10/30/11
10/28/11
4 Triggers To Take Action For My Future
My stint in Singapore during the interim between the two military exercises has been unproductive. I meant to return focused on the business and my interests for these 17 days. Yet, the procrastinator within has won.
Nonetheless, these recent events have re-sparked my passion.
(1) Freedom from the army is near (next year)
Free from the military in May 2012, I have to decide what to do with life. Which route should I take towards my coffin? I have thought of this numerous times and most of my options are unusual.
As said before, I do not want to lead a conventional life; walking on a path paved by the masses who are frightened at expressing their individual views because society frowns upon anything different.
I want to find my own happiness, in my own way.
(2) Financial Planning Seminar organised by my OC (Officer Commanding)
Years ago, after an inspiring read of the book Rich Dad, Poor Dad, I sought to take action on becoming financially independent. I am not yet at my goal and have strayed off the path slightly. The seminar has given me a refreshed perspective and reminded me to persevere in my dreams to turn my current business into stable profits.
(3) Stories of a travelling friend
With a sense of nostalgia, Shi Hui retold the stories during her solo travel to America. Lost for directions in life, hoping to find herself and her way, Shi Hui travelled around the States for a month. She came back happier, lighter, knowledgeable about herself as a person but no more certain of the future than she was when she left.
This was the same of me when I returned from Thailand from my solo travel last year. It changed my life.
I want to do a solo trip again. I also want to lead a lifestyle that entails travelling many times in one year.
(3) Life lessons from a cab driver
I met Victor, my driver, when taking the cab home from Mustafa Centre. Now in his mid-forties, Victor has an unconventional take on politics, Singapore racism history and life. I share many of his views.
Even though I had reached home, I stayed in the cab and we were talking for at least 10 minutes.
He was happily married to a Taiwanese wife and has permanent residency at both Canada and Taiwan. His kids, similar to me, are of mixed Indian-Chinese heritage. And he is back in Singapore while his son completes National Service.
From what we spoke of, Victor lived his life away from Singapore. With just $100, he left for Amsterdam and ended up working at a firm in the Silicon Valley. He has retired. He fought for his place in this world and his happiness. He spoke of the hunger for success and hope for a better life.
Our conversation gave me valuable insights for my own path. And allowed me to believe this life I am seeking is within reach. His advice was about hunger for success and the guts and aggression to seize your desires in an unfair world.
10/16/11
Military Training in Rockhampton
For the past three weeks, I have been in Rockhampton, Australia, on a military exercise. The weather there has been cold at night and scorching in the day; and the level of humidity is extremely low.
These are some highlights and low downs of my experiences there: (1) Outfield exercise involved breathtaking scenery by the lake and atop the knoll, (2) The canteen staff was friendly, especially Eilish, (3) I had a flirty conversation with a travelling stripper at the strip club, (4) My money was stolen by some fucker in the military camp, (5) I could not tolerate the utter disrespect of some of my platoon-mates and (6) The garlic chicken balls in the canteen was awesome.
Because I hadn’t brought entertainment devices to Australia, I spent my lull time reading or writing when in outfield. Here are some of the notes and haikus I wrote in boredom, melancholy, rage and tranquility (each piece depended on my mood).
I was feeling melancholic and pissed off when I wrote this.
Loneliness and solitude,
They follow from birth
And cease within thy coffin.
And this was written when calm but bored.
The Rockhampton spring saunters,
Dark skies creeping in…
Brings forth cold shivering winds.
This was written when I felt rage towards a group of people in my platoon.
I am offended by your words and presumptions.
But I do not speak.
Hate and loathing overcome relations.
My silence; your bewilderment.
Do not take my presence, our friendship and my ego for granted.
– Logen
09/26/11
Moody Bag Inspection
The return to camp for Aqis bag inspection, marked the day I became severely moody. People have been taking me and my ego for granted. They believe that their rude remarks and insults have no effect on how I feel. I should be damned to even care for the people who do not give me the courtesy of respect.
I am beyond tired of returning to the asylum in my mind that houses emptiness and great melancholy; the place I called home when I was 14 and there I remained within the shadows for four long years. I learnt to let people in far enough to create shallow bonds. Should they ever leave or turn against me, I needn’t feel pain.
Why take a chance on humanity when the only thing you receive in return is hurt…
Logen L.
09/21/11
The Meaning Of Patong
On my numerous trips overseas, I have always felt terrible to return to Singapore (the place I ought to call home). I am suffering from traveler blues.
When you meet someone special at an unfamiliar and frightening setting, the place transforms and becomes less threatening. Emotional connection and gestures make words unnecessary.
I miss Patong and the meaning it holds to me. I miss what I have left there. Maybe I am just being me, and am thinking excessively about what happened. It has only been 4 nights there (including the extra night from missing the flight). I don’t know. I am a fool.
Tirak tohar phom dai mai? Phom kid tung khun.
09/21/11
Gate Closed: One More Night In Patong
“I think we are going to miss our flight back to Singapore.” said I to Mandy, though still holding on to hope that somehow the heavy traffic and bad weather would ease.
Fifty minutes later, we were still nowhere near Phuket International Airport and the airplane was scheduled to depart in 45 minutes. We reached the airport too late and missed our flight back to Singapore.
“Logen, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.” Mandy remarked at our situation in disbelief.
I responded by laughing, “No point crying, just laugh and think about our next course of action.”
After numerous failed attempts to book new flights with our mobile internet, Mandy’s parents managed to book us a morning flight back. We left our bulky baggage with the airport concierge for 160 Baht and went out for a long smoking session.
We were debating between spending the night at the airport or at a room of a nearby hotel, when Mandy suggested we hitchhike with fellow tourists back to Patong. Might as well enjoy the extra night than sulk at the airport about our fuck up.
We approached Natasha and Sean who had trouble locating their taxi and were hassled by taxi touts. Aiding them to make calls to their hotel and driver, we were on our way back to Patong with them.
Cheers to the numerous fuck ups:
- forgetting to bring an underwater camera,
- forgetting to bring 6000 Baht that I converted in Singapore ( I realised this only 5 minutes ago)
- missing our flight
- going overbudget
- spending at least $6 each time to draw cash from the ATM (I used the ATM at least 5 times)
- getting a terrible rate when converting currency through the ATMs
- forgetting motion sickness pills when I was feeling nausea on the boat to Phi Phi
Louder cheers to overcoming the fuck ups with our spontaneity, recklessness and pure awesomeness.
The loudest cheers to meeting awesome people and having this trip with my closest friend of 8 years, Mandy!
(I will attach some pictures soon)
Logen L.
06/27/11
Broken Dreams And Expectations
Deep within my soul is this immense sadness. A sadness that which I cannot shake off. It seems I shall always carry this melancholy due to circumstance.
We all carry the burden and struggle of circumstance. But I… I cannot withstand this propensity to be whoever I am.
Why should I pretend to be pleasant when deeply insulted? Why do I not break rapport immediately and fuck the people whom which I call ‘friends’.
Somewhere down the line, one ought ask himself how to break circumstances. For me, there seems to be no ‘how’, but an endless list of wherefores. I don’t deserve such a life nor do I desire the expectations expected of me.
The world I believed of during childhood, and perhaps even adolescence, is a lie. Happiness and truth has a heavy price tag. It requires sacrifice and the relinquishing of attachment; attachment towards family and friends.
In the meantime, I am contented to live within this collapsing fairytale of lies. And with hope to die, I shall be crushed by the debris of broken dreams. The pain shall meet its quietus in due course.