Author Archives: logish

11/22/07

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

After such a long time, I talked to the person in my mirror again. I like to refer to him as my twin brother. He’s always there in times of need.

I expected myself to breakdown at the end. He reminds me of a certain past that I dislike. But this time, it seems he has succeeded in centering my emotions. We did it. You must think I’m a mentally unstable narcissist for referring to my mirror reflection as an individual. I don’t mind really.

As for the cause of my melancholia, I have only to ask this. Why should I heed the words of ignorant pigs? I may crave for normalcy, but I’ve embraced my eccentricities. People always think fitting in a premade mould is the way to go. Well, no use arguing with pigs, they’ll only assuage their conscience with empty words.

The past is past me now, or so I hope. Lord Logenmort is back.

Logen

11/22/07

I Want To Speak My Mind

Ah, I’ve been waiting for it. Melancholia is seeping through my mind again.

Sometimes I wish I could speak my mind, but no, I must contend myself with ambiguity. I’m sick of leaving huge gaps in my words for the sake of censorship. I don’t mean censorship in terms of axing out vulgarities. Honestly, I don’t mind saying fuck, chee bye, lan jiao, lampa, mai-re pundeh and a whole host of taboo words. But the things I want to write have tremendous consequences as compared with mere vulgar words.

Tears cannot compensate for the pain I feel. I’ve numbed it for too long; I’ve floated without knowing who I was. However, I accept that I’ll have to remain behind a mask. Even after the show has ended, I must continue my wearisome act just because I’m bound by the fucking stage; like a ghost bound to his haunting spot.

It sounds like I’m giving up but I’m not. Logen is a stubborn bitch.

My own words stating that I’m the god of my own destiny still applies. But maybe I’m already too tired to journey on. I long for my demise when I lie in bed. I might just go on dreaming forevermore. Reality doesn’t really go well with me. It considers me an oddity.

Ultimately, I’m saying that I do not belong in this world. I’ve simply lost my way from home. I do not remember the place I belong because it certainly is not here.

Logen

11/20/07

Journeying through Religion

The following article talks about my take on religion.

Life’s reality is harsh, perhaps even cruel. Have you ever woken up and wondered why you have to battle through yet another routine? Although there is an obvious option to end our lives, we avoid that.

Maybe some of us continue to journey through life, hoping to find our destiny. Perhaps faith in a higher power spurs us on. And possibly, you believe that neither destiny nor god is relevant to the equation of living life.

It was at the age of 11 when I asked myself about my beliefs. At which, I found them to be an empty mirror of my parents’ (Hinduism and Budhism). Thereafter, I decided to turn to Christianity. Honestly, I was initially attracted to it because of it’s lesser requirements to go to heaven. And the Chinese Budhism idea of hell scared me a lot. I did enjoy school chapel services.

Two years later, I chose instead to become a Wiccan. I took the longest time with this decsion because Wicca wasn’t common and I still felt attached to my past religions. Wicca’s idea of harmony intrigued me immensely. Its appeal lay in the focus on nature and freedom of belief. I wasn’t bound by, what I felt were, empty rules.

Anyway, I had believed that the gods and godesses were representations of a higher power. And morality was dictated by the Wiccan tennet, which basically connotes: In everything you do, harm no one and treat all with respect. I hold this standard of morality till this day.

I discovered that one need not prescribe himself/herself to what was common and accepted. After all, religion was created by men.

The final transition was when I rediscovered Budhism. Not the one in Singapore that was fused with Chinese folklore, but the one which stuck to its ancient roots in Nepal. Its philosophy on life opened my mind to certain concepts like emptiness and the ego.

Then on, I became Agnostic. I don’t know if god exists but believe his/her existence is irrelevant to living life to the fullest. I don’t believe in destiny as preconceived. Nor do I believe in a preconceived purpose in life.

However, I do believe that we are what we make ourselves to be. We are the ultimate gods and goddesses of our fate. This is my reason for waking up daily and living life. The religion of self-empowerment.

Logen

11/19/07

Was My Talk On Time Management, all talk and no play?

So, for nearly the whole week, I’ve been talking about my rotten time management. I took action but it just wasn’t enough.

Here’s the report of what I’ve done. I, Logen, completed my CATS project portion and revised the Bstats lecture topics covered in the first 2 weeks. As for Microeconomics, I have only read up half of the topic, Elasticity.

To be fair, I spent the weekend clearing my room. Perhaps with a less cluttered room (and table) I could study better. Besides, the room was like a maze. I had knocked hard into my movable drawers, while navigating through the mess in the dark.

Here’s what I have yet to do, as targeted:

  • BStats revision: lecture 3, 4 and 5
  • MIEC revision: lecture 2, 3 and 4

Mrs Loke’s gonna be disappointed because I haven’t done her tutorial questions. As for MIEC, I have to present something related to Elasticity. Good luck to me for knowing half the topic.

Yes, I’m a worrywart! Because my superb presentation skills won’t save me from appearing like a blithering idiot… “Er, Elasticity is when you stretch the rubber band and release it.”

Here’s a new target then, for today at least:

  • Get a gist of BStats lecture 5 later
  • Mindmap an outline on Demand and Supply
  • Figure out how I’ll compile the CIP report

I’ve set my sights lower. I’m happy to regain my old powers before setting of for immortality. Okay, too much Harry Potter again.

Logen

Upcoming: A post about my religion and what it means to me & A post for the repealing of Section 377A

11/18/07

Past Sonnet: Wishful Androgynous Lust

Over a year ago, I wrote this sonnet. It was inspired by the sleep paralysis that happened nightly. I saw things that caused me terror, but on certain nights, I had some control over what I saw. Hence the sonnet. My first, if I remember correctly, about the pains of unreciprocated love.

Written first in logishlifestyle.wordpress.com, here it is:

In darkened skies -the moon, the stars- they glow,
My heart, my soul, my bed belongs to you.
Eyelids shut and thence, thy sensual dew.
Beguiling scent; tight cords that bind my bones.

Stifled by sweet lips, the groans and moans…
An angel’s face, no doubt, the devil’s deal!
Charming eyes of fiery passion brew,
My wish, as such, for spinning Earth to slow.

At daylight’s prod, I see you nowhere here,
Beknown to me, enslaved by night-time’s bid.

Dire desperate lust, my futile tears.
To thrive, in other’s dreams, you need to feed.

Henceforth, pray I, the bleedin’ sun to die
Till then, my nightly visions, live to lie.

– Logen Lanka

You must really think I’m pathetic now. The first stanza talks about the paralysis process; I likened it to being bound.

Anyway, I’ve talked about wanting to take up drawing again. Maybe I’d do a concept drawing for this sonnet.

Logen

Upcoming: I’ll be talking about religion. Then, I’ll do a post on Section 377A.

11/16/07

To Get Back On Track

Regretfully, I’m still drifting away from studying. I’ve been busy developing my domain names and wasting my time waiting for emails.

The solution to this issue, however, isn’t to cease development of those sites. It merely means my time management sucks and action has to be taken.

Here’s the issue in detail:

I have 3 important modules to study for, namely Microeconomics, Business Statistics(BStats) and FFA (accounting). Business Statistics is the worrying module, mainly because it deals with maths, worsened by me skipping the last two lectures. I do find it interesting but I’m 4 weeks behind. Answering my question, Wen Jie said that consulting the textbok may only enable me to understand half the topic.

Looks like I’ll be slaving for BStats during the weekends. I intend to do a warm up on Friday, revising the introductory topics, and then jump into the heavier bits of week 3 and 4 on Saturday. Be positive Logen!

That’s basically my weekend study plans, plus doing some mindmaps for MIEC. I’ve left out the sickening projects, of which CATS is total bulshit.

I know, this post is shit too. I sounds like some financial newscaster reading out the stock changes to a toddler. But to be fair, I want to documents my plans to get on track. After all, this blog is about my goals which represent the reality I want, and short stories that express my inner thoughts of fantasy and fear.

Just for the record, I still think about the person in the previous entry a lot. It hurts a whole damn lot.

Not going to talk about it in this entry. I’ve long learnt not to combine two unrelated topics.

Logen

P.S. I’ve gotta cut my hair. This should prompt an entry in the near future.

11/14/07

Her Smile Causes My Guilt

I love you. But that very love makes me unworthy to another girl. I want to forget it; I can’t.

She smiled at me today and my hearbeat quickens. I have a teensy crush on her. Then suddenly, I remember your beautiful face, of which I needed to let go. It made me immensely guilty. What if she knew that I once wanted you for you(I still do)? She’d renounce me for me.

Better to not start a relationship, especially when the emotional investment is a sure flop. I need no more hurts…

Pain among pains. I have to speak and write in ambiguousness. Life has sealed my lips and tied my tongue. I fear of what the future entails.

With wasted love,
Logen

P.S. I have another blog (Logish Money Tree). It deals with investment and finance from a beginner’s perspective.