03/24/13

Ha…

You haven’t even had a glimpse of what I have to go through and yet you so easily compare me to your friends. If I needed people to put my life into perspective, I would have gone to a counsellor or psychiatrist. If you even had a taste of the shit I had to have, you wouldn’t put thing so cavalierly.

Positive thinking? There are people who are worse? Do you not think I know there are people out there whose lives are life and death on a daily basis? Does knowing that make my fucking life any better? Do you think I compare my life to the superior breeds of our society and am blind to the common people?

The fact is, I’m resentful of the common people. They smile, laugh and cry at the things common people can relate to. What about me? I can only dream about being sad about what common people are fucking sad about. So no… I’m not interested if your friend has to go through this or that. Neither do I need your sympathy. I just needed someone to listen to.

But now, I know.

Don’t need to pretend that you care. Neither do you need to tell me that life is this and that. I’m nearly bloody twenty-three. I’m not an idiot. I lived my life believing that life is what you make it to be. Look where it got me… So, get down your fucking high horse and don’t tell me some high-minded philosophy that I once believed in.

Because, one day when you are crying and in the rut, I will belittle what you have through and tell you that people have gone through worse. That will help you get over your sadness, wouldn’t it?

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03/6/13

Hopeless Afterlife

The feeling of hopelessness and helplessness is so overwhelming, that I feel closest to being open to the afterlife. But still I refuse to burden my close friends with my issues. We have not contacted, and I don’t want to be the one seeking refuge out of the blue.

These days, the remaining zest for life I still have is ebbing away. And my prolonged focus on school and business has thrown my life out of balance. I lack a social life.

I have much to say. But, as always, I must be mindful of my words. Ironic, isn’t it? This is my space, and I cannot freely speak. I must contend with speaking in riddles and putting up a façade.

I don’t know… Right now, I just cannot find the strength to fight for my existence.

To think that the break in Bangkok did little to help…

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03/3/13

The Truth Is A Game

There are times when words become elusive and I know not how to express the shadows that dwell within. Now, these shadows are able to flow into words. But why should they? Be it in silence or with noise, people paint an illusion for themselves to believe. The truth does not matter, except for curiosity and entertainment.

The world belongs to those who fit the rigid conventions of normalcy. There is a hefty price to pay for not wearing a mask that is in line with peoples’ expectations. Those who prefer to be sincere or let their masks falter, become conversational gossip. Not a single shred of respect for the person’s feelings exists within gossip. Misfits are jokes to those who belong. Their fate is a game to those who belong.

I resent it all… I resent happy people… I resent the losses…

Don’t tell me this is okay. Don’t tell me that the losses do not matter. Everyone is a fucking hypocrite.

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02/2/13

The Invisible Obituary Along The Path

As I walked home tonight, slowing the pace in sync with the melancholy and burden within, I stepped over a page of the obituary left on the concrete path. The lady’s face and obituary post covered half the page, and she must have mattered to those whose life she touched. But the rest of the world moves on, uncaring and indifferent, evident from the many shoe marks upon the page.

Therein lies the very poetic nature of our sad reality. People die, and when they do, the world rotates without missing a beat.

We convince ourselves that we are eternal in how we live, constantly in denial of the fact that we shall meet our quietus one day. We pretend that the memories we create and share will exist till time ceases. But no… no one cares. For most, getting an obituary will be a temporary form of remembrance. Eventually , the portrait announcing your death find its way into a landfill. People forget and people move on.

On a note related to death, the lucky ones, who are ever so cheerful, take for granted the happiness they have. And the rest of us suffers from the cruelty and selfishness we inflict upon one and other. But just as happiness is temporal, so is suffering. The ultimate end is when the rented vessel (we call our body) lies in a beautifully crafted wooden box. And that box is all that it is, just a box to keep a relic of forgotten memories.

What is the point? Really, what is the point…

Some will have flashes of regret on their dying day, while others who have lived in constant agony will welcome the relief. I’m not certain that I will welcome the relief with open arms, but on some days, it beats having to feel the desperate and lonely emptiness of it all arising from this curse.

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12/31/12

Alone on New Year’s Eve from 2012 to 2013

It’s New Year’s Eve, and here I am wired and morose from having little rest from a busy schedule. I have observed, throughout the years, that my resolution to be happy becomes increasingly elusive. And each year, I manage to isolate myself and make myself a tad more lonelier.

I am a very flawed person; an ineffective mix of stubborn ambition, unrealistic sense of time and undisciplined focus. As a result, I always seem to lack time. I have unwittingly pushed away old friends due to this perpetual loss of time. And when I finally find time a long time later, I feel too guilty to contact them. Why should they wish to meet me, when I have rejected their meetups so often.

Of the army friends I see more often, I have recently confirmed my assessment and therefore have come to terms to the prospect of letting go of a few friendships. People come, and people go. And the law of this world is the temporal nature of everything. One or two will choose to leave, others will become distant by neglecting efforts to connect, and the last few will stick with you until they leave as a result of their quietus.

That said, here are my resolutions:

  1. Be disciplined in my focus and purpose
  2. Persevere but know when to let go (or try another method)
  3. Find more time for family and friends
  4. Remember to breathe and smile
  5. Earn sufficient returns from my web investments to pay for my monthly student loan repayment
  6. Devote time to run and exercise (Need to keep in shape, regulate my moods and avoid RT. Perhaps between now and the future, I might actually become happy and want to mitigate the years that cigarettes have cut from my life.)
The unresolvable resolution…
“A person doesn’t know true hurt and suffering until they’ve felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere.” ? Rose Gordon, Her Imperfect Groom
Happy new year in advance. I’m going to take a nap before continuing my assignment.
Logen

 

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12/28/12

Ineloquent Ramblings and Worries

Spent my Christmas and entire break working on my Microeconomics assignment and still have much more to complete. I need a break from this shit.

The pressure of balancing school and freelance work is horrible. I have no room to fuck up because my University education is  financed by bank loan. If I screw up in school, there will be issues with graduation date and the commencement of loan principal repayment. If I screw up work, there will be issues with repaying the monthly interest on loan.

Here’s reality. People call this responsibility and obligation. To me it’s a suffocating burden. And to you, you are understandably indifferent. This is life…

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