Logish Paradox

The Essence of Hate and Compassion

Time and again, adversity has taught me to have compassion for another human being’s pain. Ignorance is the cause for all of the world’s problems. People live within their selective reality, seeing the world as how they want to see it. They dehumanise and disrespect fellow human beings and justify their fears by imposing selective reality on their victims.

At a time when my mind was purer, I would tell you to react to their actions with compassion. But my world has been and continues to be oppressed by these people. For which they oppressed, I cursed them to die. I hated them.

My mind had become unstable and I lost clarity in my thoughts. How can one be sane when his sense of self is clinging onto a thread, so close to death? Finally, I experienced the essence of hate and truly understood why people can be driven to hate and commit acts of violence.

When you crush a person’s hopes and dreams of creating their happiness in all entirety, it is as good as murdering this person. After all, when a person dies, he gives up his past, present and future.

You can be as certain as fucking hell, this person will fight for his life. Amidst the darkness, where he sees no light nor compassion, the person will turn to ignorance and paranoia. And this will sire hate. No one wants to hate. It is only out of desperation and desire to survive that he hates to motivate himself to live.

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With the little clarity I’ve regained today, I’m relinquishing the hate I cling on to. Hate has a price. You poison your soul with perpetual pain by clinging on to hate. And by clinging on to hate, I’m as guilty for ignorance as the people who victimised me.

I now sincerely believe that compassion can bring about change and peace. Compassion allows us to see the human inside everyone, even within the monsters who are ignorant. It reminds us that even the worst human being has some good within them. And compassion has always been associated with the divine. I mean, do you attest that compassion, towards someone who intends to murder your existence, is an easy thing to do?

Logen L.

Nightmares About Life

I had a nightmare two days ago. It was a representation of my worries and what may happen. I cannot get over it. It feels so real that I seem to have distanced myself from my loved ones.

What I need is a listening ear. I need to process my thoughts or risk losing my sense of identity. It is this that is causing so much pain. It is okay for people to insult you. But can you imagine if that insult attacks the very root of your existence?You begin to doubt yourself, and slowly your sense of self dies away.

The worse part is when this sense of self tries to fight for its life. It is fucking painful… Because no matter how much my sense of self is fighting, it is drowning. The desperation of the sense of self will cause you to hate the perpetrators. And when that hate takes root, the sense of self clings on to hate. Because hate has and will allow it to continue its existence.

The thing with hate is… you must always hate…

Logen L.

Tears of Crimson Red

I’m forced by society to see with eyes tainted by my blood.
It drips down, crimson red; I can’t help but focus on the pain.

Yet again, I have killed myself; the agony prolonged by fear of death.
From the corpse within the abyss of cold, I am reborn.
The old self has too much hate to recover; it demands a blood debt.

The shadows await the new god’s demise;
Will they succeed in dragging him down at the next turn in tide…

Logen L.

The Voice of Equality In The Face of Prejudice

Disclaimer: The text here is merely my opinion. It may or may not represent the true nature of things. This disclaimer serves to protect me from repercussions if you wish to rely on my views. On no account should I be held responsible.

The module WISP (World Issues, Singapore Perspective), is presently covering discrimination and prejudices in a Singapore perspective. I’ve kept silent on my views for the past 1 and a half years, because I have lost hope on this country. My voice and the voice of many others do not matter to the establishment. Why then should I waste time proving that youths are not apathetic on current issues…

The government and society want to hear what they want to hear. The voice of dissent is quelled like a disease. We speak of equality in this country. But what of foreign workers? What of not appointing a certain race in certain parts of the military? What of gays, lesbians and the trangendered? Are they not people too?

I was tired of being called a ‘Bangla’ just because I demanded respect for the Bangladeshi workers who worked here. I was tired of the taunting in school when I used to be effeminate. So is it wrong of me to demand respect for them because I had a small taste of how homosexuals are treated.

Politics is sordid business. Speaking up for the discriminated is sordid business. Because society loves to throw their sordid stereotypes on apparently normal people on the basis that they are different.

“No, my religion says…”.

“They are so smelly…”

“It is just disgusting…”

“They are lazy and stupid…”

The one thing that has inspired me to carry on with my voice today are the words from Dr Soin, who quoted Magaret Mead:

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

Apparently I have to be careful with airing views of this nature, lest I be thrown in jail for inciting disharmony…

Logen L.

Two Lessons Learnt In Two Days

1. If your left eye has been bloodshot on and off for three weeks, see the bloody doctor within the first week. Don’t wait till you’re blind.
2. Warm-up and stretch before swimming. Don’t push yourself to swim fast the moment you jump into the pool for the first time since 2 to 4 years ago. My right arm can’t be moved freely because it feels as though someone has pulled my arm out of the socket.

Due to my eye infection, I couldn’t go for Aikido training yesterday.

This morning I couldn’t open my left eye at all. The doctor told me to open my eyes so that she could examine it for irritants. I opened it feebly before it closed on its own. She then told me she had to put anaesthetic into my eye so that it wouldn’t close in pain.

You should have seen my reaction; the adrenaline rush. “What! Anaesthetic? No. No. I open my eyes big for you okay?”  I told her desperately and pulled my eye open. She said she still needed anaesthetic on my eye.

“No, no! Don’t poke my eye with an injection! I open bigger.” I told her. She then took out what looked like eye drops. “Cheh… That’s the anaesthetic?” I asked feeling very relieved.

This sums up the consultation at the clinic.

Logen L.

Suffering In The Cycle Of Pain and Pleasure

Lately I’ve felt a relapse of melancholy. It was a taste of the pains I went through years ago. The feeling of being unloved, unwanted, helpless, hopeless and loneliness. The silence of your world is the most terrible and wondrous feeling. Your tongue is cut by your oppressors. You feel blades slicing deep within your heart. You cannot call out for help. No one knows. No one cares. Yet, you yourself can listen to the pain of your crying heart.

Among people, you wear a mask of happiness. You force yourself to forget the melancholy, and for awhile you succeed. But once you’re alone, the shadows creep in to smother your breath.

Of all things, I learnt not to deny pain. It is part and parcel of life. Being in denial of pain will consume every ounce of positivity and kindness you have left. It makes you cold hearted and vengeful. The denial of melancholy will not prevent the pain from seeping in; it will prolong the suffering.

I’ve accepted the recent sorrow, and it has faded. Yet, it had a purpose. I was reminded of the noble ideal I came across when battling depression last time.

Buddhism calls this ideal compassion.

Human being suffer. We suffer due to the ignorance of our true nature of impermanence. Suffering has no comparison; each person deals with pain and feels pain differently. At some point, every human being (and sentient being) encounters pain, for it is part of the cycle of pain and pleasure.

The cure for suffering is compassion. If you seek to lighten another person’s pain, you will diminish your own pain. You learn to understand pain on a different level, from a different person. Understanding turn to acceptance and you will see yourself in that person. In essence, every person is the same.

This is what I’ve forgotten for so long. I’ve lost my compassion in one of the major relapses of depression. I became hateful towards people who made me resent myself. As lofty as this goal is, I strive to be more compassionate…

Logen L.

Confidence Is Believing In Yourself

I used to believe mental preparation and theoretical knowledge was key to gaining confidence. That, however, is inaccurate.

One has to challenge himself in the world of reality, where unplanned and spontaneous behaviour runs the show. You will not know the outcome of your unplanned actions, but if you succeed, this experience becomes a great confidence booster. It allows you to believe in yourself and your abilities.

Yesterday, my gathering with old friends made me realise I still subconsciously held on my perfectionist ideals. I observed myself not daring to try new things for fear of appearing stupid. For instance, at the funfair, it was until Danny handed me the ‘riffle’ in his insistance that I try to hit the target that I did so. I missed the target but made a close shot.

This ordinary experience gave me profund insight: Sometimes, we have to give ourselves the right to be imperfect, be unconcerned about the outcome and have fun.

I was so afraid of appearing incompetent. But once I made the imperfect but close shot, I learnt to have more faith in myself.

So, the key to my quest of confidence, is to put myself in reality and practice having faith in my abilities.

Logen L.