08/27/09

Choose Between Being A Slave Or Embracing Opportunity

Once a male Singaporean reaches the legal age, he is bound to serve the much dreaded National Service. This military conscription would last for 2 years.

Last Friday, I received the letter informing me to arrange for a medical examination relating to the conscription. And truth be told, my mind went on overdrive. I was panicking, worrying and becoming paranoid of what would happen when I lost my freedom. While I always knew of the fate that awaited me and other Singaporean guys, the letter (something that I could touch and see) told me that my time to serve the army was nearing and it was reality.

Subsequent to the letter, I made a decision. I chose to embrace the army.

As you know, I have many goals. I thought about how serving the army would serve my goals. It is opportunity to develop skills such as being able to think in the midst of crisis, manage time, maintain my well-being and persevere. I will be fitter and can use the military experience to develop my personal style of martial arts. This experience can also prepare me for my year long Yoshinkan Aikido training in Japan, which I intend to apply for.

Logen holding a starfish

Before receiving the letter, which was like a wake-up call telling me that this was reality, I would tell you that thinking this conscription as something positive is simply brainwashing yourself with nationalistic propaganda. Not anymore.

If I were to approach the conscription with negativity and resistance, I will end up committing suicide. Aikido has taught me to harmonise with life’s adversities; this doesn’t mean to agree and bow down to adversity. It means to maintain your calm and mind to tackle any issues.

Right now, I have to prepare myself through training for stamina, ridding myself of insect phobia and ridding myself of habitual worrying. I have to be proactive.

Logen L.

08/24/09

Sleep Before Midnight, Wake Before Noon

These days, I’m trying to sleep before midnight and wake before noon. I dislike feeling as if my entire day is wasted when I wake up in the evening.

Logen Sleeping Ninja

This links up to being productive with my day. By having a regular sleep/wake pattern, I’m able to plan my time better. And I won’t be fatigued and grumpy.

I desperately need the energy to make the changes I desire.

Logen L.

08/24/09

Working On Confidence And Assertiveness

This vacation, my focus is on being confident and assertive in my behaviour. Using 43Things (a site where you can track your goals), I’ll be documenting my progress, insights and method of attaining my goals. You will be able to read them on here, Logish Paradox.

I’ve been largely secretive of what I do and how I think. But I’m trying to open up. I believe in making an effort to become better people, rather than whining about life.

Doubtlessly, for an eccentric person like me, there are some strange goals on my life list. For example, ‘becoming a ninja’. I assure you that this is part of my marketing efforts for my online business.

Really!

Okay fine… Who doesn’t want to be ninja? Haha.

I’ll encourage everyone to create a life list. And if our goals are similar, we can help each other out. If you can help me out in my goals, please do.

Logen L.

08/21/09

I Am God

The relativity of reality makes the concept of fairness and unfairness subjective. However, when nightmares unfold into our lives we question life’s fairness.

I do not believe in a god. Therefore, I do not question the fairness of shit happening in my life. I am my own god. Yet, being my own god has its downsides. As much as there are things I can control, there are more factors I cannot control.

It sucks. Really it does.

This doesn’t mean I’ll hand the reins of my life to some fictional being. No offense. This is just my point of view here.

Sighs…

Emptiness is form. Form is emptiness. Then why am I so concerned with form, which inherently lacks substance? Because I’m human.

Logen L.

08/13/09

Fruitful But Painful Internship

The internship ends tomorrow. I’ve said I’ll never say this, but the experience was bittersweet.

From my many mistakes, bloomed valuable insights. I’ve drawn inspiration from my colleagues, fellow interns and clients. I’ve toughened up mentally and my thought process has evolved.

I realised that the essense of calm is not the absense of chaos. It is when we harmonise within chaos that calm can arise. After all, you can trick youself into believing that you’re a calm person when life is smooth sailing. However, once life starts throwing shit at you, can you face and harmonise with the shit? I’m still learning how to do that… One step at a time.

I’ve made plans to shorten my life list, by achieving my goals. Surprisingly, I’ve refined my methodology in planning that it becomes easy to take action on my goals. So let this coming vacation be productive and calm.

Logen L.

08/8/09

Recession To Depression

I watched him staring blankly into the space in front of him for hours. His mind was clearly elsewhere as he couldn’t hear us talking. He was hardly himself, walking around soulessly and hopelessly. He had lost his source of income.

For the whole day, he didn’t eat. He forgot that he hadn’t eaten.

He nearly got assaulted in the morning and I was told he was too distracted to even defend himself. There was someone holding back the would-be attacker. Otherwise, I don’t know what would have happened.

I wish I could tell him to leave the finances to me. But I cannot make the sacrifices. I’m selfish… I’m cold-hearted…

I have my wants and needs that seem unfulfilled. I feel empty sometimes.

I’m at a loss. It’s affecting me. And I’m exhausted. I really need a break.

At the same time, if the source of income doesn’t come back, my intuition tells me that a man without hope will want to end his suffering. I don’t wish to face that.

Life does not suck. Being alive sucks. The living suffer while walking to their graves…

I’ll think of something. I have to. I cannot allow my family to be shattered… I will not… I must act fast… I must not falter…

Logen L.

08/2/09

The Difficulty In Leadership

This afternoon I discovered for myself the difficulty of being an effective leader. It is difficult to satisfy the diverse expectations of my teammates. And frightening to be assertive with two parties having a conflict, because the wrong action can escalate the situation out of hand.

By nature, I avoid conflict. Perhaps even compromising to my disadvantage. However, I confess that my rage can propel me into acting like a violent mental patient.

All these years I’ve been conditioned to be passive-aggressive and sometimes aggressive. I’m still learning to be assertive without hurling sacarstic remarks and hoping to improve my conflict resolution skills. Time will tell if my efforts will bear fruit.

Logen L.