A dam brimming with tears, awaiting salvation.
A shaver running against one’s eyes, dripping crimson.
A sharpened hook slices the tongue; speech suspended.
The torment of being blinded and silenced,
While hearing the wails of inmates echoing off the cold concrete.
Back within the asylum… the place I fear.
Nobody notices that I’m no longer here.
My impetus of hope now gone, what more is there to live for?
Logen
We sometimes forget that the laws of this world are neither black nor white. Shades of gray is still errorneous, though it leans closer towards the truth.
Where judgment is concerned, the hues of colour matter, as colours represent human emotions. And emotions are byproducts of how people intepret their incomplete truth, of which is dangerously limited by sight and hearing. As said before, the truth and reality is relative.
While the wise aren’t enslaved by absolute judgments of black and white, I, the fool, chose to react to stabbing words. I can’t blame myself really. What would you do if someone sliced open your inner scars and ran that blade up and down, carving it deeper into your flesh. I skipped logic and went straight into panic mode. It is a self-preservation thing.
I have to admit that panic-mode is the worst state of mind to be in. Your heart races, your body prepares itself for another hurtful episode and simple problems are exagerated by your mind. The deadly combination wrenches all the hope within you and eventually triggers a mental shutdown (you get a breakdown if you’re unlucky).
That said, I’ll have to be the bigger man. I have to open my eyes to the colours of the world. I resolve not to neglect reason because the truth is sometimes beyond what can be seen and heard. I do maintain that I belong elsewhere though.
Logen
Why was I forsaken by family to this world I clearly do not belong in? Am I a mere soul that inhabited a human child years ago? My questions remain unanswered, and forever it shall be.
Contrary to present day, my origin be unknown. Like a broken empty shell at the seaside, unwanted, tossed and uncared for. Would one rather be diamond, valued for its innate value. Or would he be glass, used for his innate value, to be there and not to be noticed, and eventually discarded.
The establishment pits against me and its people are prejudiced against me. Take me home, away from the asylum in my mind’s abyss.
Logen
After comparing the current blog with the past versions, I am forced to conclude that Logish Paradox has lost direction. In the passing of time, I have forgotten about the standards in place to keep it organised. The result is a typical messy blog that is read only by the friends of the author.
Logish Paradox wishes to emphasise on the paradox of life, entwining the themes of reality and fantasy. Clearly, this would imply 2 categories in the blog (reality and fantasy), in which all the topics fall under.
The segment on reality would then be spurred by my careful contemplation and insights. One has to accept that truth and reality is relative to the mind’s eyes. No doubt, outright denial and lies are easily exposed.
As for fantasy, this category will be spurred by the things I enjoy doing. It is where I allow imagination to run ahead of me.
In the months to come, I hope to regroup and organise the following:
However, I shall allow my final exams and projects to complete before embarking on this change.
Logen
P.S. The time has arrived. Loyalty is forgone. My mask is as ever in its place. As miserable as I am, the show must still continue.
Life has so far been cycles of denial and clarity. At times, we lose motivation and drift, ignorant and cavalier about our destination. I’m happy that I have once again found clarity because denial makes a person a stranger towards himself. And someone who doesn’t know himself, will never find satisfaction.
In the past months, I tried to live a perfectionist lifestyle but failed miserably. Somehow, I have this need to be perfect. Whenever I do not uphold a high standard, I tend to give up; lose motivation. I subconsciously lied to myself about the merits of perfection and the possibility of attaining them. And through this deadly form of denial, I began to lose myself, drifting aimlessly in a darkened abyss.
My weakness lies in being too ambitious and when things don’t go my way, I either shut it out or flee from it. My fear of the truth doesn’t help. Eventually I do face it and marvel at how prominent the solution is. I just was too distracted to see what was there before…
Logen
I wrote this at school:
At no fault of mine; why do you hate me so?
Forsaken and feared; I am an animal in your eyes.I ask nothing of you but friendship.
And in return, you renounce my name.I. A monster whose tears meander in the cold;
A frightful experience indeed!
-Logen
I am having the Wednesday blues. The day began well but as it wore on I felt worse. After years of torment, I still get affected by the things people say. In my opinion, two things hurt the most; the truth and the anticipation of a bleak future. Both of which I happened to gain insight on.
I hate returning to these feelings. While running on the treadmill, I pictured myself losing my footing and the momentum hurls me towards the concrete wall, shattering my skull. A tad bit melodramatic and morbid, I’d think.
Equally sickening is the fact that I seek some form of validation from people. I’m too nice to friends who deserve a thorough telling-off from me. But due to my pathetic desire to feel wanted, I don’t. Is it wrong to want to feel wanted?
No matter. At least now I’m clear on the wherefores of my moods. Otherwise, it’ll be another day of melancholy.
Logen
P.S. Happy B’day mum.
It seems that I’m going through a miserable new year. An ironic beginning, some might say. However, the continuation of an incomplete school semester can hardly count as a new beginning.
I’ve been unproductive during the past weeks and have yet to know the cost of my inaction. Projects and revision lagging behind.
In all honesty, I’ve lost the drive possessed during the first semester. My primary objective then was to keep my mind organised. To allow for it to assimilate info quickly and prove to myself that it can be done. And if school stuff helped in the process, good.
I’ve proved it, albeit my 3.5 GPA. The 0.5 gone can be attributed to me not handing up an assignment, missing a graded quiz and focusing too much on certain modules.
Anyway, the issues I face now is inaction (procrastination) and a stubborn heart. Say no more about the stubborn slut; I mean heart.
Well, I hope everyone else is having a better new year. In being a true blue money-faced Singaporean, may 2008 be prosperous. Screw the increase in GST.
I see a crash in the ang pow market!
Logen
