11/9/09

The Voice of Equality In The Face of Prejudice

Disclaimer: The text here is merely my opinion. It may or may not represent the true nature of things. This disclaimer serves to protect me from repercussions if you wish to rely on my views. On no account should I be held responsible.

The module WISP (World Issues, Singapore Perspective), is presently covering discrimination and prejudices in a Singapore perspective. I’ve kept silent on my views for the past 1 and a half years, because I have lost hope on this country. My voice and the voice of many others do not matter to the establishment. Why then should I waste time proving that youths are not apathetic on current issues…

The government and society want to hear what they want to hear. The voice of dissent is quelled like a disease. We speak of equality in this country. But what of foreign workers? What of not appointing a certain race in certain parts of the military? What of gays, lesbians and the trangendered? Are they not people too?

I was tired of being called a ‘Bangla’ just because I demanded respect for the Bangladeshi workers who worked here. I was tired of the taunting in school when I used to be effeminate. So is it wrong of me to demand respect for them because I had a small taste of how homosexuals are treated.

Politics is sordid business. Speaking up for the discriminated is sordid business. Because society loves to throw their sordid stereotypes on apparently normal people on the basis that they are different.

“No, my religion says…”.

“They are so smelly…”

“It is just disgusting…”

“They are lazy and stupid…”

The one thing that has inspired me to carry on with my voice today are the words from Dr Soin, who quoted Magaret Mead:

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

Apparently I have to be careful with airing views of this nature, lest I be thrown in jail for inciting disharmony…

Logen L.

10/23/09

First Week To The Hectic Final Semester

This semester will be hectic. As it is, the first deadline for a crucial assignment is in slightly over a week. Most modules require intensive study.

I’m going to take things one step at a time. However, I need to be more disciplined and take action to complete my work without procrastination. If I dawdle, the consequences may be dire.

Logen L.

10/15/09

Two Lessons Learnt In Two Days

  1. If your left eye has been bloodshot on and off for three weeks, see the bloody doctor within the first week. Don’t wait till you’re blind.
  2. Warm-up and stretch before swimming. Don’t push yourself to swim fast the moment you jump into the pool for the first time since 2 to 4 years ago. My right arm can’t be moved freely because it feels as though someone has pulled my arm out of the socket.

Due to my eye infection, I couldn’t go for Aikido training yesterday.

This morning I couldn’t open my left eye at all. The doctor told me to open my eyes so that she could examine it for irritants. I opened it feebly before it closed on its own. She then told me she had to put anaesthetic into my eye so that it wouldn’t close in pain.

You should have seen my reaction; the adrenaline rush. “What! Anaesthetic? No. No. I open my eyes big for you okay?”  I told her desperately and pulled my eye open. She said she still needed anaesthetic on my eye.

“No, no! Don’t poke my eye with an injection! I open bigger.” I told her. She then took out what looked like eye drops. “Cheh… That’s the anaesthetic?” I asked feeling very relieved.

This sums up the consultation at the clinic.

Logen L.

10/9/09

Stressed Out By Business

Lately, I’ve become less productive with my business developments. The site outage a month ago, caused a total drop in my income and has yet to recover. Over the holidays, I’ve spent a whole lot of money and I worry about not earning any money through my business.

I don’t want to give up. I’ve come so far. Yet, the possibility to failure is making me pessimistic. I don’t want to be a slave to society and an underling to a corporation that forgoes employee benefits.

Sighs…

Logen L.

10/4/09

Reducing My Phobia Of Cockroaches

I’ve been listening to hypnosis recordings a few times a week to reduce my fear of cockroaches.

Days ago, I managed to spray down a young flying cockroach and wrap it in newspaper to throw away. I found out I can handle the presence of a cockroach if I either close my eyes or ignore its ugly features when killing it. If I look at its feelers, ugly eyes or kicking legs, I’ll end up screaming.

Last night, I had a vivid nightmare and I remember using scrunched up newspaper to whack a huge cockroach dead. And even flicking a smaller cockroach off my thigh.

Yes, it was a dream. But if I’m able to subconsciously deal with cockroaches, perhaps I am actually reducing my fear with the help of hypnosis.

It is a small step towards my goal. And I’m feeling happy about it. I’m not ready to deal with huge flying cockroaches though. Or even huge running cockroaches.

Logen Lanka

09/28/09

Suffering In The Cycle Of Pain and Pleasure

Lately I’ve felt a relapse of melancholy. It was a taste of the pains I went through years ago. The feeling of being unloved, unwanted, helpless, hopeless and loneliness. The silence of your world is the most terrible and wondrous feeling. Your tongue is cut by your oppressors. You feel blades slicing deep within your heart. You cannot call out for help. No one knows. No one cares. Yet, you yourself can listen to the pain of your crying heart.

Among people, you wear a mask of happiness. You force yourself to forget the melancholy, and for awhile you succeed. But once you’re alone, the shadows creep in to smother your breath.

Of all things, I learnt not to deny pain. It is part and parcel of life. Being in denial of pain will consume every ounce of positivity and kindness you have left. It makes you cold hearted and vengeful. The denial of melancholy will not prevent the pain from seeping in; it will prolong the suffering.

I’ve accepted the recent sorrow, and it has faded. Yet, it had a purpose. I was reminded of the noble ideal I came across when battling depression last time.

Buddhism calls this ideal compassion.

Human being suffer. We suffer due to the ignorance of our true nature of impermanence. Suffering has no comparison; each person deals with pain and feels pain differently. At some point, every human being (and sentient being) encounters pain, for it is part of the cycle of pain and pleasure.

The cure for suffering is compassion. If you seek to lighten another person’s pain, you will diminish your own pain. You learn to understand pain on a different level, from a different person. Understanding turn to acceptance and you will see yourself in that person. In essence, every person is the same.

This is what I’ve forgotten for so long. I’ve lost my compassion in one of the major relapses of depression. I became hateful towards people who made me resent myself. As lofty as this goal is, I strive to be more compassionate…

Logen L.

09/26/09

Resentful of The Past

I’m still resentful of many things that happened in the past.

I remember being compared to other kids and made to feel inferior. When I was depressed, a person whom I felt was a confidant of power was taken from me by your unfair comparison. You were both blind to the pain I went through. I drank alcohol before I went to bed, so that I may find my release. But I never did release myself from the chains.

I couldn’t spend money as I liked because we were financially impaired. I resented how other kids could buy whatever they wanted. I was naive enough to believe in a better life. Sometimes, people ask why I’m so strange. Why is my imagination so over active. My imagination made my life worth living. It represented possibilities and things I’ve yet to feel in actuality. In truth, I had rather die in my sleep, forever living in my fantasy than to wake up to a living hell.

I wanted to talk to you both. However, I can’t. I simply wasn’t good enough, was I? I felt that my only worth to family were grades.

I had felt unwanted and unloved. I feared abandonment from close friends. So much so that I had once planned to cut people off before they cut me off.

I resented being teased in school. I often hoped to be run over by a moving vehicle while I crossed the road.

Why am I even crying while typing these words? I’ve tried so hard to run away from the past, yet it is catching up with me. I have not let go of the chains I’m enslaving myself with. I’m a damaged person. I feel like a broken toy; already outgrown my usefulness… Unable to find my happiness…

Logen L.