Monthly Archives: October 2008

10/29/08

Concussion During Aikido

I had my first session of Aikido as an Orange belt today. I ended up with a concussion near the end of the lesson.

We were practicing a variation of Tsuki, which involved a backward throw. Within mere seconds of lying on my back when the technique ended, someone was accidentally thrown onto me. That person’s head ended up hitting the temples of my head and I blacked out for some seconds.

While my eyes struggled to open, my seniors knelt by me and repeatedly asked if I was fine. Being in a daze, I couldn’t process their words for a while. Even after then it was difficult for me to respond as I had been breathing heavily.

Sensei came over and knelt down behind me. I’m not really sure what he did. But I can best describe it as pressing my pressure points. My eyes remained blank but were tearing. I’m not sure if it was from the pain, my thoughts or something else. Sensei then asked to move my eyes to different specific directions verbally.

It took me a few minutes to get up thereafter and I was accompanied by my partner outside.

Logen L.

10/28/08

This Week Is Ryugakure’s Week

Happy belated Deepavali to everyone.

The Dragon Village lunch will take place this Friday.

Starting on Wednesday, all villagers are expected to rehearse their Japanese etiquette of bowing and greeting. To guys who will be wearing the ‘samurai’ costume, we’ll practice tying the hakama on Thursday. Whereas for girls who will be wearing kimono, please look for Tung-chan for instructions.

Anyway, I’ve reminded myself something… Happiness is a choice. Even if you are forsaken, you can be happy. You have to be able to let go of those who had meant much to you. :]

Life is impermanent. If people cannot appreciate differences and embrace you, then let go of them. There is no point in being the only one who is clinging to that relationship. There is no purpose in masking the core of your existence.

Anyway, I’m ever thankful for having friends like Harris, Mandy and Ais, even though we haven’t met nor talked for weeks.

Logen L.

10/25/08

Resolution Of Independence

No matter how difficult life becomes, I’m here for myself. I have no need to rely on anyone. Born alone; die alone.

While there are friends who have proven their loyalty and honour, I do not wish to burden them.

I’m okay now.

Logen L.

10/24/08

Sinking Into The Abyss

I’m cracking. It hurts. The fear and paranoia is returning, slowly.

I cannot withstand battling against multiple triggers at one time. And this time, there were more than a multiple.

My mind is in a whirl, so much so that I no longer know why I’m sad. The more I ask myself why, the faster my thoughts race. I can no longer catch up with their pace.

Teach me how not to feel pain when people attack the core of your existence. Tell me why am I unwanted. Why can’t I have the taste of normalcy.

Am I born into the wrong world? A conventional person can relate to the ideas of common people. While me… I don’t know.

I don’t want to sink back into the dark abyss of guilt and sorrow. I was stuck in there for over 2 years last time. It was as if I was looking at reality from behind a veil that was trying to suffocate me.

The emptiness is heavy. Someone in the abyss is grabbing my ankle and pulling me under.

It’s coming back. It hurts, and I now find it hard to breathe. I don’t want to sink into the days when I was numb…

Logen L.

10/23/08

Tears Are Not For Boys

I’ve lost a part of myself.

Reality has eaten away at my soul.

My lips, sewn together; I cannot speak.

Bonds of friendship I need break.

Kinships torn asunder.

All alone at my ‘happy’ place, talking with the person inside the mirror.

He’s always been there for me… always…

I exist for myself…

Logen L.

10/16/08

Laugh Your Sorrows Out

I was talking to someone a while ago about a friend who seemed depressed at that time. This friend whom had hit a low, was usually so cheerful and lively. It therefore was unusual to see her exceptionally withdrawn.

I told my conversation partner that some people laugh so that they can ward off the sadness within. When circumstance is hopeless and unchangeable, people surpass the stage of crying and laugh instead. The bitter laugh of misery.

Laughter temporarily allows them to forget their sorrows. Though odd, they sometimes laugh at nothing or little things. It is just the way they cope with life; the way they try to see the light rather than the dark.

She then asked me whether my talk on ‘laughter being a mask’ was referring to myself. I simply smiled and shrugged.

I do use laughter as a subconscious coping mechanism. However, most recently, I find it difficult to have a good genuine laugh. And perhaps I lost the ability to cry as well. Even then, I feel myself escaping into my world of fantasy, in which I was abandoned as a child into this dimension of the world. Time and again, I search for the gate to return to the dimension I belong to but can never find it.

Bad memories of the past are coming back to haunt me and I fear one day I would succumb to those thoughts. I remember the times when I was powerless against the teasing at school. I felt pathetic for not having the guts and tenacity to fight back.

My fears on the future aren’t pleasant as well. I doubt circumstance will grant me the happiness I desire. My simple want of having family and friends by my side may shatter. Before it shatters and hurts me, I’d rather abandon them than be abandoned.

Sorry for being so bitter. But when you were once scorned before, you’d harden your exterior to prevent your spirit from being hurt again. You learn to wear a mask, and become an actor. Sometimes, you get so caught up that you forget who you really are.

Thankfully, I live my life as close to who I am as I can…

I may be an oddity, but I am who I am.

[ fanvideo made by Rainbow610 ]

Logen L.