I’m sure you know how certain songs can bring back nostalgic memories of the past. Unexpectedly I came across the song, An Jing on Zhi Wei’s blog. This song represented an era of time when I was young and stupid, between the secondary school years 2004 and 2005. I was in a class of crazy idiots who loved mandarin music, so naturally I was exposed to the mainstream mandarin music of that time.
While listening to the song after half a decade has passed, I’ve contemplated my journey in life and realise how much older and wiser I’ve become. I’ll soon graduate from polytechnic and reach the crossroads to decide the path I should pursue.
And by now I know, once you choose your path and leave behind the crossroads, you can never turn back. The bonds with the people you once cared for will be forgotten, because they become the relics of your past. When I have the time to reminisce, honestly, I miss my secondary school friends. However, even if we meet up, the tides of time have washed away our past and it becomes a meeting of strangers.
Somehow, I wish I could turn back time and become 15 again. I was depressed and feared abandonment back then. I had a crush on a certain someone and I hated myself for it. Now I wish I had at then possessed the guts to live the life I wanted and trust myself more. That’s the thing… until we’re free, we will never know how significantly we limit ourselves by our beliefs and thoughts.
Yet I cannot regret the choices I have made up until now. If I hadn’t made mistakes nor felt the turmoil of melancholy, I wouldn’t have the insight I have now. The Logen today would not have existed.
I’ve made up my mind to enjoy my youth while I still possess it. I don’t want to sit down as an old man in the future, regretting that I hadn’t lived life sensuously and wildly; appreciating the cerulean skies, tasting the scent of the night breeze, feeling the heat from the sun, dancing spontaneously to life’s rhythms. To appeal to the senses while they are at their peak and when I’m still alive and healthy.
After a long hiatus from writing poetry and proses, I find myself drifting. I am at heart a story-teller. I like to immerse myself in different worlds and dimensions, feel the moods and hear the thoughts of my characters. I find myself wanting to write lately, but cannot find the time to do so.
My emotional turmoil from the period of depression channeled my efforts in creating worlds within my head. It was the time when pain allowed me to be creative. And the byproduct of such dark creativity was slightly morbid stories and gothic characters.
It was my way of keeping myself sane. I couldn’t trust anyone enough to confide in, and writing ambiguously was an outlet for pain to be released.
Yes. I find myself lately to be in a gothic mood. I smell nostalgia in the air. I unconsciously summon vivid memories of the past. It was regrettable, but necessary…
The song, ‘Somewhere’ by Within Temptaion, has sentimental value to me, in that, it has carried me over through the time I went through depression.
As many of you know, I create many fantasies with my imagination. For example, the Dragon Village.
The inititial appeal to fantasise was a means to deal with the pain and melancholy I was going through. I used to pretend that I was from another dimension, where elf-like beings existed. And I was abandoned in this world as a child, unwanted and unloved.
While listening to this song in my darkened living room, the shadows in the dark seemed to move and I’d see a silouhette of a woman in the kitchen. The darkness can play tricks on your eyes. This made the hairs at the back of my neck stand, but I walked into the kitchen; the melancholy was far more painful than my fear.
I remember there was once, at the peak of my melancholy, I walked into the kitchen and slumped down onto the floor crying and the shadow of that woman crouched next to me and seemed to be comforting me. It was as if she was telling me that she was my mother from the dimension I was from, but due to circumstances she died. And I was here in the present dimension, because of the tradgedy that happened in the other dimension.
At that time of depression, I felt as if I didn’t belong to this world. I felt different and craved for normalcy. At the very least, I wanted acceptance and love for being the person I am. I hated myself for being weird/eccentric.
Now, I still feel I don’t belong here. But I no longer want normalcy. I love myself for my eccentricities. I love the way I think, even if it is morbid and crazy. Because I have method to my madness.