Category Archives: Insights-past

05/4/08

Criticised for Dressing Eccentrically

Last week, I decided to dress up differently (maybe too differently for some). I cannot pinpoint to a single reason as to why I did so. However, for sure I was tired of being so damn self-conscious of my eccentricities. And sick of people blatantly implying that I should conform to what is normal.

I can’t say I’m ashamed of being eccentric. Somehow, I glory in it because it proves my existence and it tells me who I am. Yet, after saying all that, I fear being judged and disliked.

This time, I wanted my dressing to be congruent with my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to see if I could deal with being criticised at a basic level. And you know what? It was excruciating. Experientially, I have finally found out, no matter what I do, people have something to say.

The things I heard, brought me back to the past where I was taunted for being effeminate. I don’t know… I felt devalued and worthless. I’m especially sensitive to whatever hints at me being effeminate.

Anyway, thanks to a few unique friends, I realised many things of value. I’m not going to give a damn about what people think…

Logen L.

05/1/08

Do I Want To Be Happy Or Sad

Positivity is truly a strange attitude. When you have it, things seem not to faze you. This includes sizable obstacles that block your way.

Yet, it is difficult to maintain such an attitude of positivism. Because when one becomes negative, everything that happens seem to confirm and justify his attitude. For example, waking up late for school is a bad thing, and if by chance you encounter a rude pig on the bus, it confirms your perspective on the day being bad.

In the end, your mind will begin seeing things selectively. You will tend to notice the horrible stuff and take for granted any neutral or good events. In the end, you continually confirm and justify your negative attitude. This is a very good way to be melancholic and miserable.

At least this is how it is for me. I simply hold on to anger or sadness when I get stressed. And it sometimes take months for me to reach rock bottom.

We as human beings remember our hurts and take for granted our pleasures. It is hard to do it the other way round and be positive; when you selectively ignore the horrible and notice the good. Well, all in all, happiness and sadness are both choices.

I am trying to have that positive attitude but it isn’t easy. At the same time, I don’t think I’m hard to please. Laughing throughout the day is no problem for me. However, my friends prefer that I cut down on laughing and lower the volume of my laughter and stop snorting while laughing.

Logen L.

03/18/08

Pain and Comfort

I was chatting with a friend earlier and we came upon certain things. These things reminded me of the past and helped form valuable insights.

In talking about choices that affect the future, this friend had indicated he was afraid of history repeating. I remembered my own fear of my past and the fear of another friend. It was then I realised everyone has this universal fear of their past hurts and desire to escape it.

This hurt is very much like a burn caused by fire, resulting in the victims avoidance of fire. However it is much deeper and potent at consuming the mind. Deeper, because it is the cruel kind of pain entwined with the victim’s helplessness, which leads him to believe himself to be inferior.

It is the kind of pain that robs a person of his hope, strength and purpose to live on his life. Eventually, the pain may die off but it leaves a ghost that enslaves its victim into a vicious cycle. At the hint of history repeating itself, the heart races, the head pounds and the breath becomes short.

On the same wavelength, I identified another piece of insight while talking to this friend. As human beings, we reach out from within our sorrows and desperation, hoping to find a person who would understand.

Just knowing that you’re understood, makes a difference. It indicates you’re not alone in your suffering and, that someone who understands you has acknowledged your worth. But many times, we isolate ourselves, and never allow the world to assuage the hurt and to understand. In this sense, we are all similar.

I know this because, I myself have many times felt myself scratching desperately at the walls of the abyss, trying to crawl out. And in my heart, I just want someone to believe in me, to witness my tears and acknowledge that I’m not disposable. However, my ego despises being pitied at, because some people confuse support and pity.

It is this understanding that calls forth compassion. It is when I see myself in the person suffering that I cannot just watch without helping.

Logen

03/2/08

Have You Seen Something But Failed to Notice It

There are moments in life, I’m sure, when you get too encumbered by thoughts. As a result, you do not live in the present moment; to see but not notice; to hear but not listen. Remember the last time you looked at a book, but none of the words made way into your brain?

Just this evening I was dining in at Botak Jone’s. I was served my meal, and the waiter clearly asked for $14. I rummaged through my wallet and then handed him two $10 and two $2 notes ($24). About to dig into the food, he politely told me that I had given him ten dollars over.

What the heck? I heard him say $14 for sure. But somewhere along the way, it seemed correct to overpay.

I will no doubt be more alert in the future, but it seems that I’m blur by habit. When out with friends, talking while crossing the road, I rely on them to look out for traffic. On a few occasions, someone had to pull me back to prevent myself from flying.

Anyway, I’m hoping Vipassana meditation can help with organising my perspective. This form of meditation reminds one of the transient nature of life, and the importance of letting go. Furthermore, there are studies that have shown meditation to be effective in developing astuteness.

Logen

02/8/08

Bloggers Who Think a Full Account of their Day is Interesting

The web is filled with bloggers who believe the blow-by-blow account of their mundane life is interesting. They go on pointlessly without a certain point to make. Honestly, only the friends and stalkers of that particular blogger can stomach such entries.

Slightly better than the above mentioned are bloggers who digress. They first talk about the main point of the entry, then for some reason they give extra details at certain parts of the entry. Thereafter, they feel the need to give additional details on the extra details. Needless to say, the result is a huge digression, which causes readers to ponder what the hell the author is trying to say.

In my opinion, only kids should be excused from these mistakes of excess talk and disordered babbling. They are still learning the societal norms of conversation.

If you think that I’m harsh on people guilty of these excesses, I’m merely stating a fact. If you want to be understood, blog coherently. If you want to be listened to, cut out irrelevant details. After all the main, yet subconscious, reason of blogging is to be understood.

Would it be too late to mention that I’m guilty of babbling at times? Hey, no one’s perfect.

Logen

01/24/08

Pre-Exams Syndrome and Leadership Judgment

The period preceeding the exams can get exceptionally crazy. However the Lunar New Year is helping with lightening the mood. I did some shopping with Zhi Wei and Lian Hui.

Anyway, I apologise for the tone in which I delivered the message of my previous entry. However, the judgment remains. A leader is one who chooses to accept his leadership, and in turn, leads with a sense of direction.

While a leader may disagree with the team, he is obligated to listen to their views and suggestions. The strength of a team lies in its unity, diversity of perspectives and ability to allocate tasks efficiently.

For this subject, my views have ended.

Logen

01/21/08

A Person’s Identity Consist of Memories, Or Does it?

I used to be able to organise my thoughts quickly. But the lack of practise has reduced me to chaos and confusion.

Right now, I merely seek to find myself and the multitudes of unwritten insights I once had. The feeling of apathy is undescribably mundane. It is especially alarming when sweet memories of the past no longer pull your heartstrings. What more when you can’t be sure if the memories you hold dear stay intact.

At times I gaze outside to admire the dark expanse of night, taking in the silent winds, only to realise that in the battle of life, I have lost many people. Perhaps I made some mistakes, but I shan’t be so arrogant to claim all responsibility for the blunders.

I apologise that through these mere few paragraphs, I have lost you in my words. What I am trying to say is, I feel as if I’ve been drifting without direction. I have lost focus of my prorities and even though I desperately search the past for direction, I cannot remember how I was and how I did things. As much as the snippets of memories reveal, I’ve made mistakes but it takes two hands to clap.

To put it succinctly, I want to be back on form and am trying to.

Logen