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As I’ve mentioned, seven weeks remain before the internship ends. I might as well take this unpleasant experience as an opportunity to develop certain skills; take the craziness as a training ground for the skills in my life list.
Ironically, I’ve dropped certain skills and upkeep when transforming to survival mode for the attachment. I’ve neglected my looks because the upkeep would cost me time to sleep. I’ve become less confident in certain aspects. I’ve become noticably grumpier towards my classmates, occasionally reverting to my normal crazy self.
But the attachment isn’t a completely lost endeavour. I’ve become direct and assertive in certain ways. I’ve practiced the key to charming people. I complete my work efficiently and very quickly because I can’t bear to drag the loathesome work over days. I’ve learnt to dissappear like a ninja once my office hour ends.
I intend to revert back to immortality when 4 weeks remain. I’ll begin my upkeep this week. And prepare for Aikido grading.
You will read more of my lifelist entries soon.
To my fellow interns, especially Office Senior and Outside Senior, you’ve been an inspiration for me to keep going amid the crazy times. Here’s your Welfare Senior signing off.
Logen L.
Logen, aka Logish, is an eccentric guy who loves to laugh. He immerses himself in various fantasy worlds to escape reality. And he has a life list, which gives him direction in this illusion called life.
I haven’t had the chance to focus on ‘here and now’. On occassional weekends, I anticipate how unpleasant work days are going to be, resulting in my grumpiness.
I was pissed off to receive work-related calls and text messages after work yesterday. Is the work that bloody important to disturb me? Can it not wait till next Monday to tell me I’m needed to set up files on top of what I have to do? Fucked up…
Seven weeks remain. I can’t wait for the internship to end.
Logen L.
There are 2.5 months left before the internship ends. It’s tiring, very tiring. Try as I might, I find it difficult to run my web developments in conjunction with the unfufilling internship.
I hold no passion for auditing and accounting. It is a waste of my time and productivity.
My passion, instead, would be starting my own business, running it, and eventually relying on investments for my income. Some people who hear my aspiration believe that I am naive. They assume that I don’t know about the capital needed to start a business. They assume I know nothing about market research. They assume that in order to succeed in life, one has to work like a dog for a company…
I say, live and let live. I shall allow you to live your life as a dog, while you leave me to my aspirations. Do you know I have been establishing my business in the past years out of trial and error. I’ve pumped in at least a thousand dollar in capital; yes, not all businesses require you to spend $50K during the starting phase.
Out of the trial and error, it seems a quarter of the money has found a target industry that is profitable, with minimal work done.
I have never implied that starting a business was easy. I’m fully aware of the ins and outs. I have experienced the horror of losing money more than earning it. But it has gained me some fruit eventually. Do not make assumptions about me, especially when you know so little.
P.S. Upon re-reading my post, it seems I’m feeling grumpy again. Oh well…
Logen L.
Though without certainty, I can tell that I have had a minor relapse of depression for some time. I’ve been tempermental with my parents and sister, snapping at them and grumbling like an old man. My mind has been drifting unpredictably into apathy, anxiety, pain, sometimes calmness and clarity.
Just now, I walked back home, mumbling and singing to myself. The frame of mind that possessed me was tranquil and yet, I could feel my mind shielding myself from my senses. I had no desire to see the world as it is. I’m going back to my old world. The world I created.
At least, unlike the last time, I’m sitting on my chair calmly typing out my thoughts as it is. Neither paranoia nor worry is within my head. If it comes, I shall allow it to come and observe it. Nothing lasts forever. I’m taking a step at a time.
There’s no need to worry about me. I have faced worse. What I’m feeling now… It’s nothing.
Logen L.
It was refreshing to meet a close friend, whom I’ve not seen for a year, still sharing similar viewpoints on life. To be able to connect so well after the time gap is amazing. And I realise, the mark of wisdom is when someone allows their mind to consider the limitless possibilities, rather than rigidly generalise situations based on ‘common knowledge’.
Anyway, I was on MC today (Friday). The doctor told me that the cause of my daily migraines and disturbed sleep was stress-induced. My blood presure was slightly high and she gave me anxiety pills to improve the quality of my sleep.
I’m tired of the attachment. It is mind-numbing, boring and crazy. And when I think about this, it leads me to wonder… Will I survive the mandatory 2 years of being enslaved by the establishment…
Life is the rental of our body and mind. When the rent expires, we cease to exist. The law of impermance, cause and effect, and emptiness.
Thanks Ais and Bala for the meet. And I’m thankful to my fellow villagers for celebrating my birthday.
Logen L.
These days I notice myself blogging more about my desire for tranquility and happiness. I feel uncomfortable when forced to talk to family, friends and relatives about my plans for the future. Everyone wants to hear that I want a regular job, a girlfriend, a university degree, a wife and to work myself soullessly to my demise.
For fuck’s sake, I’m not made out of a factory assembly line!
I don’t want a 9 to 5 job. I don’t want to work for money. I don’t need a wife. And I certainly don’t need people to tell me what I want and don’t want in my life…
I’m tired of donning a mask just to please people. Yet again, this mask I wear is for my convenience. I have no desire of having a long drawn conversation, in which the other party explains why my plans are naive, stupid or impossible. It does not serve my motives to allow someone to crush my dreams.
It feels good to be alone sometimes. The silence can both be paradoxically beautiful and terrifying in an instance.
Logen L.
In this life of suffering, I realise that it takes courage to seek happiness. Those who dare to live move ahead in life, blind and deaf to the gossip mongers who are stagnant in their own shit. These daring individuals don’t allow their perception to be clouded by fear and paranoia. And are able to defend their natural rights and say.
One day, I believe, I’ll become brave to be happy. At least, I’m trying hard now to do so. It is times like this when I wished life was easy on me. Ironically, I do not regret my difficulties, because they pave my way to greater successes.
Logen
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