Knowing More About Myself
Being in camp for 5.5 days straight each week has taught me a lot about myself. One, I have an anxiety issue and lack confidence when it comes to learning and executing drills (or anything that requires coordination). Two, I allow people to step all over me because I believe I should always be nice. Three, I have constant anxiety over upcoming events. Frankly speaking, I have no idea how I will get through the next 20 months of military life. However, I know for sure that I have got to step out of my safe zone and return to my noisy self. I must not allow people to step all over me. I am exhausted; honestly fatigued from the insane regimented schedule that provides for less than 7 hours of sleep and lack of expressive output. Hopefully, when I receive my...
Destiny Is Created By Pain
There is no doubt that my heart is still filled with gloom and negativity. But upon reflection, part of this melancholy is my doing. I feel out casted on the military island; but I realise that I didn’t put extreme effort to exert my personality to my army mates. I was withdrawn from the sad reality before me. The loss of Aikido in my routine has removed certain anchors of tranquility. Also, for being my quiet and yet flamboyant self, I am teased for being effeminate. I do not like to be taken back into the past where the same steely knife cuts into the very scars in my heart. Yet, I feel thankful for possessing foresight to write a book of insights, which was meant to be read when I forget myself during the darkest of times. Reading that book reminded me...
Being A Soldier, No Longer A Civilian
Upon enlisting into the army, I find less and less time for myself, my family and my friends. For the sake of adapting, I’ve ignored the fact that time no longer belongs to me. I’ve also been fooling myself to believe that the army is a choice I’ve made rather than a circumstance foisted onto my shoulders. I feel exhausted, like I’ve never been before. Even then, I try not to complain. My motto is to do my best for situations that are salvageable and remain calm if the situation is unchangeable. I now realise that in the army, the question to be asked was never: “How am I to survive this?”. The key to surviving unpleasant circumstances is to shut off the thought process, go with the flow of the training program and take a step...
Melancholic Partying For Two Nights
I spent Friday and Saturday clubbing at Supperclub and Rebel respectively. Just last week, I’ve graduated with a diploma in Accountancy and I’ve received an amended enlistment letter that shortened my conscription time. Despite the many reasons to be glad, melancholy and gloom has seeped into the cracks of my soul. More than ever, I’ve contemplated the definition of happiness and how societal expectations robs me of my free will as an individual. I’m not a bad person, but I’ll be forced to do unthinkable things. It kills me to know that the choices presented to me will end up hurting someone. I realised that as you grow older, especially as a guy, it becomes difficult to cry. This doesn’t refer only to the facade of machismo...
Enlisting Into The Ninja Military
I believe my internship experience has opened my eyes to the shit that people do (office politics and utterly stupid behaviour). Will NS (national service) be similar and worse? Let me cross my fingers and teach myself to master my temper. I’ve had an apprehensive week, which was triggered by the news of my friends’ military enlistment letters. I hadn’t received mine and prefer to enjoy a longer break. However, during the dawn of Sunday when I was preparing for bed, my dad handed me the much dreaded letter. Upon thinking back, what happened next was surprising; I felt a sudden surge of anxiety but almost immediately I became completely calm and managed to emotionally-detached myself from the situation. I slowly tore the perforated sections of the...
The Paradox of God and the Devil
“Religion is a lie God is a fairy tale character The devil is mere representation of… human fear” My melancholy subconsciously prodded me into making the above sketch. It clearly reflects my thoughts on religion, god and the devil, while my lecturer was conducting the audit tutorial class. I may upload more sketches I’ve made in time to come. I have a habit of doodling on my notes (especially during lectures). I must say though, I’ve completed my course and am awaiting the graduation ceremony. No more opportunity to doodle. Logen...
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