I need a break from this. I’m driving myself insane with my stubborn desires and ideals.

[edited out]

I know that I can be strong. Yet certain things that I’m forced to do now is deflating my power.

I cannot stand staring into the eyes of happy hypocrites, who utter fml when little things don’t go their way… There is much more for me to complain about, but I do not. I cannot. That is the burden of secrecy that I have chosen to take on. Instead, I transfer my desperation grumbling about little things like the weather and so on.

Which part of me do you know. In reality nothing…

Just ignore me. I’m just good old insane Logen. Crazy, eccentric, weird…

Logen L.

I find it increasingly difficult to enjoy life. Every bleeding week is punctuated with major assignments or events. Every ‘free’ minute I have is devoted to tutorials, assignments and projects. I need solitude to ground myself in what really matters to me as an individual. I may seem extroverted, but I’m really an introvert at heart.

I get frustrated with myself to ‘hang out’ with friends and not go home when the schedule is so fucked up. ‘Hang out’ simply means waiting in school; for what, I don’t even know. I want to become disciplined and proactive with time management. Yet, I end up lying in bed on Saturday afternoons for a nap to catch up on sleep.

Naruto doesn’t make me happy anymore. Harry Potter has moved on from my life. I didn’t have time to spend on Avatar.

If this is an indication of how life as an accountant, auditor or financial analyst will be like… it sucks…

I envisioned my life to be fulfilling and calm and of course punctuated by bull crap once in a while. The life of living bull crap is crap…

Logen L.

Lately, I’ve become less productive with my business developments. The site outage a month ago, caused a total drop in my income and has yet to recover. Over the holidays, I’ve spent a whole lot of money and I worry about not earning any money through my business.

I don’t want to give up. I’ve come so far. Yet, the possibility to failure is making me pessimistic. I don’t want to be a slave to society and an underling to a corporation that forgoes employee benefits.

Sighs…

Logen L.

I’m still resentful of many things that happened in the past.

I remember being compared to other kids and made to feel inferior. When I was depressed, a person whom I felt was a confidant of power was taken from me by your unfair comparison. You were both blind to the pain I went through. I drank alcohol before I went to bed, so that I may find my release. But I never did release myself from the chains.

I couldn’t spend money as I liked because we were financially impaired. I resented how other kids could buy whatever they wanted. I was naive enough to believe in a better life. Sometimes, people ask why I’m so strange. Why is my imagination so over active. My imagination made my life worth living. It represented possibilities and things I’ve yet to feel in actuality. In truth, I had rather die in my sleep, forever living in my fantasy than to wake up to a living hell.

I wanted to talk to you both. However, I can’t. I simply wasn’t good enough, was I? I felt that my only worth to family were grades.

I had felt unwanted and unloved. I feared abandonment from close friends. So much so that I had once planned to cut people off before they cut me off.

I resented being teased in school. I often hoped to be run over by a moving vehicle while I crossed the road.

Why am I even crying while typing these words? I’ve tried so hard to run away from the past, yet it is catching up with me. I have not let go of the chains I’m enslaving myself with. I’m a damaged person. I feel like a broken toy; already outgrown my usefulness… Unable to find my happiness…

Logen L.

Glad to say, I’ve become action-oriented for the past week. Having organised my goals into modules, I’ve allocated time to spend each week and created clear standards. Step-by-step, I’ll achieve my desires.

However, it saddens me to ponder about the future. I’m certain that I’ll lose many friends. I’m glad to have gained the loyalty of a few close friends. As for others, I’ll have to detach myself emotionally. If it’s gone, it’s gone. The thing about human bonds is that it strengthens over time and when it is finally cut, it feels as if someone is digging a part of your heart out.

Life is a blessing and a curse. Some people have more curses than blessings. But blessing and curses are ultimately the same thing; they merely exist on opposite ends. What we need in this world is compassion and understanding; not cruelty and ignorance.

I better stop before I say too much. You won’t be able to decipher my incoherent blabbering anyway.

Logen L.

At times, there are lots of things on your mind that cannot be shared. The burden must be carried alone. Silence is as much a friend, as an enemy. Many things are best left unsaid.

Now, may I forget those thoughts and focus on taking action, being proactive. To constantly question myself if my actions are productive to the outcome I desire. Without my needs, how can I acquire my want?

Let action speak. Words are cheap.

Logen L.