Logish Paradox

What Am I Worth?

Sometimes I wonder if I had made a wise decision in choosing the same polytechnic as my secondary school friends. Then again, had I chosen another school, I’d be wondering the opposite.

Friends come and eventually leave. Others change so much that you no longer identify their face with their new character. Some just hurt you without knowing it.

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It just seems that my pariah lifestyle in semester one was much more appealing compared to now. I had the freedom  to do as I pleased. And my only company, myself, would never take me for granted. Though I confess that I later joined my classmates, they were much more accepting of my quirks. They entertained my crazy tendencies.

Truthfully, I don’t know what I’m stabbing at. The only thing that is sure is that I’m thoroughly upset with myself. Upset that I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable, incompetent, pathetic and not assertive. I’m tired of feeling this way… I feel so out of control. Yea, that’s it. I get stressed and act crazy when my power to control my life is diminished.

Perhaps the reason why I have no idea as to what I’m stabbing at is because I’m in denial. Denial of the fact that I may have a self-worth problem. Denial that I may want affection and respect. Never mind. Once again, I’ve taken my readers on a boring ride without explaining my thoughts.

Logen L.

Short Hair, Long Hair or Hybrid Hair

Seven weeks ago, I looked like this. But now, my hair just looks horrendous. I have naturally wavy hair, which bulks up pretty quickly. The problem is worsened because my previous use of bleach has dried my hair.

I’m considering having a hybrid of long and short hair. Perhaps a gothic hairstyle but I’m not ready to sport a mohawk again.

Please aid me in this decision by completing my poll below. I’d like feedback as well. Thanks

Logen

Losing My Writing Ability?

I’ve written certain great essays in the past, praised by the teacher. In my stories, I could be what I wanted to be; I could be god for all I care. My thoughts would be mirrored in what I penned. But now, I have this irrational fear that I won’t succeed in writing a convincing male character. The effeminacy thing has taken a huge toll on me, really.

Sometimes I get this feeling that I’m just living someone else’s life. And there was some cosmic mistake. It doesn’t matter already because I don’t know what else I can say about this.

Now really, I sound as if I’m miserable but, it’s just tiredness. For now, I’ve given up talking about my pathetic unrequited love for someone. Lord Logenmort does not need love… Shame on me. I’m turning to the dark side. But they do have cookies after all.

My studies are sort of on track, though I choose to skip most lectures. It’s either skip or waste time. Forgive me for my lack of modesty but I have the smarts to excel with my own effort. I just need to cut down on procrastination.

Logen

P.S. Please participate in my poll on the sidebar. I need your opinion.

Me, A Sissy Freak

On my journey to death, I try to conform to conformity. Though I know not how, I tried my hardest. Still I failed. My hope is waning. What can I do for society’s acceptance. Perhaps soon I’ll reach my destination. Then conformity will no longer be an issue.

It just hurts to be effeminate. It’s just like never finding a part of yourself. Your identity as male person. As much as I hate to talk about this issue, lets be honest, people know and people tease. I remember being called unpleasant things by people I didn’t even know, during my secondary school days.

I attempted to change countless of time, but failed. I hate to keep searching for this part of my identity because it never manifest itself. The tauntings just worsens it. It makes me feel inferior and incompetent.

I sense a similar pattern here in poly. I’m not paranoid. Maybe I should just dress up like a freak. At least they would laugh at my dressing than at me.

In all honesty, I love being eccentric but not in the effeminate way. Never mind. I just feel this empty part of me growing. Life’s a bitch. But people are bitchier…

Logen

P.S. I am not against effeminate people. It’s just difficult if you know what I mean.

We hate someone for how they make us feel

I’m haunted by the past. Three years ago, I waged war against a friend, whom which I felt had treated me disrespectfully. I was an overly sensitive and insecure kid then. I was taunted and teased by some. However, my greatest merit was to bottle anger for years, and when the last straw came, my wrath would be overwhelmingly illogical.

This person was a close friend of mine. I had considered her a sister of sort. But I had felt I was taken for granted and I was sensitive when people teased me about my effiminacy. That she did. It hurt just too much, to know that there are things in this world you’ll never be.

On a certain day, three years later, I snapped and plotted against her. I managed to manipulate a majority of people to turn against her. It was easy as some had a tiny seed of resentment. Most of them were her close friends. I cruelly used whatever I knew, to reach my means. Did I have a conscience? I did, but we were too far in to stop.

In hope to lighten the blow, we had half the group of friends to tell her up front about breaking ties and then the other half would comfort her. Thereafter, in a few days, the other half would too abandon her. I saw her tears and my heart wrenched. In my temper I had become a monster.

In my attempt to reverse my doings, I and a few others reestablish ties with her. Though she had taken a day to consider our betrayal and then agreed to patch back, things were never the same. We drifted apart. She may have forgiven but it is something I can never forget.

Karma has made me pay. I eventually became paranoid that the same act of betrayal would happen to me. I felt extreme guilt on top of my other insecurities that it pushed me to the verge of depression.

On hindsight, things could have been different. We could have talked it out with her and tell her that we were upset. She would have listened. However, I chose the easy path in a spark of anger.

Why then am I talking about this now? Something similar happened and reminded me of what I did. Some things are better kept quiet or talked openly about.

Upon contemplation, I find that we dislike a person only because that person makes us feel unpleasant about ourselves (i.e. incompetent, stress, inferior, etc.). Ultimately, we have to make peace with ourselves.

I remember,
Logen L.

I bought a Bonsai Tree at a Bookstore

My dad had gotten book vouchers for Borders bookstore earlier this month. We finally made the trip there for some book shopping.

My initial plan was to buy a journal, which I was to use as a planner. However, after looking around, I decided against it. The journals were way too pricey and I could have gotten cheaper ones elsewhere. As a result, I was sauntering down the book aisles aimlessly.

Towards the end of the ‘shopping’ experience, I was stuck between getting Investing for Dummies and a mini Bonsai kit. My motivations behind the book are clear. I have an interest in investments. What about the Bonsai? What benefit could it possibly bring? One word, peace.

I was feeling inner turmoil and wanted to calm my mind. Though I’m aware that peace can only be found within oneself, I wanted a physical reminder. I want to look at the bonsai during crazy episodes, and be reminded to seek the calm within. It’s just too easy to be sucked into a whirlpool of paranoia when one is stressed.

I explained the wherefores of having a bonsai. So, what was to be chosen? My dad saved me from making a choice. I got both the book and the kit. I could have said no and insisted on choosing one over the other. I might then regret not choosing the other item. Whereas now, I have a tiny bit of guilt for going over the voucher’s budget.

That said, the bonsai growing process is a killer. I should have gotten a cactus at the supermarket instead. Then again, I managed to kill my previous cactus the last time. Better not let my bonsai hear that…

Logen

Unrelated: I accept it and resent it all the same.

Imprisoned Without A Trial

There was a civil rights demonstration in KL, Malaysia, by a minority race. They have warned that the ISA (Internal Security Act) will be used if necessary. These set of laws allow the imprisonment of a person, without trial, for a certain period. Originally evoked to keep Communism at bay, they have been wrongfully used to quell opposition.

I’m disgusted that fear of opposition has justified this injustice. The ISA may have been well-intentioned but it ought to be tightened. There must be no room for it to be abused. Imprisonment without a trial would mean no analysis if the guilty is actually guilty. And that the purpose of imprisonment was actually for security.

We may be talking about Malaysia here, but Singapore have this set of laws. It was inherited during the merger with Malaysia, and was retained after separation. Enough said. We shall watch the events as they unfold.

Logen