Category Archives: Confession

04/9/08

Overcoming Fears and Phobia

Some days ago, I mentioned about testing NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) techniques and get back to you if it works. I haven’t tested it yet, if you are wondering.

I need to have sufficient understanding on the NLP techniques first. Once I’m prepared, my first test would involve overcoming my fear of cockroaches. After a recent scare from Harris, when he tried to kick a cockroach at me, I decided not to live with being controlled by this fear.

The reason why I haven’t called my fear a phobia is because I can watch Oggy and The Cockroaches without feeling squeamish. That’s a cartoon by the way. Oh well.

Here’s a more realistic picture of my fear…

My last cockroach house-invasion four years ago, left me running around the house screaming. I was on the phone with a friend, and I’m sure he must have gone deaf when I spotted the huge flying cockroach. My parents were out, so I retreated into my room. I psyched myself into running out to grab the Baygon once the coast was clear. It was difficult as I kept imagining the flying bitch waiting to attack once I opened the door. I did defeat the cockroach eventually but the whole house was oily with Baygon residue after the battle.

So, hopefully before my 18th birthday, through applying NLP techniques, I would have eliminated my fear of roaches. Friends, if you want to help me, don’t scare me with them.

Watch this space. And watch a demonstration of NLP below (used to help Ellen quit smoking). To make this clear, this isn’t hypnosis.

Logen L.

02/9/08

Knowledge Is Power

Within my life list, I have some goals that relate to each other. They lead to a common big picture, which I seek. And that common big picture can be summed up in three words: Knowledge is Power.

I am a big believer in the mind and its limitless capacity. I believe it can be used profitably in areas of finance, pleasure and more importantly, to transcend suffering. In this age of blind faith and propaganda, the mind is an essential point of defense. The world has seen how Hitler has used propaganda for genocide and is now seeing how terrorists are recruiting innocents to kill.

It is in light of my extreme examples that I seek to expand my mental faculties; I want to process information faster; be observant and not jump to conclusions; be calm and not worry or be temperamental. I have done my research and sought various avenues to reach my goals.

I shall list them below, without explanation for now:

  • Insight meditation (Vipassana)
  • Cognitive brain exercises
  • Diet filled with optimal brain foods (Green Tea, Salmon, Tuna, Blue Berries, etc.)
  • Physical exercise
  • Recreation, pursuing interests and socialising
  • Sleeping
  • Mind mapping
  • Soothing music (e.g. Mozart, new age)
  • Read and observe more

Just to add, I am not crazy. You’ve misunderstood if you think that I’ve constructed a daily regimen consisting of the above.
Logen

02/3/08

Procrastinating Again

The solution to inaction, most sensibly, is action. Yet, while I say this, I cannot bring myself to open the Microeconomics textbook.

The reasons are a combination of simple ones. Firstly, I’m procrastinating because I have better things to do. Secondly, I know for sure that I have four heavy chapters uncovered and the thought of it makes me want to forget it. Lastly, because of my unproductive attitude, I may as well postpone studying to a later date when my brain will be more receptive to the information learnt.

I know that these reasons are stupid. But do tell me if you ever find a sensible reason to procrastinate.

Logen

01/26/08

The Music I Listen To

People have been asking about the kind of music I listen to. With a quick check on my cellphone, which doubles as a music player, here are the bands and artistes:

  • Within Temptation
  • Groove Coverage
  • Cascada
  • Nightwish
  • Gavin DeGraw
  • David Bowie
  • Alice Cooper
  • The Beatles
  • Simon and Garfunkel
  • Annie Lenox
  • Story of the Year
  • Celine Dion
  • D.H.T
  • Ayumi Hamasaki
  • Ambeon
  • Chiodos
  • Liz Phair
  • DJ Styles
  • Rihanna
  • DJ Crawford

My favourite band is Within Temptation. If you know me for long enough, you’d know that I love to dwell in fantasies. The music by Within Temptation allows me to catch glimpses of my own world, the world I had created when I felt lonely. As much as the world of Harry Potter appeals to me, it is also not my place of belonging.

Let me digress a little. I’ve realised in these few weeks that I should never be ashamed of being myself. I had forgotten about this simple quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”. Never again.

The below video is an edit of the movie Labyrinth, coupled with the song, Somewhere by Within Temptation. Oh yes, if anyone is wondering what contact juggling is, it is shown in the video.

[youtube]FksMOWvzw98[/youtube]

“I’ll find you somewhere…

I’ll keep on trying, untill my dying day…”

Somewhere by Within Temptation

Logen

01/15/08

My Intepretation of Depression

I’ve spoken about depression in my last few entries. Before my words are misconstrued, here is my intepretation of what depression essentially entails. Depression is an overwhelming sense of anger, despair, or sadness that persists for over two weeks. It has the power to destroy a person’s sense of being and personality.

On this basis, from Secondary 3 onwards, I had an onslaught of despair and sadness, lasting for up to six months. It ceased for several weeks before repeating itself. Despite small relapses, I recovered between the end of 2006 and start of 2007. These relapses are seldom as acute, but if I get paranoid about them being permanent, it become agony.

Thusfar, I’ve avoided talking about my triggers. I’m afraid to be judged for them and admit myself to be oversensitive. Those triggers have a life of their own. It’s not unlike looking at an old photo and having a video montage of happy memories replaying in your mind. Contrary to happiness, those memories cause me misery.

Enough said. I’ve exhausted my braincells and my body is aching for sleep. To my ever-so-silent readers, do give me feedback on what you like and dislike about my site. Suggest topics that you’d be interested to read about.

Good night.

Logen

P.S. Mandy I’ll post the meme you tagged me on another entry, on another day.

01/12/08

Between Depression and Recovery

This is really a first for me. My mind fluctuates between depression and recovery. It was the same a few days ago.

All I know is I’m acting like a mentally ill person. I had a good breakdown a few hours ago, berating myself while sobbing. As predicted, I’m getting waves of paranoia and moments of terror.

It’s coming soon. I feel it. I can avert part of it but the rest might just kill me. On my side stands only one person, me. While the faceless enemy is a thousand times the stars in the sky. Maybe I’m not having the right perspective now. I don’t know.

My will is strong but the mind is greatly diminished, exhausted. I hope this will cease before desperation kicks in. Desperate people do desperate things.
Logen

01/6/08

Denial And Truth

Life has so far been cycles of denial and clarity. At times, we lose motivation and drift, ignorant and cavalier about our destination. I’m happy that I have once again found clarity because denial makes a person a stranger towards himself. And someone who doesn’t know himself, will never find satisfaction.

In the past months, I tried to live a perfectionist lifestyle but failed miserably. Somehow, I have this need to be perfect. Whenever I do not uphold a high standard, I tend to give up; lose motivation. I subconsciously lied to myself about the merits of perfection and the possibility of attaining them. And through this deadly form of denial, I began to lose myself, drifting aimlessly in a darkened abyss.

My weakness lies in being too ambitious and when things don’t go my way, I either shut it out or flee from it. My fear of the truth doesn’t help. Eventually I do face it and marvel at how prominent the solution is. I just was too distracted to see what was there before…

Logen