10/24/08

Sinking Into The Abyss

I’m cracking. It hurts. The fear and paranoia is returning, slowly.

I cannot withstand battling against multiple triggers at one time. And this time, there were more than a multiple.

My mind is in a whirl, so much so that I no longer know why I’m sad. The more I ask myself why, the faster my thoughts race. I can no longer catch up with their pace.

Teach me how not to feel pain when people attack the core of your existence. Tell me why am I unwanted. Why can’t I have the taste of normalcy.

Am I born into the wrong world? A conventional person can relate to the ideas of common people. While me… I don’t know.

I don’t want to sink back into the dark abyss of guilt and sorrow. I was stuck in there for over 2 years last time. It was as if I was looking at reality from behind a veil that was trying to suffocate me.

The emptiness is heavy. Someone in the abyss is grabbing my ankle and pulling me under.

It’s coming back. It hurts, and I now find it hard to breathe. I don’t want to sink into the days when I was numb…

Logen L.

10/23/08

Tears Are Not For Boys

I’ve lost a part of myself.

Reality has eaten away at my soul.

My lips, sewn together; I cannot speak.

Bonds of friendship I need break.

Kinships torn asunder.

All alone at my ‘happy’ place, talking with the person inside the mirror.

He’s always been there for me… always…

I exist for myself…

Logen L.

10/16/08

Laugh Your Sorrows Out

I was talking to someone a while ago about a friend who seemed depressed at that time. This friend whom had hit a low, was usually so cheerful and lively. It therefore was unusual to see her exceptionally withdrawn.

I told my conversation partner that some people laugh so that they can ward off the sadness within. When circumstance is hopeless and unchangeable, people surpass the stage of crying and laugh instead. The bitter laugh of misery.

Laughter temporarily allows them to forget their sorrows. Though odd, they sometimes laugh at nothing or little things. It is just the way they cope with life; the way they try to see the light rather than the dark.

She then asked me whether my talk on ‘laughter being a mask’ was referring to myself. I simply smiled and shrugged.

I do use laughter as a subconscious coping mechanism. However, most recently, I find it difficult to have a good genuine laugh. And perhaps I lost the ability to cry as well. Even then, I feel myself escaping into my world of fantasy, in which I was abandoned as a child into this dimension of the world. Time and again, I search for the gate to return to the dimension I belong to but can never find it.

Bad memories of the past are coming back to haunt me and I fear one day I would succumb to those thoughts. I remember the times when I was powerless against the teasing at school. I felt pathetic for not having the guts and tenacity to fight back.

My fears on the future aren’t pleasant as well. I doubt circumstance will grant me the happiness I desire. My simple want of having family and friends by my side may shatter. Before it shatters and hurts me, I’d rather abandon them than be abandoned.

Sorry for being so bitter. But when you were once scorned before, you’d harden your exterior to prevent your spirit from being hurt again. You learn to wear a mask, and become an actor. Sometimes, you get so caught up that you forget who you really are.

Thankfully, I live my life as close to who I am as I can…

I may be an oddity, but I am who I am.

[ fanvideo made by Rainbow610 ]

Logen L.

10/11/08

Acceptance of The Fiasco

I have come to accept the aunty hairstyle fiasco. I have also accepted that my hair is much too short for the hairstyle I wanted.

I have done damage control by visiting my friendly neighbourhood barber.

Hopefully, in three months time, I’m able to revert to the hairstyle I wanted. I will take up my friend’s advice to go to the Japanese salon.

Life goes on, here’s a list of things I’ll need to get:

  • Make Up Primer (for oil control, and covering up scarring)
  • Slim Jeans (Grey or black)
  • Footless Ankle Leggings

Besides this, I’ve decided that I need to train harder for Aikido and incorporate pressure point striking. I finally realise they were serious when they said that Aikido is usable in a street situation only after years of training. The reason being that you have to get used to not resisting, but redirecting and blending with your opponents attacks.

I need X and Sandaime Hououkage to help in my training. 😀

Logen L.

10/10/08

Aikido Haircut

I’m back from the salon with my new haircut. As before, I’m not even sure if I like it.

I gave the hair dresser picture references and told her to make it suitable for my head shape and hair texture. It turns out now that my fringe seems bulky and the hair at the sides of my head is short. I can forget about the blue highlights already…

Sighs. I should be able to make adjustments though, considering my resourcefulness for the past few haircuts. I won’t be surprised if I end up liking it. But for now, I’ll have a neutral attitude towards my hair.

Anyway, I have Aikido later. Hopefully we’ll be doing rolls. I need to perfect my back roll and work on my front roll as well. It seems that I’m relying too much on my shoulder. I tried rolling a few times a day on my tiled floor and ended up bruising my shoulder. Not to mention, I’m not able to complete Shomenuchi Ikyo on a full-forced overhead strike.

I just hope that I won’t pair up with a rough senior… especially if we do Irimi Nage.

I remember when my head was locked underneath a seniors musky armpit. As it is, the technique requires the defender to off balance the attacker by doing a 180 or 360 degree spin and then throw him, which is very disorientating if done at natural speed and force. This senior was rough and his musky armpit odour just made me feel nauseous. Imagine having to keep getting up to get thrown again and have your nose directly under someone’s sweaty armpits. Urgh…

Kowaiye Desu!

Never mind me. I’m just feeling neurotic and moody..

Logen L.

10/5/08

Aikido Grading at Tanglin

I had Aikido grading this afternoon and think I did well. I only fumbled for a moment during the free-style phase when I misinterpreted my partner’s attack. However, I managed to apply the basic joint-lock and throwing techniques.

As much as I knew that one had to be calm and relaxed when facing an attack, I’ve found out first hand as to what happens otherwise. In aikido, we aim to blend with the opponent’s force unresistingly, and then redirect the force to defend ourselves. Because an opponents attack is unpredictable until few seconds before point of contact, one should never plan his defense. He just blends an attack according to the flow of the force.

All in all, my mistake in the free-style phase was timing, insufficient practice and over-thinking. I mistook the attack and tried to parry what I thought the attack was to be too soon.

Oh well, I’m still at white belt. And the sensei says that it takes many years to master these crucial factors.

I should be able to get an orange belt in 2 to 4 weeks time. But I’d be really happy to have a double promotion to blue. Haha.

And yea, some of the villagers’ Japanese costumes have arrived in Singapore.

Logen L.