Category Archives: Insights On Reality

Snippets of wisdom from life’s experiences.

10/15/09

Two Lessons Learnt In Two Days

  1. If your left eye has been bloodshot on and off for three weeks, see the bloody doctor within the first week. Don’t wait till you’re blind.
  2. Warm-up and stretch before swimming. Don’t push yourself to swim fast the moment you jump into the pool for the first time since 2 to 4 years ago. My right arm can’t be moved freely because it feels as though someone has pulled my arm out of the socket.

Due to my eye infection, I couldn’t go for Aikido training yesterday.

This morning I couldn’t open my left eye at all. The doctor told me to open my eyes so that she could examine it for irritants. I opened it feebly before it closed on its own. She then told me she had to put anaesthetic into my eye so that it wouldn’t close in pain.

You should have seen my reaction; the adrenaline rush. “What! Anaesthetic? No. No. I open my eyes big for you okay?”  I told her desperately and pulled my eye open. She said she still needed anaesthetic on my eye.

“No, no! Don’t poke my eye with an injection! I open bigger.” I told her. She then took out what looked like eye drops. “Cheh… That’s the anaesthetic?” I asked feeling very relieved.

This sums up the consultation at the clinic.

Logen L.

09/28/09

Suffering In The Cycle Of Pain and Pleasure

Lately I’ve felt a relapse of melancholy. It was a taste of the pains I went through years ago. The feeling of being unloved, unwanted, helpless, hopeless and loneliness. The silence of your world is the most terrible and wondrous feeling. Your tongue is cut by your oppressors. You feel blades slicing deep within your heart. You cannot call out for help. No one knows. No one cares. Yet, you yourself can listen to the pain of your crying heart.

Among people, you wear a mask of happiness. You force yourself to forget the melancholy, and for awhile you succeed. But once you’re alone, the shadows creep in to smother your breath.

Of all things, I learnt not to deny pain. It is part and parcel of life. Being in denial of pain will consume every ounce of positivity and kindness you have left. It makes you cold hearted and vengeful. The denial of melancholy will not prevent the pain from seeping in; it will prolong the suffering.

I’ve accepted the recent sorrow, and it has faded. Yet, it had a purpose. I was reminded of the noble ideal I came across when battling depression last time.

Buddhism calls this ideal compassion.

Human being suffer. We suffer due to the ignorance of our true nature of impermanence. Suffering has no comparison; each person deals with pain and feels pain differently. At some point, every human being (and sentient being) encounters pain, for it is part of the cycle of pain and pleasure.

The cure for suffering is compassion. If you seek to lighten another person’s pain, you will diminish your own pain. You learn to understand pain on a different level, from a different person. Understanding turn to acceptance and you will see yourself in that person. In essence, every person is the same.

This is what I’ve forgotten for so long. I’ve lost my compassion in one of the major relapses of depression. I became hateful towards people who made me resent myself. As lofty as this goal is, I strive to be more compassionate…

Logen L.

09/2/09

Confidence Is Believing In Yourself

I used to believe mental preparation and theoretical knowledge was key to gaining confidence. That, however, is inaccurate.

Believing In Yourself

One has to challenge himself in the world of reality, where unplanned and spontaneous behaviour runs the show. You will not know the outcome of your unplanned actions, but if you succeed, this experience becomes a great confidence booster. It allows you to believe in yourself and your abilities.

Yesterday, my gathering with old friends made me realise I still subconsciously held on my perfectionist ideals. I observed myself not daring to try new things for fear of appearing stupid. For instance, at the funfair, it was until Danny handed me the ‘riffle’ in his insistance that I try to hit the target that I did so. I missed the target but made a close shot.

This ordinary experience gave me profund insight: Sometimes, we have to give ourselves the right to be imperfect, be unconcerned about the outcome and have fun.

I was so afraid of appearing incompetent. But once I made the imperfect but close shot, I learnt to have more faith in myself.

So, the key to my quest of confidence, is to put myself in reality and practice having faith in my abilities.

Logen L.

08/27/09

Choose Between Being A Slave Or Embracing Opportunity

Once a male Singaporean reaches the legal age, he is bound to serve the much dreaded National Service. This military conscription would last for 2 years.

Last Friday, I received the letter informing me to arrange for a medical examination relating to the conscription. And truth be told, my mind went on overdrive. I was panicking, worrying and becoming paranoid of what would happen when I lost my freedom. While I always knew of the fate that awaited me and other Singaporean guys, the letter (something that I could touch and see) told me that my time to serve the army was nearing and it was reality.

Subsequent to the letter, I made a decision. I chose to embrace the army.

As you know, I have many goals. I thought about how serving the army would serve my goals. It is opportunity to develop skills such as being able to think in the midst of crisis, manage time, maintain my well-being and persevere. I will be fitter and can use the military experience to develop my personal style of martial arts. This experience can also prepare me for my year long Yoshinkan Aikido training in Japan, which I intend to apply for.

Logen holding a starfish

Before receiving the letter, which was like a wake-up call telling me that this was reality, I would tell you that thinking this conscription as something positive is simply brainwashing yourself with nationalistic propaganda. Not anymore.

If I were to approach the conscription with negativity and resistance, I will end up committing suicide. Aikido has taught me to harmonise with life’s adversities; this doesn’t mean to agree and bow down to adversity. It means to maintain your calm and mind to tackle any issues.

Right now, I have to prepare myself through training for stamina, ridding myself of insect phobia and ridding myself of habitual worrying. I have to be proactive.

Logen L.