Alone on New Year’s Eve from 2012 to 2013

It’s New Year’s Eve, and here I am wired and morose from having little rest from a busy schedule. I have observed, throughout the years, that my resolution to be happy becomes increasingly elusive. And each year, I manage to isolate myself and make myself a tad more lonelier.

I am a very flawed person; an ineffective mix of stubborn ambition, unrealistic sense of time and undisciplined focus. As a result, I always seem to lack time. I have unwittingly pushed away old friends due to this perpetual loss of time. And when I finally find time a long time later, I feel too guilty to contact them. Why should they wish to meet me, when I have rejected their meetups so often.

Of the army friends I see more often, I have recently confirmed my assessment and therefore have come to terms to the prospect of letting go of a few friendships. People come, and people go. And the law of this world is the temporal nature of everything. One or two will choose to leave, others will become distant by neglecting efforts to connect, and the last few will stick with you until they leave as a result of their quietus.

That said, here are my resolutions:

  1. Be disciplined in my focus and purpose
  2. Persevere but know when to let go (or try another method)
  3. Find more time for family and friends
  4. Remember to breathe and smile
  5. Earn sufficient returns from my web investments to pay for my monthly student loan repayment
  6. Devote time to run and exercise (Need to keep in shape, regulate my moods and avoid RT. Perhaps between now and the future, I might actually become happy and want to mitigate the years that cigarettes have cut from my life.)
The unresolvable resolution…
“A person doesn’t know true hurt and suffering until they’ve felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere.” ? Rose Gordon, Her Imperfect Groom
Happy new year in advance. I’m going to take a nap before continuing my assignment.



Ushering Melancholy And 2012

Melancholic. I’ve used this word so much that it means little. Should I say I feel bleak, hopeless, gloomy and dreary instead?

The new year has prodded me into thinking about life and what will happen after my stint at the army. It has reminded me about why my desire to be happy is just a pipe dream; and I’ve been sucessful at forgeting this dreadful reason for months, until now. Like I said in my prior post, don’t judge me or presume you know me. Don’t ask me the wherefores of my sadness out of curiosity.  Don’t talk down at me. At the same time, shut the fuck up about god.

I feel as if I’m stuck in another dimension, while everyone else is moving on with life, settling down in normalcy and conventionalism. I guess, this is the point where I stop and doubt myself and my existence. No longer can I cry. The closest I’ve gotten to crying is when I drink. And that’s also the time I feel most human.

You know what… I’m supposed to be writing my resolutions for 2012. Here they are…

1. Resume Aikido training (or switch to Yoshinkan Aikido)

2. Regularly produce content for my 2 other websites (at least once a month)

3. Learn conversational Thai

4. Earn US$300 from direct advertising (by June)

5. Make US$150 in domain sales (by June)

6. Become slimmer and tone my body

7. Take up a sport (other than martial arts)

8. Do a cover of Zombie accompanied by guitar music for Youtube

9. Complete a marathon

Happy new year people…



Body Language And My Businesses

These days, I’ve been studying body language; how to read people through their behaviour and how to alter my own body language to enhance my communication prowess. I have trouble recalling the individual non-verbal indicators and therefore shall try to summarise similarities in these indicators into a mindmap or chart. Thereafter, I have to practice base-lining the body language of individuals, while analysing if their speech is congruent with their behaviour.

This goal of mine is far from being accomplished. And I have decided to make a project out of it on my other site at iKinesics.

Besides body language, I have been working on two new businesses. One of them is an addition of a new domaining business model to my current domain names business. The other is a partnership with my military camp-mate on promoting fitness and skin products. Hopefully, these two avenues will eventually enable me to supplement the measly military allowance.

In light of progressing in the goals above, I have neglected studying Thai. Time is, honestly, out of my hands; a sad fact of being enlisted in the army as a stay-in personnel for 5 days a week.

To worsen matters, my eczema condition has gotten slightly bad. Even though I have doubled the dosage of antihistamines, I end up scratching my arms and neck when asleep due to the intense itching. I am frightened at what field camp would do to my condition. Raw bleeding skin and mud do not mix well. We’ll see on Monday…



Living In Another Land And Writing A Novel

“Nothing is bleaker than the future, except perhaps the past.”

– A remark by a geisha on the war, Memoirs of A Geisha

[wordbay]Memoirs of a Geisha[/wordbay]

I spent the morning contemplating (and worrying) over how life will pan out after I have served the military. Long have I discovered that life rarely takes on the path of your desires. And my desires are many.

Before the age of thirty, I intend to migrate out of this country to another. My reasons for doing so are purely personal. I want to be a businessman who runs his own business, with a portfolio of investments. And I’d like to author fictional stories as a part-time job. Amidst all this, I want the time to train in Aikido (or Aikijujutsu) and perhaps fall in love.

However, when I compare my plans with what I observe of others, my aspirations sound naive and risky. The standard cookie-cutter plan of my friends is to: (1) Apply for a ‘good’ university, (2) Graduate and work for a company for the rest of their lives, (3) Find time to get married in the process. I don’t mean to scorn the plan, but it certainly isn’t for me.

There are some options in my mind now, to take my being closer to my goals (mainly the immigration).

1. Train in Japan as a live-in aikido student at the Yoshinkan Aikido Headquarters. Supplement my income as an English teacher and improve my Japanese proficiency. After 5 years, I can be considered for naturalisation as a Japanese citizen. There is definitely job satisfaction as I enjoy teaching.

2. Become a (accountancy or business) student at an Australian University. Apply for permanent residency for some years before applying for citizenship.

3. Take up an accountancy degree through Ngee Ann’s affiliation with overseas universities, or study for ACCA. Work for a few years locally, then apply for Canadian citizenship as a skilled worker (accountant/auditor). Or if I have sufficient net assets (unlikely), I can apply for Canadian citizenship under their entrepreneur scheme.

Apparently, money is a damper to my plans, especially option two. But I’d like to further my studies for the sake of a back up plan and to have one last opportunity to be a student. I’m going to the ‘Study In Australia’ Exhibition to consider my university options this Sunday.

It occurred to me that the idea of traveling the world while working as an English teacher seems viable. To write a book while events take shape in an unfamiliar cultural landscape is spontaneously romantic. What say you? Please answer my poll below.

[polldaddy poll=2917629]

Logen L.


Things To Do Before Being Conscripted

This is the year when I’ll be conscripted into the military. Before that happens, I intend to do these things:

1. Attain Silver for NAPFA

The two obstacles that I face in this physical fitness test are the standing broad jump and pull ups. I must be in time to take the test in mid April.

2. Learn to do the Melbourne Shuffle

I’ve fallen in love with shuffling ever since I’ve seen it done on YouTube. But after seeing some girl at Powerhouse shuffle, I’m determined to master it. Muahaha!

3. Gardening and re-potting

After my efforts at weeding months ago, the aloe vera plant is flourishing. Baby aloe veras are sprouting and I intend to re-pot them.

4. Write one short story

I’ve said on several occasions that I want to write short stories. However, I’ve always allowed procrastination to get the better of me. This time I want to brush up on my language and get to writing.

5. Meditate and live life

Though I’m aware, I’ve been drifting in fatigue and without direction for the past weeks. I’ve got a lot to reflect on by attempting insight meditation. Also, I’ve got a lot of partying and clubbing to do. That’s part of living life, is it not?

6. Increase Online Earnings

Yes. I’ve been doing this for a long time. I daresay, so much so that I neglect other parts of my life. Therein lies the reason for putting this goal as the last.

That is all. I’ll take action when I wake.

Logen L.


Happy 2010 and Resolutions

We live in a world of uncertainty. Everyone hurts so badly that they’ve become compassion-less. Familiarity is comfort; selective reality is medicine to assuage the suffering.

Today, I’m here to renew my vow to reach my happiness, amid the uncertainty. I vow to reach my goals my way. I will forgive and be compassionate to even those who oppose me.

It doesn’t matter if I will take on a path less taken. No matter the difficulty. Even if there is little proof that my principles, ethics and path will enable me to succeed, I will push on. I will be the exception because I’m not mere statistics. I am Logen, the god of my own destiny. And I don’t give a fuck of what society expects me to do.

Crazy dancing Logen

Horace and Logen at Siloso

Happy new year everyone. I resolve to stick to my code of ethics and principles and my way (and path).

Logen L.


First Week To The Hectic Final Semester

This semester will be hectic. As it is, the first deadline for a crucial assignment is in slightly over a week. Most modules require intensive study.

I’m going to take things one step at a time. However, I need to be more disciplined and take action to complete my work without procrastination. If I dawdle, the consequences may be dire.

Logen L.