I’ve been listening to hypnosis recordings a few times a week to reduce my fear of cockroaches.
Days ago, I managed to spray down a young flying cockroach and wrap it in newspaper to throw away. I found out I can handle the presence of a cockroach if I either close my eyes or ignore its ugly features when killing it. If I look at its feelers, ugly eyes or kicking legs, I’ll end up screaming.
Last night, I had a vivid nightmare and I remember using scrunched up newspaper to whack a huge cockroach dead. And even flicking a smaller cockroach off my thigh.
Yes, it was a dream. But if I’m able to subconsciously deal with cockroaches, perhaps I am actually reducing my fear with the help of hypnosis.
It is a small step towards my goal. And I’m feeling happy about it. I’m not ready to deal with huge flying cockroaches though. Or even huge running cockroaches.
Lately I’ve felt a relapse of melancholy. It was a taste of the pains I went through years ago. The feeling of being unloved, unwanted, helpless, hopeless and loneliness. The silence of your world is the most terrible and wondrous feeling. Your tongue is cut by your oppressors. You feel blades slicing deep within your heart. You cannot call out for help. No one knows. No one cares. Yet, you yourself can listen to the pain of your crying heart.
Among people, you wear a mask of happiness. You force yourself to forget the melancholy, and for awhile you succeed. But once you’re alone, the shadows creep in to smother your breath.
Of all things, I learnt not to deny pain. It is part and parcel of life. Being in denial of pain will consume every ounce of positivity and kindness you have left. It makes you cold hearted and vengeful. The denial of melancholy will not prevent the pain from seeping in; it will prolong the suffering.
I’ve accepted the recent sorrow, and it has faded. Yet, it had a purpose. I was reminded of the noble ideal I came across when battling depression last time.
Buddhism calls this ideal compassion.
Human being suffer. We suffer due to the ignorance of our true nature of impermanence. Suffering has no comparison; each person deals with pain and feels pain differently. At some point, every human being (and sentient being) encounters pain, for it is part of the cycle of pain and pleasure.
The cure for suffering is compassion. If you seek to lighten another person’s pain, you will diminish your own pain. You learn to understand pain on a different level, from a different person. Understanding turn to acceptance and you will see yourself in that person. In essence, every person is the same.
This is what I’ve forgotten for so long. I’ve lost my compassion in one of the major relapses of depression. I became hateful towards people who made me resent myself. As lofty as this goal is, I strive to be more compassionate…
I’ve submitted my documentation pertaining to the military conscription. Close to Christmas, I have a medical appointment to ascertain my fitness and health in order to serve the army. The thought of inserting a needle into my vein to draw blood is making me squeamish.
For the next three months, I’ll acclimating myself to a new workout routine, incorporating martial arts and Parkour. I also want to get back to meditating. But for that to happen, I’ve got to take care of my body properly. I’m getting regular fatigue combined with migraines and this won’t be conducive to meditation practice. I ended up in a half sleep state the last time I meditated while fatigued.
Any cures for fatigue or/and migraine? My mother will probably say, “You sleep so late everyday, of course headache lah!”. Haha.
I want to develop my own style of fighting, which uses Aikido as a foundation. Training myself in strikes and kicks, I aim to understand the dynamics of such attacks and to develop my flexibility and balance. I’ve also practised Aikido waza regularly at both Taichi-speed and regular speed.
I’m looking to learn the basics of Parkour and have been practising rolling. The roll, is essentially the same as the Aikido forward roll. My crazy determination and frustration has made me push myself to roll forward and backwards without break that I sometimes roll off the mat onto the concrete. Trust me, slamming your feet onto the concrete hurts.
I hope to find like-minded individuals to train with, because it helps me stay committed to my goals. I don’t want my motivation to dwindle.
I dream of a day when I can enjoy a hot cup of green tea coupled with self-baked pastries or dim sum.
Ever since the internship, I’ve wanted to learn to bake pastries/prepare dimsum. Audit work was boring so I indulged in ‘snacks’ like xiao long bao, shen jian bao or portugese egg tarts. Wouldn’t it be cheaper if I could make them myself?
Today, the opportunity presented itself to me. The lady at the bakery nearby asked if I knew of anyone who would want to work part-time. The pay ranges from S$3 to S$4. Working hour begins at 6.30 am and I think it lasts for more than 8 hours.
I have three options.
Commit to the working hours and learn to bake pastries while being paid for it
Find recipes online and try out baking on my own
Go for a dim sum course
Honestly, I find it a waste of time to commit more than 1 week of my time to work. If you were me, what would you choose?
Send me a reply via Twitter (type in @logish before you reply) or the comment box.
I used to believe mental preparation and theoretical knowledge was key to gaining confidence. That, however, is inaccurate.
One has to challenge himself in the world of reality, where unplanned and spontaneous behaviour runs the show. You will not know the outcome of your unplanned actions, but if you succeed, this experience becomes a great confidence booster. It allows you to believe in yourself and your abilities.
Yesterday, my gathering with old friends made me realise I still subconsciously held on my perfectionist ideals. I observed myself not daring to try new things for fear of appearing stupid. For instance, at the funfair, it was until Danny handed me the ‘riffle’ in his insistance that I try to hit the target that I did so. I missed the target but made a close shot.
This ordinary experience gave me profund insight: Sometimes, we have to give ourselves the right to be imperfect, be unconcerned about the outcome and have fun.
I was so afraid of appearing incompetent. But once I made the imperfect but close shot, I learnt to have more faith in myself.
So, the key to my quest of confidence, is to put myself in reality and practice having faith in my abilities.
These days, I’m trying to sleep before midnight and wake before noon. I dislike feeling as if my entire day is wasted when I wake up in the evening.
This links up to being productive with my day. By having a regular sleep/wake pattern, I’m able to plan my time better. And I won’t be fatigued and grumpy.
I desperately need the energy to make the changes I desire.
