likely fail. For the first week, I was more productive in tackling the goals of being more confident and having better fitness. By the third week, motivation has dwindled.

However, let me acknowledge my efforts. I now know that with constant training, it is much easier to complete 2.4km jog at a faster pace. I now know that by shutting out the negative voices, I can struggle doing unsuccessful pull ups for 15 times in front of other users of the fitness corner without fear of being judged. I now know that I can be decisive and firm in my decisions without fear of being disliked. I now know that changing the way I breathe can influence an onset of emotions, just as an onset of emotions can influence breathing.

My job is half done. I simply have to kill certain habits and learn new ones to exude confidence and be a fitter person. Some things I have yet to practice: be assertive, walk without dragging my feet and stop procrastinating out of fear.

Allow me now to move on to the last stage of confidence; appearance. I was told that I looked sloppy in terms of dressing sometimes. I agree. And I neglect the growth of my hair even more. I agree as well.

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I’ll definitely strive to look less sloppy. But I won’t give up on my anime hairstyle fetishes and my eccentric choices in clothing.

So, whose hairstyle to choose: Uchiha Madara (or Sasuke) or Yondaime Hokage? My hair still isn’t long enough… and I can’t seem to forget that bloody hair dresser who butchered my long hair.

Chants mantra: don’t forgive but forget… don’t forgive but forget… don’t forgive but forget

Logen L.

Terrible Roach Phobia

Nearly an hour ago, I’ve been frightened nearly to death. While I was using the laptop, something flew past my head. Immediately recognising the sound to belong to a cockroach, I let out a horrible scream and dashed out of the room.

My mum and sis came out of the room, and asked for the source of commotion. I told them, “There’s a kazua (cockroach) in my room!”. I ran into the kitchen arming myself with two cans of bug sprays.

Standing at the door to my room, I looked around and began spraying furiously, not knowing where the cockroach was. Suddenly, that big bugger scurried across the room to under my bed, making me yell twice. My mum and sis who were standing behind me jumped.

After many more screaming and yelling and spraying, the cockroach lay almost dead. I used a stick to shift it out from under the bed and it began kicking. I let out some more screams, ran out of the room and laughed at myself while crying. I reentered the room and used Baygon to spray on its legs till it kicked less vigorously.

Right now, I can’t stop looking around my room to check for anymore roaches. I’m scared out of my wits man…

Both my legs are conveniently positioned so that I can run again. My ears are extra sensitive to ticking noises that cockroaches make when twitching their feelers. And when I used the bathroom, I sprayed Baygon into it.

Maybe I  should focus on eliminating this fear for now. After all, I’m bound to meet these flying demons during NS.

Logen L.

Working On Confidence

On the night before Christmas, I met up with Harris to talk. Eventually during the wee hours of the morning, I asked him for an honest impression of the image I portray. I wanted to know if there was something I did not already know about myself.

Of the image, I told him to break it into the categories of appearance, verbal image and behaviour (body language-wise).

This was what I learnt that was new.

When with a group of friends who are conversing, I appear generally confident, though quiet. I portray an indifferent, cavalier (can’t-be-bothered) attitude. He rightly surmised that I wasn’t keen in joining the conversation because my interests varied from the group.

However, when I walk, he says that I drag my feet and attempt to hide my ass by adjusting my body posture. It reveals my lack of confidence. What’s new here is the info about me dragging my feet while walking.

In terms of my speaking voice, I talk so softly that I tend to lean in closer to the person to make myself heard.

Finally, when speaking of my appearance, he generalised that my dress-sense is sometimes sloppy.

The feedback was invaluable as it gave me insights about how I appear to others. And it does give indications on my subconscious concerns.

Other than the feedback, I realised confidence comprises the ability to stand up for your rights. After all, confidence is doing what you want, when you want to, uninhibited by judgment. This freedom of action must come hand-in-hand with being assertive.

Oh well. Merry Christmas. The last 2 minutes before its over in Singapore.

Logen L.

Five Goals For My Holidays

The common tests are over. Now comes the three-weeks vacation.

More than ever, I’m determined to work on these things as part of my life list.

1. Be more confident
2. Write one short story
3. Have better fitness and stamina
4. Complete an art piece for Deviant Art
5. Earn US$10 by year-end with my passive web investments

Be more confident

The past weeks, I observed myself closely for indications of what my confidence level could be. I found a link between my confidence and fitness level.

Whenever I walk, I’ll make sure to pull my shirt lower to cover my huge behind and try to suck in my tummy. The problem is, I do this every few minutes that it looks so strange. Because I’m so concerned about the tummy and the ass, I end up walking awkwardly. This usually happens when I’m surrounded by people I don’t know, or don’t know well.

I’ll be taking a two-pronged approach towards arriving at this goal. There can be no doubt that I have to work on my level of confidence directly. However, I will have to eliminate the obstacle of being unfit as well.

Write one short story

It’s been 2 years and I have yet to write a short story. My procrastination in this goal is psychological. I have nothing to fear from writing a short story, yet I fear many things. What if I have only these few ideas within my head? What if I really suck at writing?

Then again, I’ve proven to myself that these concerns are barely possible. I constantly have weird and morbid dreams to supply me with ideas. And since secondary school, I have been praised for my writing style by some friends and the teacher.

Have better fitness and stamina

The implication of being fitter and having more stamina is multi fold. Not only will this allow me to be more confident, achieving this goal will prepare me for the two years of NS (National Service).

I’m planning to steadily build up my stamina and fitness, and have begun doing so this morning.

Complete an art piece for Deviant Art

I have never liked what the school defined as art. They restrict and coerce you to do ‘art’ in the way they deem fit.

Art to me is freedom to express your perception of the world. While I’m no Picasso, I want to feel this freedom to express me and upload it on Deviant Art.

Earn US$10 by year-end with my passive web investments

Thus far, I’ve stopped selling my stock of domain names on Ebay. Instead, I’d like to focus on earning passive income from certain web developments I own. US$10 may not seem a lot. But in this recession coupled with my lack of experience, it will be an achievement.

Logen L.