01/23/11

Lethargy For Five Reasons

I don’t have much to say.

I feel lethargic for five reasons:

(1) I had field camp, which involved bashing through thick vegetation and running up and down slope.

(2) I slept for less than 3 hours during which because of some silly fucker playing hokkien music loud enough to be heard from the vegetation at midnight

(3) I attended Zhi Wei’s birthday gathering overnight after booking out from camp after the field camp

(4) During the gathering, we were playing a drinking game and I downed many shots (I hadn’t touched alcohol for some time).

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(5) I took a 3 hour nap and woke up with a splitting headache.

I want to sleep. I need to buy clothes for the Lunar New Year. I feel like clubbing. I want a holiday. And I need to pay my library fines.

And I’m just rambling on and on… Stop reading.

Logen

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01/9/11

What A Way To Start 2011

This year’s new year countdown with my friends was a letdown. My dragon villagers thought it fitting to head straight home after watching the countdown fire works at Marina Bay. I was misled into thinking that we would be partying at some club. I spent the transition of 2010 to 2011 (in the presence of an annoying crowd who kept pushing) contemplating in melancholy about the next one and a half year of my time wasted on national service.

Dan-san and I decided to head for Chijmes to salvage the spoilt atmosphere after the countdown. We had pizza till 2am when the place closed and, on a whim, walked towards Clarke Quay. I felt like a dead person walking pass crowds of happy party-goers. Sure, there were many people walking in a drunken stupor, but better drunk and happy than sober and moody. What happened to the saint-like Logen who didn’t associate with booze and drunkeness? Well, he had sex, enjoys the occasional whiskey on the rocks, got pissed drunk twice and grew out of sainthood…

Two hours later, the both of us (Dan-san and I) were sitting by the river discussing our resolutions for 2011. Here was what we both agreed on.

  1. Be more disciplined and focused with our goals (and not multi-task)
  2. Be more self-assured and confident
  3. Become slimmer
  4. Have clearer skin

And I forgot the rest. In any case, I am trying to be more focused with these goals for 2011:

  • Learn to speak in Thai
  • Observe people’s body language subconsciously
  • Go on casual dates for the fun of it
  • Return to training in Aikido (or take up Muay Thai)
  • Let loose completely when dancing at the club
  • Have more sex (Don’t judge me for being honest)

That’s a lot of goals to focus on, isn’t it? But I’m determined! I’m sick of multi-tasking only to end up achieving nothing.

Logen

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12/20/10

Overdue Thoughts About Life

I wish I was normal. The common folk don’t get picked on, taunted nor disrespected. I don’t like the pain. I want to have someone I can call my own and this someone can help weather some of my burden. But I’m a broken person. Who would want someone like me? Who would want a burden?

I merely want to have a place in this world; to know I have an equal opportunity to live my life happily. But no… They just cannot leave me alone. I must constantly be on guard against invalidation that cuts over old scars.

Since, I cannot be at peace, I will make sure to drag those responsible into the very same abyss I have drowned in. I will make sure they will not breathe. I will make sure they will be blind and lose sight of a happy life.  I want them to struggle, to slowly die in paranoia and desperation; no escape.

I cannot be the noble person anymore. He has died.

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12/11/10

Christmas In Armour Indeed

This Christmas, I will be stuck in Armour Camp doing guard duty. While I’m not at all upset (considering that I will get a day off in lieu), I’m disappointed at having to miss out on the warm cosy feeling attached to this season. I miss celebrating Christmas with my fellow Dragon villagers. And I certainly miss watching the televised Christmas movies on the comfy couch, pretending that its snowing outside.

However, this mandatory sacrifice will be worth it if I’m saved from doing guard duty on the Lunar New Year.

Here are some things that are cheering me up:

1. Going for leisure trip to Thailand this Friday

2. Looking awesome when wearing the Jinbei delivered from Japan (Ebay)

3. Getting great bargains in Thailand

4. Enjoying the year-end 5-day holiday

On another note, I’m continuously being annoyed with one or two idiots back at camp who fuck around and treat me with disrespect. Do I have to threaten to box their teeth out to get results? Because this week when one idiot made a subtle racist remark while we were marching back from the cookhouse, I yelled at him and threatened to punch his fucking face the next time he made a racist remark. Everyone, including the sergeant, heard and were stunned. Two persons in front thought I was joking. When they laughed, I shouted “You think its fucking funny?”. Thereafter, they kept their mouths shut. The idiot refrained from making any racist remarks for the entire week.

Honestly, do I have to humiliate a person in front of so many people in order to teach them respect?

I resolve to change the situation of disrespect before December 2012. But I need a better plan than physical threats. I have no desire to end up in the detention barracks.

Logen

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12/4/10

Season Of Armour

The holiday season is here. Some time during my week-long  stay in camp, Christmas decorations have crept up in shopping malls. It is certainly a refreshing change of scene from the same old boring armoured vehicles in my camp.

During this unannounced hiatus, my military platoon has moved into the unit headquarters. This presents much of a challenge because the existing platoon at the headquarters are a rowdy bunch; one-eighth of them have visited detention barracks (which is another word for military prison). And my platoon’s task at hand is to prevent ourselves from being taken advantaged of.

However, other than being constantly late, uncouth in their manner of speaking and arguing with the sergeants, they have gotten along with us quite well. After all, the live range shoot went rather well yesterday.

Besides the eventful move into headquarters, I have applied for overseas leave during mid-December for a trip to Thailand with Mandy. I am hopeful that we will find many bargains in the land of smiles.

This is all I have to update. I will have to book into camp tomorrow and prepare to train in setting up concertina wires.

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10/24/10

Hoping For A Sign

The numbness between the great bouts of melancholy relieves me temporarily of the pain and grudge. With a knack to censor my thoughts and words, my true feelings become confused with ambiguity. I don’t even know the wherefores of my pain because I fear the reality of what I will see.

I need companionship; a listener who is unbiased by his or her judgments. I need to know what I have been doing wrong to deserve this. I need the courage to stand up to the undeserved crap. My god has crumbled beneath the pressure. And I am sinking slowly back into the abyss of depression, which I escaped from 4 years ago.

I remember the Logens I have killed and re-awakened from the ashes. But it seems, this time, the ashes are mere ashes; the relic of the depressed teenager who was once teased and taunted.

Please grasp on to my hand (if I even matter to you). I don’t want to fall any further.

Logen

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10/17/10

Halloween Plans

In my desperate attempt to be positive (and have things to look forward to), I am going to make plans for Halloween. I am torn between choosing something quiet among close friends and clubbing in outrageous costumes.

Here are some of my plans:

Dragon Village Halloween down at Clark Quay (with clubbing)

This is to honour the first Halloween celebrated by my fellow poly-mates (villagers) whom I miss dearly.

Karaoke at The Thai Pub

If my poly friends see this post, please respond with your own suggestions or preference.

Logen L.

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