I’ve submitted my documentation pertaining to the military conscription. Close to Christmas, I have a medical appointment to ascertain my fitness and health in order to serve the army. The thought of inserting a needle into my vein to draw blood is making me squeamish.
For the next three months, I’ll acclimating myself to a new workout routine, incorporating martial arts and Parkour. I also want to get back to meditating. But for that to happen, I’ve got to take care of my body properly. I’m getting regular fatigue combined with migraines and this won’t be conducive to meditation practice. I ended up in a half sleep state the last time I meditated while fatigued.
Any cures for fatigue or/and migraine? My mother will probably say, “You sleep so late everyday, of course headache lah!”. Haha.
I want to develop my own style of fighting, which uses Aikido as a foundation. Training myself in strikes and kicks, I aim to understand the dynamics of such attacks and to develop my flexibility and balance. I’ve also practised Aikido waza regularly at both Taichi-speed and regular speed.
I’m looking to learn the basics of Parkour and have been practising rolling. The roll, is essentially the same as the Aikido forward roll. My crazy determination and frustration has made me push myself to roll forward and backwards without break that I sometimes roll off the mat onto the concrete. Trust me, slamming your feet onto the concrete hurts.
I hope to find like-minded individuals to train with, because it helps me stay committed to my goals. I don’t want my motivation to dwindle.
Glad to say, I’ve become action-oriented for the past week. Having organised my goals into modules, I’ve allocated time to spend each week and created clear standards. Step-by-step, I’ll achieve my desires.
However, it saddens me to ponder about the future. I’m certain that I’ll lose many friends. I’m glad to have gained the loyalty of a few close friends. As for others, I’ll have to detach myself emotionally. If it’s gone, it’s gone. The thing about human bonds is that it strengthens over time and when it is finally cut, it feels as if someone is digging a part of your heart out.
Life is a blessing and a curse. Some people have more curses than blessings. But blessing and curses are ultimately the same thing; they merely exist on opposite ends. What we need in this world is compassion and understanding; not cruelty and ignorance.
I better stop before I say too much. You won’t be able to decipher my incoherent blabbering anyway.
At times, there are lots of things on your mind that cannot be shared. The burden must be carried alone. Silence is as much a friend, as an enemy. Many things are best left unsaid.
Now, may I forget those thoughts and focus on taking action, being proactive. To constantly question myself if my actions are productive to the outcome I desire. Without my needs, how can I acquire my want?
The song, ‘Somewhere’ by Within Temptaion, has sentimental value to me, in that, it has carried me over through the time I went through depression.
As many of you know, I create many fantasies with my imagination. For example, the Dragon Village.
The inititial appeal to fantasise was a means to deal with the pain and melancholy I was going through. I used to pretend that I was from another dimension, where elf-like beings existed. And I was abandoned in this world as a child, unwanted and unloved.
While listening to this song in my darkened living room, the shadows in the dark seemed to move and I’d see a silouhette of a woman in the kitchen. The darkness can play tricks on your eyes. This made the hairs at the back of my neck stand, but I walked into the kitchen; the melancholy was far more painful than my fear.
I remember there was once, at the peak of my melancholy, I walked into the kitchen and slumped down onto the floor crying and the shadow of that woman crouched next to me and seemed to be comforting me. It was as if she was telling me that she was my mother from the dimension I was from, but due to circumstances she died. And I was here in the present dimension, because of the tradgedy that happened in the other dimension.
At that time of depression, I felt as if I didn’t belong to this world. I felt different and craved for normalcy. At the very least, I wanted acceptance and love for being the person I am. I hated myself for being weird/eccentric.
Now, I still feel I don’t belong here. But I no longer want normalcy. I love myself for my eccentricities. I love the way I think, even if it is morbid and crazy. Because I have method to my madness.
I dream of a day when I can enjoy a hot cup of green tea coupled with self-baked pastries or dim sum.
Ever since the internship, I’ve wanted to learn to bake pastries/prepare dimsum. Audit work was boring so I indulged in ‘snacks’ like xiao long bao, shen jian bao or portugese egg tarts. Wouldn’t it be cheaper if I could make them myself?
Today, the opportunity presented itself to me. The lady at the bakery nearby asked if I knew of anyone who would want to work part-time. The pay ranges from S$3 to S$4. Working hour begins at 6.30 am and I think it lasts for more than 8 hours.
I have three options.
Commit to the working hours and learn to bake pastries while being paid for it
Find recipes online and try out baking on my own
Go for a dim sum course
Honestly, I find it a waste of time to commit more than 1 week of my time to work. If you were me, what would you choose?
Send me a reply via Twitter (type in @logish before you reply) or the comment box.
I used to believe mental preparation and theoretical knowledge was key to gaining confidence. That, however, is inaccurate.
One has to challenge himself in the world of reality, where unplanned and spontaneous behaviour runs the show. You will not know the outcome of your unplanned actions, but if you succeed, this experience becomes a great confidence booster. It allows you to believe in yourself and your abilities.
Yesterday, my gathering with old friends made me realise I still subconsciously held on my perfectionist ideals. I observed myself not daring to try new things for fear of appearing stupid. For instance, at the funfair, it was until Danny handed me the ‘riffle’ in his insistance that I try to hit the target that I did so. I missed the target but made a close shot.
This ordinary experience gave me profund insight: Sometimes, we have to give ourselves the right to be imperfect, be unconcerned about the outcome and have fun.
I was so afraid of appearing incompetent. But once I made the imperfect but close shot, I learnt to have more faith in myself.
So, the key to my quest of confidence, is to put myself in reality and practice having faith in my abilities.
